The Worst Years of My Life

I sat in my driver's seat, looking at myself through the rearview mirror. I watched myself in disgust as tears moisturized my cheeks. The corner of my mouth tingled with the liquid from my eyes. My ponytail was hanging on by a thread, allowing the front pieces to fall in my face. Through my puffy and tired eyes, I looked in the reflection, staring back at someone I no longer recognized. How am I supposed to do this for the next three and a half years? 

High school sucks. People suck at driving, making the parking lot a danger zone. The lunch tastes like dog crap. The halls are infested with germs. The school can never get the temperature right. The school spirit sucks which makes the vibe suck even more. Girls are mean and boys are dumb. People say high school should be the time of your life. I have never disagreed more. 

Coming into high school, I had my best friend, Tessa Foster. We were like peanut butter and jelly, until I realized I never did like jelly on my sandwiches…

Tessa and I met in sixth grade in our Disciplinary Literacy class. We were friendly but never close. After school once, we were standing on the stairs leading to the parent drop off and pick up. It was freezing that day. Rain took over the sky the night before, making the steps of our middle school icy. Both of us had our hands bundled in our pockets with the hoods of our jackets cinched around our heads. A boy started down the stairs but slipped on a piece of ice, falling to his butt and down two steps. Tessa and I gasped, closing our hands over our mouths. The boy recovered his balance and successfully made it down the rest of the steps. Tessa and I exchanged one glance before forcing our sight back to the boy. While he was attempting to get in the passenger side of his vehicle, he slipped once again. We tried to keep our laughter inside but we lost it. Tears formed in her eyes while my ribs throbbed from the laughter. We tried to tell ourselves that we shouldn’t be laughing, but that only made us giggle more. Ever since that day, we were inseparable. We became best friends all because some dude slipped down a flight of stairs.

I convinced myself that Tessa and I would stay best friends all through high school. We played volleyball together, had sleepovers, shared clothes, and told our deepest secrets to each other. My heart ached when I realized I would pass my old best friend and only see a stranger. 

Before all hell broke loose, Friday Night football games made my freshman year. Even though you were crowded like sardines in a can, it was a blast. During the day, you would share pics of your outfit for the game’s theme. You and your friends would plan to meet under the bleachers to make your way to the stands together. After getting seated, you were stuck. Unless you wanted your spot stolen…

During those nights, I met Avery Krates. She was just shy of five one, allowing us to look each other straight in the eyes. Her blonde hair was always down, blowing in the October wind. She always had a crowd of lost puppies following her, mostly boys. I mean, I couldn’t blame 'em. She had a rockin body of a gymnast. A slim waist with thick thighs. Avery had a flirty personality, something she was very aware of.

We shared a friend, Chloe Carter. Chloe was tall, maybe five-nine. She was really thin with short blonde hair. She was so approachable and had an enchanting smile. Chloe and I only exchanged a few smiles and waves when we crossed each other's paths. During summer weights were when our friendship grew. Those early mornings from eight to nine, Tessa and I bonded with Chloe with our mutual dislike of exercise. It had always just been Tessa and I, so we were thrilled to find another girl we could see as our best friend. With Chloe, came Avery. A package deal. With the angel comes the devil. With the rainbow comes the storm. 

Wait. That one is backward. You get the point. 

At first, I thought Avery was a cool chick. She was such a good friend to Chloe. She never allowed anyone to say anything negative about Chloe behind her back. I had a lot of respect for her. One thing led to another, and we were a group of four. Two pairs of best friends coming together. I was so excited. I had always wanted a girl-only friend group. And this was gonna be it. 

We all started to hang outside of school. We had countless sleepovers, date nights, and gossip sessions. One night, however, was the most memorable.

A few of our guy friends lived only minutes from Avery. My girls and I were already having a sleepover at her house. Our friend, Michael, suggested we all meet at his. In Avery’s basement, we each grabbed the closest blanket and wrapped ourselves like a burrito. Avery and I reached for a pair of dinosaur slippers. Chloe and Tessa were stuck with two pairs of slides meant for a fifth grader. We crawled up the stairs, eager to get out of the house. Once we formed a line on the sidewalk, Avery led us to Michaels.

The night consisted of a ping pong tournament, TikToks, and ended with us watching The Conjuring. Anyone who claims that that movie is scary needs a swift kick to the rear. Most boring “horror” movie ever.

Anyway, we left Michaels's house around 11:30. On the way home, I walked on the cracks embedded in the sidewalk. I held my hands up and out as if I was balancing on a tightrope. I carefully placed each step so my foot met the center of the crack. The streets were empty, letting the traffic and street lights glow the roads. Out of nowhere, we rushed toward the middle of the street, spinning and laughing as we stared up at the night sky. I fell to my knees while my blanket protected my skin from the harsh impact. I brought each leg in front of me as I moved to my back. I sprawled out, my body replicating a starfish. I was mesmerized by the tiny balls of fire flying in the night sky. Anybody in the distance looking at us would have thought we were a bunch of idiots. We were lying in the middle of the street at 11:30 at night. So yes, we were idiots. But without thinking, my best friends took their place beside me, lying in the same position. The moment of silence erupted with our cries of laughter. We pushed to our feet and ran back to Avery’s house.

