Still Pretty Adorable but not as Adorable Brody

Milwaukee Montessori School has three floors, the top floor being home to all four of the 1st-3rd grade classrooms, a lonesome Children's House, and the 7-8th grade Junior High, an extreme diversity compared to the other two floors. While this may seem good to have diversity, being on the same floor as every Children’s House kid is a great way to get to know everybody and get some ties in with kids from other classes, rather than just your class on the first floor. I would know, as I was in the lonely Children's House class on the top floor. While everyone else was entering first grade with at least some connections, I had the people in my class and that's all, but they were gone too, so I had nothing.

While this seems like a lead-in to a sad story about how I was alone all of my grade school life and never found a friend, this story doesn’t lead to any sadness, this story involves me meeting one of my bestest friends, Ethan. 

Our school had a get-to-know-the-classroom day about a week before school started, and obviously my father and I went to it. It was a non-scheduled open-house type ordeal that lasted the whole day so it was pretty impressive odds that Ethan and I went at the same time. I could call it fate but we would’ve met a week later because we were in the same class, but calling it fate is cooler. Anyways, as I entered the class his parents were speaking with the teacher and he was all alone in the middle of the class, and being the lonely, non-self controlling boy I was with no friends left, I made my move. Turns out, he had the same idea and we sort of met in the middle, it was a bit awkward but we don’t mention that, and here’s how the conversation went,

“Uh hi.”

“Hi”

“So were both in this class huh?”

“Yeah I guess so, weird.”

“Wanna be friends?”

“Sure”

“Ok, bye.”

“Bye.”

That was it, no asking about personality or character, just a straight-to-the-point conversation. Why it worked I don’t know, but I guess it was convenient for me. So it was Ethan and I, two buddies up against the first grade with nobody else to lean on besides their steel-tight friendship, right? This is also false. We made friends with the other boys in the class rather quickly and our first grade friend group quickly took a larger shape.

Ethan and I were a pretty good duo, but wanting more popularity, we added two more, Oliver and Frank. Oliver was a cool kid, and while not the smartest or the most cunning, he made up for it with compassion and friendliness. I remember him being really apologetic and nice once you know him, while appearing quite cool with his skateboard and his ability to do a flip. And while that seems intriguing, Frank however, was more interesting. Frank was humorous at times, serious at times, borderline emo at times, and a definite fibber. He lied a lot. Whether it be this new event in his family or a crazy ghost sighting at camp, he had it all. I think he did it to gain popularity amongst our group and eventually the entire class, but it really only worked on us. I look back and laugh at how ridiculous his stories were but back then I completely believed them, and to show how ridiculous they were, I will retell the tale of The Bathroom Ghost.

It was Halloween night, and Frank’s family was having a dinner party to celebrate, one of the guests being his uncle. Frank struck up a conversation with his uncle and he would have continued if not for his uncle needing a bathroom break. Frank gazed nonchalantly as his uncle waltzed into the bathroom and closed the door without turning the lights on. But hours passed and his uncle never came out of the bathroom, and eventually young Frank’s anxiety got the better of him. He slipped open the door, revealing his uncle's dead body collapsing onto the hallway. All of his family rushed to see the corpse of a loved one, but they knew what happened, “The Bathroom Ghost must’ve done this,” they sighed. This was a dreadful event in Frank’s life, one in which he learned, never forgot to turn the lights on five seconds after entering the restroom, or The Bathroom Ghost might get him. 

Yep, that was it, that was the story that scared the life out of me and kept me worried about a light switch for years to come. I was terrified of a Toilet Banshee for a period of my life, and I’m so disappointed in myself for it. But the way Frank told that story it was just so convincing, and if not for him leaving a few years later in a 1-to-4 family vote to move away (also a lie, considering he had a 3-year-old brother that apparently had an opinion on moving houses), my sorry head probably would’ve been filled with Frank-Facts and baloney.

1st, 2nd, and 3rd grade were a year for me to actually meet people and make up that lost time from being the only child in my class from the upstairs Children's House. And while Frank was an interesting person I was friends with, there were plenty of intriguing students I wouldn’t call friends.

