Three Referees Rough

Once upon a time, there lived three rather gruff referees. They all earned their living in the sporting world, but with different sports. Red Card, a four-foot referee, earned his keep refereeing amateur soccer games while Ace, the middle referee, umpired major league baseball games. Although he was a bit larger, he still did not reach five feet. Blitz, the largest referee- at six feet tall plus- worked National Football League games. All of them had plenty of work, but kept an eye on the truly important games that they had always dreamt of working- the World Cup, World Series, and the Super Bowl.

But Fanboy, an urban troll under a bridge, was the one and only thing that kept the three referees from achieving their lifelong dreams. He was exacting because he expected to see quality sporting events. And Fanboy could smell a ref’s incompetence a mile away.

Red, the smallest referee of the three, desperately wanted to work the World Cup, but had a way of missing fouls and off side calls that enraged the fans. Just last week, LA Galaxy battled to a 1-0 lead in the 89th minute against the Colorado Rapids only to see it washed away a minute later due to Red missing an offside call. The game limped to overtime and the Galaxy collapsed and lost 2-1. As the smallest referee made his way across the bridge that led to more prestigious jobs, he clamored across the bricks and attracted the attention of the troll. The troll sprang from under the bridge and protested, “Who’s that on MY bridge wearing stripes? No amateur official is gonna move on to high-stake games if you’re so blind you keep missing blatant trips and jawdroppin’ punches to the back. Red, you deserve a dozen red cards for not keepin’ the game safe! I am psyched to kick you ‘off the side’ of the bridge or maybe devour you in the penalty box.”

Red quickly replied, “I don’t like my options. Maybe we can strike a deal? An even larger referee is about to cross the bridge! Why not wait for a more visible target to abuse? Let me cross the bridge to greener turf, and you can punish the Major League Baseball umpire severely.” This suggestion intrigued the troll, and so he agreed to let the soccer referee cross.

Red went on to work the World Cup. His time-wasting free kick call against a women’s Canadian goalie in the World Cup allowed the U.S. to score and win. Final score United States 3, Canada 3, Referee 1. The roar of the troll did not go unnoticed.

Next came Ace. He umpired Major League Baseball games (when he was not playing golf in the offseason). Near the 18th hole, he decided to click clack over the bridge and attracted the attention of the troll. Fanboy still remembered the Kansas City - St. Louis World Series blown call at first base and did not fancy just any umpire working the World Series. Not long ago, he had scrutinized the playoffs in Atlanta and witnessed a shrinking strike zone and a missed tag that helped lose the game for the home team. Again the troll dug himself out from under the bridge and balked at letting the umpire pass, “Puny ref, tell me why you want to cross to greener playing fields!”

The umpire went to bat for himself. He made his pitch; “I have umpired seasons of major league games and won’t have my 20/20 eyesight forever. In ten minutes, a NFL referee will try to cross your bridge. We all appreciate that football refs only call sixteen games a year. I work so many games, my knees stay bent!”

The troll deliberated and offered his best foul tip. “It would be SOOO easy to just tear your limbs off and eat you rather than let you cross. You gotta be more consistent behind the plate. Y’know, trolls don’t like it when you miss an obvious tag at second base or abuse the infield fly rule. Screw-ups make me HUNGRY!” His mouth watered, but he finally agreed to spare him and save room for the largest referee. And so the umpire eventually got to the Playoffs. He missed a call at first base, however, which prompted the troll to dispatch a swarm of sweat bees to pester him. Instant replays showed the Cardinal tag nailed the Giants batter for the third out. Inning extended. Runs scored. Cardinals lost the game. Soon after, Ace was scratched from the starting lineup and demoted to the minor leagues. The troll had stretched once again, and we weren’t even in the seventh inning.

Last came Blitz who aspired to be a Super Bowl referee. Of course, his inexperience hadn’t stopped him from being hired when the regulars contracted some issues with team owners. Blitz fumbled audibly towards the bridge’s end zone. NFL, we now have troll in motion. Fresh in the troll’s mind... blown calls when given second chances as replacements, the Dallas/Green Bay game where two refs contradicted each other’s calls, a critical missed out-of-bounds call in a New York game resulting in skewed game results. “Well, I’ll tell ya something. Watching football is what I do. Bad calls bring out the troll in me! You think you should ref the BIG games when you can’t even handle the smaller ones? REALLY?” demanded the troll.

Blitz figured this was his chance for a Hail Mary, and so he went on the offensive. “We kept football alive for the fans. Without us, there would have been no games, and so we do an amazing job under inordinate pressure. Plus, we wanted the money.”

The troll laughed in his face. “Prepare for a safety, Blitz!”

The ref was waiting for this though, and so he tackled the troll. “Here’s a free kick for you! You’re living in a fantasy league if you think you’re keeping me from the end zone.” He tussled with the troll, finally crossed the bridge, and so continued to ref in the professional league. After missing a facemask, roughing the kicker, a fumble recovery, and calling pass interference wrong three times, the NFL punted Blitz back to the minors.

In the end, all three of the referees were able to evade death by angry troll and cross to the greener grass (temporarily). Now, Fanboy got some justice since they didn’t last as long in the vital games as they hoped. Unfortunately for him, all three underemployed refs moved into an apartment just down the street and within shoutin’ distance of the bridge. Fanboy relished the proximity of his new ‘neighbors’ and never let a missed call go unmentioned. Someone has to keep an eye on the officials. Why shouldn’t it be the troll who lives under the bridge?