“8,9,10. Ready or not here I come”
As I climb the worn wooden stairs careful of my footsteps I hear the stifled giggling. A smile spreads across my face as I head toward the closet of the spare bedroom. I creep along the ragged floorboards and to the white shuttered doors. I can see their smiling faces through the cracks in the entryway to their hiding spot. Smiles so full of joy and life...Yet they’re not full of life at all. They’re full of sorrow and desperation. As I look at their expressions they seem scared. I know that fear was caused by me. My own babies afraid of me.

I’d always wanted kids. Someone to call me mommy and to love me more than I could ever love myself. Ava and Owen. Ava with her pin straight brown hair and piercing green eyes. The slight freckles you could see forming on her cheeks from the summer sunshine. Owen. My baby Owen. The brown hair that curled on the top of his little head and the hazel eyes that made you love him with one look. They were perfect. And they were mine. Just five and seven they were my world.

Hide and go seek was our favorite game. The kids wanted to play everywhere we went. The house was our best playground. Our large house old and full of small rooms and nooks. Perfect hiding places for small children. Owen being the shy boy he is never cared to play alone. Keeping close and trailing behind his sister they were always easy to find. Such happy kids. I was truly lucky to have such perfect babies always running and laughing. Their laughter. The sound every parent finds so soothing. I’m no different.

“Momma, seek time seek time” Owen calls for me from the bottom of the stairs ready to play.
I tell him to grab Ava and find a place to hide. Knowing exactly where they’ll choose for Owen insists on his favorite hiding spot every time I wait a short second and head toward the closet. When I arrive I see them standing there not quite hidden yet. I glide past the doorway and up behind them. Grabbing Ava she lets out a slight shriek followed by shrill laughter. The sound of her laugh doesn’t fill my heart and come as pleasing to me. I feel something inside me shift. Before I can comprehend my feelings and situation, Owen is yelling.
“Mommy stop! You’re hurting Ava! Mommy! Mommy! Stop!”
I feel my baby. Limp in my arms. What have I done? My perfect angel staring up at me with lifeless eyes. Those green eyes just seconds ago filled with euphoria are now empty. But I, I was the perfect mother.

Owen’s stare. Confusion and fear spread clearly across his face. I can’t bear to see the way he looks at me. The disappointment and judgement that will only grow thicker as he grows older. I have to end this.