Arson

Hello Journal, my adoring fan. 

Today I caught some people doing arson! They were making smores over a burning squirrel home! I put out the fire and sent them to jail. They were released! They were committing arson in a squirrel neighborhood! Idiot cops, they should earn to trust my judgment instead of their own questionable concerns.

Your favorite superhero,

Useless Man

Duck

Hello Journal, my adoring fan.

Today I saved a duck. I was about to save a human who had been kidnapped by a gangster and was about to be killed, but then i noticed the duck crossing the dangerous road. When i got back, the person was dead, but the duck is fine, so it's all good.

Your favorite superhero,

Useless Man

Kidnapped

Hello Journal, my adoring fan.

Can you believe the nerve of some people?! Not only to kidnap someone, but to dress up as a police officer! Isn't police impersonation illegal? What is the world coming to? Anyway, i was flying along, looking for people to save, when i spotted a “police officer” kidnapping an innocent. I knocked out the villian and returned the victims bag. I don't know what was in it but it was heavy- to a normal person. i , of course, have super strength. Then i took the kidnapper to jail.by the way, a bank was robbed near where i saved that man. Too late to do anything about it though, so i guess thats not relevant.

Your favorite superhero,

Useless Man

Sunfyre

Dear Journal, my only living fan.

I. failed. I know, shocking! But terribly, true. I suceeded too though. A commet was going to hit earth and possibly kill a few fish. I pushed earth too close to the sun to get it out of the way. On the bright side, all of dinner is cooked. All life on earth is, actually, except me because I'm awesome. Dinner is burnt though… oh well, a new planet can have my incredible powers, intelligence, handsomness, perfection, strength, flight, ect. 

Your favorite superhero,

Useless Man

Flight

Dear Journal, my adoring fan.

Today on Tv i heard that you can do anything! So when i heard a kid say they wished they could fly, i pushed her off a cliff. I couldn't see the bottom, so i didn't get to see her fly, but i'm sure shes doing it well. 

Your favorite superhero,

Useless Man

Theif

Dear Journal, my adoring fan.

Today i found a thief stealing walnuts! It was tiny and disguised as a squirrel, but it didn't fool me. I beat it up. The thief faked death, but i could see through the act. I gave the walnuts back to a little boy they were stolen from. He didn't move or thank me, just stood their staring in the direction of the thief. Shock and trauma, no doubt.

Your favorite superhero,

Useless Man