The White Mistress

Dec 3rd, 2021 is the date that I will always keep in my memory, I still remember the day I saw her as I walked into the grocery side of Walmart to clock in. As I entered the store and walked past the cart tunnel to the front end of the store, there she was leaning on the hand sanitizer stand where the Health Ambassadors normally were. At that point I had been working at Walmart for almost a year, so I knew that she was a new worker. I walked past her and said nothing but I intended on getting to know my new coworker as it was common curtesy, and she probably didnt know anyone. 

Fast forward about an hour, I push a giant line of carts into the cart tunnel and see her glance over at me. My attention drew to her, something about her just got me. I walked over to her and took a second to gather myself, as I was mesmorized by her. She wasnt a supermodel, and not even the prettiest girl I had seen in town, but her eyes were as blue as an aquifer, her hair as golden as a rappers chain, and her vibe screamed that she was confident without pretending to be. I made a quirky joke about how boring it must be standing there all day, as all the Health Ambassadors really do is make sure nobody steals anything, and I also previosuly held that position so I understood her boredom. She looked up from her phone, and laughed at my crappy joke which then turned into an hour long conversation getting to know each other. I normally wouldnt slack off like that at work but it was extremely slow and I was working with five other coworkers so I wasnt worried, and neither were they. Eventually our conversation came to an end, and we exchanged phone numbers, but not in ‘interested in dating’ way as she seemed like she wasnt interested. For a while we were just coworkers who would mess around at work and joke around, it was all good vibes.

Fast forward to about a week after Christmas, at this point I changed my hairstyle to a perm with a bald fade, even though it wasnt a true perm by definition since my hair is naturally wavy with a bit of curl to it. I show up to work to what I thought would be a normal day at work, and as I walked into the store and past the self checkout I see her helping a customer. I walk past her as I notice something made her jolt up to look at me, as I hear her say with a bit of excitement and shock at how much she likes my hair. I was always insecure about my hair so this compliment made me blush hard and all I could say was “Thanks,” nervously as I walked past her to clock into work. 

This one compliment led to a roller coaster of events which included daily flirting between each other which would range from her calling out to me saying “Oh look, its pretty boy!” everytime she saw me, to doing stupid things like making inappropriate images out of sticky notes on my vest, or pushing her in a cart through the isles while we barged through customers and laughed at loud. At first I though nothing of it, but I eventually caught on, and gave into it because at that point I had been single for almost four years, and I was desperate to get into a relationship.
Around Valentines Day I wanted to buy her a gift even though I knew it most likely wouldnt work out. I picked out a teddy bear and grabbed the first bag of candy I found at work and went to self checkout. There she was again helping customers in self checkout with the smile of angels on her face, a smile that was the most noticeable in the entire store. I felt a sense of embarrassment as she looked towards my way, and she asked me what I was buying and why. I fumbled and said it was my mom out of all things, feeling like an idiot in that moment. I could tell she looked dissapointed, but wuickly regained her happy go lucky vibe and went back to work. The very next day I gave her the gifts I got her and tried to explain myself. She laughed it off, took my gifts, and said thanks to me as she walked off with her friend and her sister and I could tell they were doing the typical things girls do when talking about a boy. I felt a sense of relief inside myself along with a spark of confidence.

Fast forward to the next day we btoh worked, I walked into Walmart and saw her leaning against the hand sanitizer stand again, looking pretty as ever. She was giddy as soon as she saw me and we talked a bit before walking to an area in the store to talk to each other in secret. We both agreed we wanted to start talking as more than friends, and I asked her if she liked my gifts. She said yes, and hit me with the biggest bombshell in my entire life. She hesitated with the most excitment I have ever seen on a person before, as she exploded and told me she got me a gift. She turned bright red with the biggest smile I had ever seen on someone. I had never gotten a gift from another girl before, especially on Valentines Day, so at that very moment I didnt know what to do. I felt every emotion at once, absolutely excited beyond belief. I kept my composure and she told me she would give it to me after work, so I told her to text me whenever she clocks out. 

10:30 p.m. I receive a text “Coming lol,” and I bursted out of my car, and made my way to the front doors of Walmart. I saw her walking with giddy towards me, and we made our way to her car. She tells me to close my eyes, and I do as she fishes through her trunk. She tells me to open my eyes and as I do and turn around I see the biggest stuffed bear I had ever seen, as it as almost as big as I was, which is six foot. I was beyond thankful and told her how thankful I was as I blushed and felt a rush of emotions. She was the same, and she stood nervously looking down and dragging her feet side to side while holding her hands together. 

After about a minute or two of talking I was ready to leave, as I caressed her cheek and said goodbye. Thats when she shocked me even more when she said “Wait!” and told me the same words that repeat in my head everyday. “Ugh, I havent done this in so long,” and she leaned in and made the move on me, and I embraced. We had this moment for another minute or two, until it came to a stop. We looked at each other, and I knew that we both felt the same about each other, and knew without a doubt that she had feelings for me. I left work that night and couldnt go to bed as that moment kept repeating in my head, and I didnt mind at all.

The following few months were very different and difficult. She hit me with a text saying that she feelt bad for kissing me and that she didnt want to start a relationship because she wasnt ready. I understood and expressed it, while holding in the feeling of sadness and absolute misery at the same time. It was the first time a girl ever felt some type of way of me. I kept cool and told her we can stay friends. 

The next week was a repeat where we made up which then followed along with a text saying “I think were moving too fast,” and I again told her I understood and was sorry. Even though I told her I understood I still tried to keep pushing for a relationship which looking back at now, was the worst thing to do and I still regret it to this day. 

Fast forward again to her last day at Walmart. Before she left for good, I told her I wanted to talk with her in the parking lot, and so we did. I told her I would miss her as she was one of the only reasons I enjoyed work, I looked forward to talking to her everyday. Thats when she said she was sorry and hugged me, I felt a sense of relief. As she got into her car I walked away, as she drove past me and yelled out to me “Bye pretty boy,” as I smiled and waved to her, hoping we could at least stay friends.

Following along with this was the worst month of my life. I texted her a total of 6 times within that month, as she ghosted me the whole time,. I felt like I couldnt do anything right, it was so unexpected, I didnt know what I did wrong. I sat in my bed for 9 hours at one point without getting out to eat or go to the bathroom. Eventually I finally saw her at Walmart one day and went up to her. As we talked I could tell she was not thrilled to see me, so I gave up. For whatever dumb reason I thought of, I texted her afterwards and told her I wanted to make up our friendship. Thats when she nailed the coffin and texted me with a text that still haunts me, “What friendship,” followed with an unfollow on Snapchat. 

Here I am now, about two weeks after the unfortunate unadd, on my third straight month of hitting the gym for at least five days a week. I started hitting the gym out of spite because of her around Februrary when she rejected me the first time. I still regret some of the events that occurred between us, but at the same time I have finally felt motivated for once in my life, as I hope to grow from this and learn from it. At the same time, I will always love that girl and hope she does well in life and finds the right guy. Hopefully I can look back from a year, two years, five years, and ten years down the road and say to my past self and to her “Thank you, you were the reason I never gave up on myself.”