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The Twilight Saga in About Two Minutes

September 26, 2009
By LucyM BRONZE, Kent, Ohio
More by this author
LucyM BRONZE, Kent, Ohio
2 articles 0 photos 2 comments

Favorite Quote:
90% of my happiness is coming from my pants. <br /> <br /> Alright, alright, sorry, inside joke. Okay how about: &quot;If you give a man a fire, he&#039;ll be warm for a day; if you set a man on fire, he&#039;ll be warm for the rest of his life.&quot; -Terry Pratchett.

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[BELLA and EDWARD are onstage. EDWARD is staring over his shoulder like a creeper at BELLA.]



BELLA: Are you a vampire?



EDWARD: No! Yes...



[BELLA whirls around to face EDWARD.]



BELLA: I love you.



EDWARD: I love you too.



[They kiss. JAMES enters and stands menacingly behind BELLA.]



BELLA: Help! I'm in danger!



[EDWARD punches JAMES. JAMES falls and is no longer onstage. The pair kiss again.]



EDWARD: I love you. I don't love you. I have to go now.



BELLA: Aww.



[EDWARD exits. JACOB enters.]



JACOB: I love you too.



BELLA: Yay!



[They embrace. EDWARD rushes back in.]



EDWARD: Hey, get away from my girl!



JACOB: Or what?



[Michael Jackson music plays, preferably 'Thriller.']



EDWARD and JACOB in UNISON: Dance off!



[They dance for a short time before BELLA interjects.]



BELLA: Stop it! Can't you see- my eggo is preggo!



EDWARD: Yay!

JACOB: (with intensity) I am in love your child! [awkward pause] Hey, isn't there something about the Volturi?



EDWARD: Yeah, but that was anti-climactic.



BELLA: Nothing happened. Edward! Please! Kill me so I can live forever!



EDWARD: (looks doubtful) Okay.



[EDWARD pulls out a gun and shoots her. She collapses to the ground; JACOB face-palms.]





JACOB: I think she meant "bite me."



EDWARD: Oh.



[EDWARD bites BELLA.]



BELLA: (rising with arms outstretched) I'm aliiiiiive!



[RENESME, preschool aged, runs out from behind her.]



RENESME: I'm your daughter!



ALL: Yay!



[Cut to scene of the four skipping through a field with "Happy Together" by the Turtles playing. EDWARD, already shiny, takes his shirt off and blinds everyone with his whiteness. Music abruptly cuts off.]



EDWARD: Oops.



End credits.

The author's comments:
Don't flame, dudes. That's seriously lame. Feel free to film, just credit me in the credits and let me know if you're making a movie so I can check it out.
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JOIN THE DISCUSSION

This article has 1987 comments.

SandyBeachh said...
on Jan. 9 2013 at 1:49 pm
SandyBeachh, Rensselaer, New York
0 articles 0 photos 2 comments

Favorite Quote:
&quot;Disturb not the harmony of Fire, Ice, or Lightning lest these three Titans wreck destruction upon the world in which they clash. Though the water&#039;s Great Guardian shall arise to quell the fighting alone its song will fail. Thus the Earth shall turn to ash. O, Chosen One, into thine hands bring together all three. Their treasures combined tame the beast of the sea.&quot;

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This is absolutely wonderful. Strange looks come your way when you start laughing hysterically in the middle of a public place. You should make more of these. One on the Hunger Games could be very interesting.
In_Love_with_Writing GOLD said...
on Jan. 5 2013 at 1:51 pm
In_Love_with_Writing GOLD, Easton, Pennsylvania
12 articles 0 photos 389 comments

Favorite Quote:
&quot;I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.&quot; Phillipians 4:13

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This was really funny. I've read some of the first Twilight book, but didn't finish or read the others. I guess I don't have to now that I've read this :) And check out some of my stories! Please rate them, subscribe, or comment if you can. It really means a lot and brings a smile to my face each time. Thank you so much!
idontusethisaccountxxx said...
on Jan. 5 2013 at 12:14 pm
idontusethisaccountxxx, Appleton, Wisconsin
0 articles 0 photos 11 comments
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Twilight is SOOOO much more than that!!!!!!!! Have you read the books????
EvanLaine BRONZE said...
on Dec. 29 2012 at 6:03 pm
EvanLaine BRONZE, Valparaiso, Indiana
3 articles 0 photos 7 comments

Favorite Quote:
I am not afraid to keep on living. I am not afraid to walk this world alone. Honey if you stay you&#039;ll be forgiven. Nothing you can say can stop me going home -MCR <br /> <br /> Why must we fall apart to understand how to fly? -Evanescence

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I love you... just... yes this is perfect. words cannot describe the joy that brought me :p
writtenmusic202 SILVER said...
on Dec. 19 2012 at 6:40 pm
writtenmusic202 SILVER, Nahant, Massachusetts
6 articles 0 photos 2 comments

Favorite Quote:
&quot;When I was a child I spoke as a child I understood as a child I thought as a child; but when I became a man I put away childish things.&quot;

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Quite possibly one of the best things I have read. Great job, I should have just read this instead of the books :) good job!!
Alexx830 BRONZE said...
on Dec. 13 2012 at 8:34 am
Alexx830 BRONZE, Louisville, Kentucky
3 articles 0 photos 1 comment

Favorite Quote:
Calm you&#039;re tits<br /> That&#039;s what she said.