The next day, the afternoon sun pried my eyes open. I took the palms of my hands and pushed them into my eyes. I sat up, reaching for the ceiling to get a full stretch. 

Once we got back to Avery’s house, there was no chance of slumber.. So the second I got home from running on two hours of sleep, I fell head first into my pillow.. 

When I left my post-nap haze, I reached for my phone and pulled up the girl's group chat. We planned on meeting up again later that night. Without hesitating, I sent a quick text.

Maslyn: What are we doin' tonight?

I waited several minutes for a reply. I could see that the other girls opened my text. Yet, no one replied. I was left on read. My gut started to twist, telling me something was off. Am I just being dramatic? Why would they be upset? What did I do? Did we not just have a good time last night? Questions took over my mind.

Maslyn: Helloooo

No response. Nothing. I curiously opened Snapchat to view their locations. Yes, I know that sounds a little stalkerish. Well.. a lot stalkerish. Tessa, Chloe, and Avery were all at Avery’s house. Goosebumps crawled up my neck. I was being left out. I tried to stay rational but rage age blurred my vision. How could they do this? Why don’t they like me? What did I do? I replayed every moment leading up to then, overanalyzing my words, actions, body language… everything. I came up dry. Me being the obnoxious self I was, I texted again.

Maslyn: Are y’all hangin' out? I thought we were gonna hang together

No response.

Maslyn: Are you guys ignoring me?

Maslyn: Did I do something?

Avery: sorry my mom said i can’t have more than two people over and i thought u were already busy

Um. What? 

Maslyn: I thought we planned on hanging?

Again, no response. Okay, I'm angry now. Why are they lying? Why are they leaving me out? Why don’t they like me?

Avery: sorry we just thought u were busy

  The text stared back, right into my eyes. My pulse quickened as I drew my eyebrows together. I don’t understand. Why won’t they tell me the truth? How can you be best friends with someone one minute, just for them to turn their backs on you the next? What hurt the most was Tessa’s ability to forget me. Did our friendship not mean anything? How could she do this? My confusion turned into anger. Time to release the Kraken. 

The rest of the night, I forced myself to not say another word. Rage caused my lungs to compress. My heart punched my chest while tears slid down my cheeks. I brought my hands to my eyes, wiping away any visible weakness. I could feel my head throb in a steady rhythm. Thump… thump… thump. My shoulder blades made contact with my bed. I lay on my back staring at my ceiling fan. My body felt like it weighed a ton, making it impossible to sit back up.  I kept my head still as my eyes followed one arm rotating. It could’ve been 2 minutes or 2 hours, but my eyelids finally grew tired. 

The following Monday, I just kept rereading every text between my friends and I. I looked through pictures of us smiling, wondering how everything can change in only seconds. I felt so lonely. I’m sure they thought I was overreacting, and I was. But that just made it worse. I would never purposely leave someone out after making plans. The fact that they didn’t think anything of their actions was the worst. 

On Monday, I sent a text to Avery Krates. I was quick to act. Maybe too quick… But it only took one night to feel the pain as if this happened a thousand times before. I sent a kind text explaining my pain. And yes, it was actually nice. I made it clear I didn’t want to feel left out or a last resort again. I figured I might as well cut off all strings before I got too attached. Of course, Avery came back strong. She begged for my forgiveness. I think she was surprised just as much as I was. I didn’t really know what I was doing. All I knew is I never wanted to feel the hurt of being a second choice again.

In the days following, it only got worse. After my text, I reached out to Tessa. I wasn’t expecting her to travel to the ends of the earth to repair our friendship. And I certainly wasn’t expecting her to cut me off completely. I figured Tessa and I would still be friends, just not as close. I thought we were just growing apart, not growing into enemies. 

I walked the halls of our high school with girls whispering and pointing at me. People were begging to know the details about the “fallout.” I was so confused. How did they know about all this? Why are they making it such a big deal? Are they telling people? Why are they telling people? Avery took it upon herself to bash my name to anyone in a six-foot radius. Girls I never even talked to came up to me showing screenshots of Avery calling me a b*tch, a wh*re, petty, and all of the above. What did I do to be name-called like this? I thought I sounded mature. Why are they doing this? 

Tessa and Chloe followed Avery’s steps. If Avery had an opinion, Tessa and Chloe were forced to think the same. If Avery wanted Chipotle, they all ate Chitple. Everyone Avery hated was now hated by her two minions. Shockingly… I made that list. 

I was so angry that these girls were bashing my name. I confronted each one, demanding answers as to why they were acting like this. Of course, they denied, denied, denied. At this moment, I thought screw being the better person. If they're gonna come at me, I’m gonna come back harder. They got under my skin. Time to get under theirs.  

