Solanum, action scene | Teen Ink

Solanum, action scene

January 18, 2014
By Tactical_Writer_65 BRONZE, Mona, Utah
Tactical_Writer_65 BRONZE, Mona, Utah
1 article 0 photos 6 comments

I was nervous as I looked around. It was quiet. I didn't like being here. To confined. I had the group in an arrow head formation, and Will was taking rear guard. I knew we were in a totally defensible formation but still. Something bugged me. I didn't like being in the town.

"Alright" I said, "let's move fast and effectively. We go into the market fast and quiet, grab what we need, and leave. I don't want to be here when Zeke comes for us".

The moved to a jog, but I still thought we made too much noise. We came up to the door of the store. An old, rusted down Walmart. The inside was trashed, the windows boarded. The w on the sign hung by a bolt. I creaked the slide door open slowly, quietly. I looked inside, aiming my hunting rifle randomly, making sure no zombies were at the entrance. My heart pounded. I don't want to be here. I really don't want to be here. I walked forward to the check out line. I could here a moan.

" crap"

Then I saw it, a rotting, pale figure, loping towards us. It was moving fast for a Z. Mae spun, firing point blank at the creature head with her gun. The head exploded, diseased, black brains splatter, the body pitching forward.

"Alright" I said loudly, " Will and Jack, guard the door. Ben, Alex, and Mae, go grab some food. Tass and Autumn, will you go get some meds. Tris, you come with me to get some ammo. We meet back here in ten minutes, then we leave".

Everyone hurried off to grab the supplies. I ran to the back of the store, letting the signs guide me and tris to the hunting section. When we got there, we rummaged through the items. Tris was stuffing ammunition boxes in here pockets. I ripped open a package, refilled my magazine and gave the rest to her. She did the same. I started to fill my own pockets and a small part of my bag. I see Tris go around the corner. Then she screamed. I bolted around the aisle, a bullet already in the chamber. A zombie was on top of her. She had gun held up, trying to fend it off. I fired and it slumped. She scrambled from under it but more zombies were coming from the main aisle. I fired again and again.she was behind me, but her gun was jammed she was screaming. A ghoul ran for her, got to her before she could defend herself. She screamed as it's sharp, broken teeth tore a gash in her neck. I dropped the gun and drew my katana. I stabbed backhanded into the monsters back and lifted. It squirmed on the blade. Tris pulled a pistol and shot. I wedged the blade out and grabbed the rifle, holding it in my right hand, katana on the left.

Tris just sat there, the gun to her head. I didn't want to watch. I turned as the trigger was pulled. The whole store erupted with moans. As I ran down the aisles, I could see crawlers, full bodied Zeke and corpses, already eaten out, unable to reanimate. One zombie, I could see, was eating out a body. It turned and saw me. Then it started to lope forward very fast, a terrible screeching noise emitting from it's messed up vocal cords. I raised the rifle one handed, aimed, and fired. The z lunged forward and fell, dead for the second time. I ran to the front of the door, sheathing the katana.

"Is everyone here" I asked.

Will and Alex were firing out into the streets. I was wondering, where is Jack. Then I remember. The corpse. The other came up to me.
"Where's Tris" Tass asked.

"Zeke got her" I said grimly

Mae took charge then. "Arrowhead formation, out the door, I'll take rear guard. Let's get out of this mud hole".

We went at a jog, crouched down, scanning. Everyone was in a killing mode know. I could tell. I could hear some of the others in the back taking shots,our hunting rifles wreaking havoc on Zeke. I could see a group of 'em ahead of us. I loaded and fired, worked the bolt action, and fired again. Ben and Autumn turned and fired too, taking out the group. I could here Mae yelling, how they were swarming, there were too many. I was freaked out. "Circle up" I yelled over the roar of our guns.

"I got a plan" I said. They looked at me. "I'm gonna let Zeke go on after me, I'll run, be a bait. You guys head for the cabin we saw a couple hours ago. I'll meet you there". They all started protesting, firing out at the zombies. Then Ben said," I'll go with you".

"We'll go now" Mae was yelling," Tass and I just opened a hole through Zeke. Run!"
And we ran.


The author's comments:
This is part if a book I'm writing, called Solanum. It's about a kid, named Aiton, and his friends, who is on a trek, trying to find his family. In this part, they are raiding an abandoned Wal-mart, and it ends in disaster. This book is a zombie apocolypse story.

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This article has 9 comments.


on Jun. 12 2014 at 9:54 am
Tactical_Writer_65 BRONZE, Mona, Utah
1 article 0 photos 6 comments
hey! thanks

HudaZav SILVER said...
on May. 15 2014 at 11:10 am
HudaZav SILVER, Toronto, Other
8 articles 6 photos 390 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Nothing is impossible; the word itself says 'I'm possible'!" -Audrey Hepburn

This was really exciting! Kind of felt like I was watching a movie in my head. Good job =)

on May. 6 2014 at 12:35 pm
Tactical_Writer_65 BRONZE, Mona, Utah
1 article 0 photos 6 comments
Thanks to all of you great writers for giving me great pointers on my little story I've been working in at school with friends.

on Feb. 19 2014 at 9:58 am
Tactical_Writer_65 BRONZE, Mona, Utah
1 article 0 photos 6 comments
Thanks for reading it. Yes, I know I have those errors. I need to fix those.

holly1999 GOLD said...
on Feb. 19 2014 at 4:34 am
holly1999 GOLD, Middlesbrough, Other
12 articles 8 photos 114 comments

Favorite Quote:
'There was no need to clarify my finger snap, the implication was clear in the snap itself' - Magnus Bane

I really liked this story. It flowed well and is easy to understand. It was detailed and I felt like I could see everything that was going on, although I would try to use more descriptive devices where you can. The only thing I really noticed was that there are a couple of spelling/grammar errors, particularly in the seventh paragraph. There are a couple of places where you should check if the story is in that correct tense, for example 'I see Tris go around the corner' should be 'Isaw Tris go around the corner'. Other than that, I'd really like to read more of this. Great writing!

on Feb. 13 2014 at 6:54 pm
Tactical_Writer_65 BRONZE, Mona, Utah
1 article 0 photos 6 comments
Hey, thanks for reading.

on Feb. 13 2014 at 2:26 pm
Beanzoinalin GOLD, Linesville, Pennsylvania
12 articles 0 photos 28 comments

Favorite Quote:
"You! Yes you reading this. You are beautiful, talented, amazing, and simply the best at being you. NEVER FORGET THAT!"

Wow all of the things I have ever read on this topic are really fanasized. Your writing is really good.

on Feb. 11 2014 at 6:20 pm
Tactical_Writer_65 BRONZE, Mona, Utah
1 article 0 photos 6 comments
Thanks. And I'll work on it.

crazyzm BRONZE said...
on Feb. 11 2014 at 9:54 am
crazyzm BRONZE, Greensboro, North Carolina
3 articles 7 photos 38 comments

Favorite Quote:
&quot;I hated every moment of training, but I said, &#039;Don&#039;t quit. Suffer now and live the rest of your life as a champion.&#039;&quot;<br /> -Muhammad Ali

Overall, I really like this part of your story, and it's really easy to follow/ understand. One thing I did notice were the grammar mistakes, like using "it's" when it should be "its", and also forgetting to capitalize after a sentence ends, and in a persons name. The past tense/ present tense thing should also be checked when you're editing, you have a sentence "Then I remember.", I think it should be "Then I remembered". Anyway I really like this part, you have a talent for explaining what is happening in a scene, some writers make it way to confusing to follow. Good luck with writing the rest of your book, Solanum.