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Well done! i really liked it xD i like how stupid edward is as well bravo
Dreamer_ SILVER said...
on Dec. 11 2012 at 3:02 pm
Dreamer_ SILVER, Milton On, Other
7 articles 10 photos 69 comments

Favorite Quote:
&quot;We&#039;re all mad here&quot; ~ Cheshire Cat<br /> <br /> &quot;Whats your dream?&quot;<br /> &quot;To go, away.&quot; ~ Surfs Up.

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Lol that was awesome.
SeargantGoober said...
on Dec. 10 2012 at 8:48 pm
I have to say that your story is probably the best thing that has ever been created lol Like I laughed so hard. Oh my goodness. And pretty much what you had in there was how it went. HAHAHA it was just amazing (: - Courtney
iam4evermyself PLATINUM said...
on Dec. 9 2012 at 4:56 pm
iam4evermyself PLATINUM, Chicago, Illinois
20 articles 1 photo 31 comments

Favorite Quote:
&quot;Hope. It is the only thing greater than fear. A little hope is effective. A lot of hope is dangerous. A spark is okay, as long as it&#039;s contained.&quot;

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HAHAHAHA OMG THAT IS SO FUNNY!!! NICE JOB :)
CharlieBalzary SILVER said...
on Dec. 9 2012 at 5:18 am
CharlieBalzary SILVER, Cape Town, Other
6 articles 3 photos 2 comments

Favorite Quote:
&quot;It is the writer who might catch the imagination of young people, and plant a seed that will flower and come to fruition.&quot;

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To say this is awsome would be a massive understatement. This fully incapsulates the banality of the entire saga. This dialogue would have made for a better movie experience, as far as I'm concerned. Bravo dude!
MatieKae GOLD said...
on Dec. 7 2012 at 11:33 am
MatieKae GOLD, Strafford, Missouri
10 articles 12 photos 15 comments

Favorite Quote:
&quot;Today you are you and that is truer than true, there is no one alive who is youer than you.&quot;<br /> -Dr. Seuss<br /> <br /> &quot;The pen is mightier than the sword.&quot;

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Haha oh that's too funny! But so true, I love how accurate it is, it makes it even more amusing!!
poemluv BRONZE said...
on Dec. 4 2012 at 11:19 am
poemluv BRONZE, Coolidge, Arizona
2 articles 4 photos 9 comments

Favorite Quote:
&quot;When the world shout &#039;give up&#039; hope whipers &#039;try it one more time&#039;&quot;

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ahahahaha!! I love it! XD
BlackNether12 said...
on Dec. 3 2012 at 4:07 pm
BlackNether12, San Ignacio, Other
0 articles 0 photos 16 comments

Favorite Quote:
Try for the utmost, because you&#039;re worth no less - Jeremiah Ludwig.

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Seemed like a pretty sick joke on Twilight . . . but it was well written.
Amanda_T BRONZE said...
on Dec. 1 2012 at 9:44 am
Amanda_T BRONZE, Dayton, Ohio
1 article 0 photos 6 comments
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Gods, I'm laughing so hard! First thing I red on Teenink and that makes me extremely happy! xD
ProcrastinatingSlams SILVER said...
on Nov. 27 2012 at 8:52 pm
ProcrastinatingSlams SILVER, Daphne, Alabama
7 articles 0 photos 3 comments
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I was busting out laughing until the very end, well done.
LaurenD. BRONZE said...
on Nov. 27 2012 at 5:17 pm
LaurenD. BRONZE, Cambridge, Other
1 article 0 photos 5 comments

Favorite Quote:
I&#039;m going to smile like nothing is wrong, talk like everything is perfect, act like it&#039;s all a dream and pretend like it&#039;s not hurting me. ~ Anonymous

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SO true! Melodramatic and I love it! :)
JulesC GOLD said...
on Nov. 25 2012 at 10:40 pm
JulesC GOLD, Orlando, Florida
14 articles 0 photos 10 comments

Favorite Quote:
&quot;It was clich&eacute;, he knew, but he meant it classic.&quot; ~S.E. Hinton (Some of Tim&#039;s Stories)

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That saved me from wasting half of my life having to reading the series. Thank you, this was awesome
BellaCharlie said...
on Nov. 23 2012 at 6:35 pm
BellaCharlie, Osler, Other
0 articles 0 photos 16 comments

Favorite Quote:
Nothing is impossible, the word itself says &#039;I&#039;m possible&#039;! <br /> -Audrey Hepburn

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This is hilarious and accurate.  I love it.
J33P3R5CR33P3R said...
on Nov. 14 2012 at 9:18 am
J33P3R5CR33P3R, Hampton, Virginia
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For the Good of The Allies, He Does The Ubsurd...

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It's amazing how accurate this is. XD
katya4 said...
on Nov. 5 2012 at 11:37 am
'Silver Curtains'! It chronicles the 2012 elections. A sexual political satire at thegreaterbooks.