At school, Chloe and Avery sat alone at a four-person table during lunch. Disgust ran through my veins. How could they sit there so innocently, acting like they didn’t just break my heart?  

Was I being dramatic? 100%. 

Did I think that at the moment? Nope, not at all. 

So, I did what any person without a clear conscience did… or maybe that was just me. I faced my back to the girls so I could take a selfie with them in the background. I lifted my phone and angled it to the right. Once I had the perfect angle, I clicked the picture button. I lowered my phone examining my devilish grin with the pair of best friends in the back. I tapped the screen to pull up a text box. Without thinking, I wrote, I told u they have no friends. 

Why did I write this? Don’t know.

Did my anger justify my actions? Nope. 

Did I post it anyway? Yup. 

On Snapchat, I added it to my private story of a few close friends. I felt I had so much power. Little did I know, that so-called feeling of “power,” obliterated only days later…

By the time 7th hour started on Friday, I was pissing my pants. I had heard whispers throughout the halls that Avery’s mom called the school. I laughed at that rumor because who got parents involved in girl drama? Let alone the school? Right…?

The phone rang, disturbing the silence of our personal reading. My head shot up towards my teacher. Oh god, this is it. I had never gotten in trouble with the school. And I didn’t want to start now. Especially if it was over stupid drama. My teacher reached for the phone, bringing it to her ear. My leg started to bounce. I could hear my heartbeat in my ears while my stomach swarmed with butterflies. 

“Yes, I’ll send her down,” My English teacher responded. I felt all the eyes in the room on me. My leg was bouncing uncontrollably. As soon as my teacher placed the phone back on its stand, she turned to me. 

“Maslyn, you are wanted in the office,” she said gently. I eased out of my seat, trying to calm my nerves. Who was I kidding, I didn’t have a chance.

My steps started to slow as the office came into view. I kept my eyes glued to the floor. I strategically placed each step, one foot directly in front of the other. I reached for the door handle, my knuckles turning white from my grip of hesitation. I twisted the handle, pulling it towards my body. I slipped through the space between the door and the frame. I turned my back to the front desk, gripping the inside handle to keep it from slamming shut. I inhaled a quick breath, letting my chest rise and fall just as quickly. I allowed my body to face the front desk, forcing my legs to carry me to our secretary.

“I was told Principal Green wanted to see me?” I rasped, not even recognizing my own voice. 

“Okay, sweetie. Right through that door, it's the first room on the right,” the old lady said, pointing to the door across the office. I gave a quick smile and moved my eyes back to the floor. I shuffled to the door and my heart started to race. After I was through the first opening, the room on the right had its door propped open. I slowed my steps, taking one last breath before walking into the lion's den. 

“Ms. Lee, please have a seat,” Mr. Green held his arm out towards the seat across from his desk. I shifted my eyes from the ground to my principal. You couldn’t tell where his shoulders ended and his head began. He looked like a white version of the social worker in Lilo and Stitch, Mr. Bubbles. Welp. I can’t unsee it now.

I gently took a seat as if I was sitting on glass. I pulled my cheek between my teeth, chewing till the metallic taste took over. My leg started to bounce, making a soft thump from my thigh contacting my chair. 

“Do you know why I called you in here today?” Mr. Bubbles asked with disappointment in his gaze. 

“I- uh- I think so,” I mumbled, looking everywhere but him. 

“Can you explain this photo?” Mr. Green pulled up a screenshot of my private story. Well, this is embarrassing. I guess someone snitched…Seriously though, who gets their parents involved in high school drama?! I tried to swallow but my throat felt like sandpaper. I put on my best “I don’t care” attitude. 

“Um… uh,” I stumbled over my words. Yep, my mask was gonna slip real soon.  

“What was the point of this photo exactly?” Mr. Green asked with a sense of disapproval in his tone. Tears stung the back of my eyes, begging to be released. I wasn’t like this. I would never go this low. How could I do this? I felt like a stranger in my own skin. I didn’t recognize myself anymore.

“I- I don’t know… I- I was just angry,” I managed to spit the words out. Mr. Green just shook his head. I was so embarrassed, my tears finally made their escape. 

The rest of the conversation was a blur. I let my tears fall, clouding my vision. I nodded when I needed to and accepted my fate.

I left Mr. Green’s office as fast as I could. The bell had just rang, signaling the end of the school day. I rushed to my red Patriot Jeep. The second I slammed the driver-side door shut, I lost it. Sobs broke free, crushing my pride. I forced my sight to the rearview mirror

When I looked in the mirror, I only felt hate for the girl staring back at me. I despised mean girls. I hated bullies, but not as much as I hated myself at the moment. I had become one… a mean girl. I was so focused on the rage of being left out and lied to, I let it cloud my judgment. 

As I shed all my tears, I realized it would’ve been a long four years if I chose to have kept my “friends.” How was I supposed to stand up for others if I couldn’t stand up for myself? I vowed to myself that I would never stoop so low again and to be honest to myself and others. I never want to feel the hate and embarrassment of getting punished by retaliating as a mean person.