One in particular that I disliked greatly was someone I’ll call Emily, she was a jerk in my eyes, but she was much better than I thought she was back then, actually I don’t even think she was a rude kid. The main reason I had some tension with her is because we were going to open and clean out our drawers (every student got one), and the way they were organized were in rows of three, Emily being on top and me being on the bottom, and as I was cleaning out mine, she opened her drawer and hit me directly in the face. Normally I would call it an accident, forgive and forget, but she didn’t even apologize! And I was around 6 at this time, so I had always gotten an apology, but Emily was cooler and older, so she didn’t have the time to apologize. She just started sifting through her drawer without a care in the world! From that moment on I knew she would be my mortal enemy! The hatred I felt for her was unheard of, it was personal. And while I did despise her with every bone in my body and every thought in my brain, I never did anything about it. Mainly because I was scared and she was a third grader and anytime I saw her I was annoyed but I was weak and never said anything or she might use her magic older kid powers to banish me to the underworld or something. And I probably would’ve never stopped hating her silently if not for my sister writing a funny fantasy story about me and using Emily as one of the villains that I thwart with my heroic ways. Either way Emily, if you're reading this, you probably don’t know it's about you because I changed your name and you were in the third grade, but it is about you. And if you could send me an apology for hitting me in the face with a drawer back then, digital or physical, I don’t mind, that would be great.

So that was my mortal enemy, so the clear next step is what I believe to be my secret admirer, Viola will be her name. Viola was a first grader the last I saw of her, so that puts me in third grade. I was high and mighty, top of the world, totally respected by the measly first graders. It was about halfway through the school year before I noticed her, and the way she made herself noticeable was a bit bold. For some context,  Ethan and I had this game that involved a bench. Now this bench was extremely long, long enough to fit the whole class, and the school would use it as a landmark that everyone would go to before we went outside to be picked up by our parents at the end of the day. And the game was this, you had to get all of your stuff and get to the end of the bench first, backpack, shoes, all of it. It was extremely stupid but thats besides the point, as the day Viola made her big move, Ethan was absent, so the bench was all mine. Obviously I relished that fact, striding up and dusting it off before proudly sitting on the end with ease, “What a way to finish the day” I thought. But my day wasn’t over yet. 

As I sat down, I instinctively looked around the area and noticed Viola mimicking another girl slowly pacing towards me, and it seemed they noticed each other at the same time, as both their speeds increased. And before I knew it, I was pressed against the wall as these two first graders were racing towards sitting next to me. Viola, unfortunately, won out the race and sat down right next me, nudging herself uncomfortably close. I barely even knew this girl existed and now she was invading my personal bubble without hesitation. When she finally left, I thought that was it, one weird moment, but that's actually when the awkward train left the station, headed towards full blown creepy town. 

A week or two later I started noticing her lurking in the background during recess, seemingly watching my friends and I play in the jungle gym, her eyes lingering on me. This persisted for weeks on end, and this whole situation was starting to get scary, was I being stalked? Thinking about it now chills my spine, but kid me was apparently a lot braver than current me, as he saw it as an opportunity to make a new fun game of tag where Viola was always it and could capture everybody else. Surprisingly it actually worked, she was having fun chasing us in recess everyday, and we were having fun running in gleeful terror. This game stuck for about a month before Viola just quit, she screamed, stomped off and left school the next year. Whether or not it was my fault, I really hope not, but maybe it was for the better that our paths split before she took the next step in her planned future for us.

So, I had a mortal enemy I never actually reconciled with, a secret admirer, what else could there be? I’ll tell you, a date. That’s right! Brody Haller got a date in the third grade, what a smooth talker! What’s her name you may be asking, well it's not Peyton, but it is in this story. Peyton was one of the nicest, sweetest, and funniest girls I’ve ever talked to, totally earning a place in Ethan and I’s friend group. She was always ready to dive into our absolutely ridiculous ideas and games, one involving running through every swing, each one occupied by someone viciously swinging it back and forth. She joined the school around second grade and rather than magnetizing towards the girl’s friend group, managed to get in both friend groups, just to show how incredibly kind she was. And while she was just a friend in the beginning, by the third grade, I’ll be honest, I had interest in her, and it was mutual. So, young Brody had a second chance at love after The Tammy That Got Away, what a happy ending. 

Just kidding, an event I’m all too familiar with re-occurred, Peyton switched schools.

I was devastated, totally dazed, how could it happen again?! But I collected myself, this wasn’t happening, not again, no, I wasn’t giving up on love again. Lucky for me, my mother and my sister both knew members of Peyton’s family, and with a bit of effort, I managed to get Peyton’s number. I remember texting her a bit, having some random conversations, as third graders do, and we were keeping in touch. This was when the date happened, and here's how it went. 

I don’t remember who, but someone noticed that Peyton and I were talking, and suggested maybe we see a movie, specifically the movie Leap!, an animated adventure-comedy created by L'Atelier Animation. A month later, I was waiting with fainted breath outside the movie theater with my sister and father (my sister wanted to go with Peyton’s brother as they were friends, and we needed an adult, so my dad stepped in). We waited for 30 minutes, and we weren’t early, it was 30 minutes after we said to meet up she arrived, but I didn’t care, I was stupid and patient. But she came and that's what matters, so we walked into the theater. The night went extremely smoothly, we sat next to each other in the front row and obviously there was nothing big happening on this third grade date, but by the end, I think we agreed it was a good time. 

And while this seems wonderful, unfortunately, young love never works, and I struck out again, we lost contact randomly and I haven’t spoken to her ever since. But I did confirm two things before it was over, and those were, that was a date and she did like me. So Peyton, thanks for the dating experience I guess. And we never officially said goodbye, so I’ll do it now, goodbye. 

Now this may seem like a big lie to some people, and I don’t blame you, it is extremely ridiculous sounding that I had this many events happen within my first, second, and third grade life. But if you think thats dumb, wait until you hear this, I, Brody Haller, in the second grade, started a incognito buisness in my class. So not only was I a smooth talker, a grudge holder, and a stalked third grader, I was also an entrepreneur. Now you may be wondering, what market was I cornering? I’ll tell you, pencil tips. 

Yep, I sold brand new erasers for broken graphite you acquired when your pencil tip broke in the sharpener, a masterful scheme, wouldn’t you agree? Yeah I was really impulsive in second grade, if I had an idea, I did it, no stopping me. And one day I saw the pencil tips discarded in the pencil sharpener, sitting there waiting for a savior, and I stepped up to the plate. On that day I made my trade, I would give erasers to people for certain amounts of pencil tips, ranging from 20-50, I was the Godfather of Graphite. 

My services went rather unknown for a decent while, only my friend group having access, but by the third grade, people I barely knew were bringing in their discarded tips to me. Now you may be wondering what my actual plan was, sure I was saving the pencil tips, but they would just lay in my bookbag all day, no better than the sharpener. But I was going to give them a better home, and to do it I was going to give them to charity, because if I saw them as currency, why couldn’t they? 

That was my actual end goal, give a zip-up bag of pencil tips to charity. That would’ve been so rude and I apologize for it, but I say it would've because someone came in the way of my master plan, a brat/true-savior I’ll name Ginna. Ginna was a brat and a teacher's pet and I resent her, but she may have also saved me an embarrassing talk to my parents about currency, so I’ll call it even. Anyways, the fall of my great empire was set outside the class, as if you were doing a huge project like a poster, you were allowed to lay outside the door and work on it, something Ginna and Ethan were doing at the time. I exited the class and was strolling to my backpack, noticing Ethan sharpening his pencil, which led to me jokingly going over to him and asking for the tips, but the brat herself Ginna doesn’t like jokes. “If you guys keep wasting those pencils by sharpening them when they don’t need it, I’m telling!” (I picture her voice similar to that of nails on a chalkboard). I scoffed and waltzed over to my backpack, annoyed at this 2nd grader thinking they had the audacity to invoke the tattle penalty. Angry, I reached in my backpack and grabbed whatever, but heard distant arguing which stopped me. And when I turned back to Ethan and Ginna, Ginna was stomping into the classroom and Ethan was panicking, she wasn’t going to actually tattle on us, right?

She did. Yep, turns out Ginna’s father is a teacher at the school so they didn’t really scare her, and when Ethan went to sharpen his pencil again, Ginna took it as a gesture of war and tattled on our whole operation. What a snitch. We got called in and told off, and the entire operation fell, the Godfather of Graphite was benched in one foul swipe. And while at the time I was mad, it was probably for the best that I didn’t ask my parents to donate a bag of broken pencil tips to charity.