The Teenage Years


Have you ever just sat down and thought about your mistakes? About the things you would change if you simply had a chance to? The people who you would help? The ones you wouldn't? Would you have dated that dangerous boy in high school? Would you have gotten A’s knowing it would affect you in ways you never thought. I thought this As I stepped onto the field, I felt better, almost like the weight of my past actions had been lifted off my shoulders. The tall dry grass slapped at my legs through my jeans and I shivered as the cold wind ripped through the field. Overhead the gray sky glowed. I took a deep breath smelling the dry smell of weeds, old garbage, and the homey smell of dried out sunflowers. I felt exhausted and in the back of my throat I tasted copper, like it usually happened when I was about to cry. Every year it was the same thing. The same situation. My sweater suddenly felt too tight, the fabric constricting. I took a couple deep breaths trying not to gag on the suddenly overwhelming scent of sunflowers. I looked around me and saw a rock to my left,the light gray smooth surface obvious against the field of brown. My boots crunched a couple stalks of tall weeds the dry crackling sound filling the air as I walked. Before I even sat down my mind began to whirl....

“Masssieeeeee! School.” My mother screamed up the staircase to my room. I jumped, my eyeliner pencil slipping and giving me a raccoon like gash on my lower eye. “Perfect” I mumbled under my breath, and dug around my makeup bag for a wipe. My brown long haired yorkie barked and began to nibble on one of the buckles of my brown boots. “ Jelly Bean! stop!” I groaned, trying to push her away. In my bag I heard a crinkle and finally pulled a wipe out, wiping it slowly on my eye. “Massie I understand you're a senior, but you still have to go to school. You're almost an hour late....again”. My mother snapped from the doorway of my room. I turned and raised an eyebrow at her. Even though it was 7: 34 in the morning, instead of wearing a robe like most normal women, my mother was in a business suit, a hard black briefcase in my pale thin hand, her short blond hair slicked back into a tight bun.

“Mom...exactly. I'm a senior. Just go, I'm leaving in a little bit”. My mother barked out a laugh. “ Of course. Just like the last 65 times that you quote, went to school”. I rolled my eyes remembering that my school had a habit of calling when I missed class,which lately had been almost every day. She spun around and said over her shoulder “Massie I’ll be calling the school.” Her heels were muted by the creamy white carpet in the hall but clicked and clambered down the wooden staircase. I stood by the doorway and waited until I heard the door slam shut and heard my mother’s car start up. I scooped up my puppy and grinned “Jelly Belly my baby!”. The puppy licked at my face, his paws on my nose. I dusted off my black jeans and pinched off a couple strands of light brown dog fur off my light blue knitted sweater. I grabbed my bag and ran down the stairs, Jelly Bean yapping, trying to catch up. I rolled my eyes as I saw the breakfast my mother had left on the counter. I rolled my eyes again but groaned as my stomach tightened in hunger.


Without giving it too much thought, I threw all the food through the garbage disposal, cringing at the sound of pancakes,eggs and bacon being shredded to pieces. I looked down at Jelly Bean, who had propped herself right in front of me. “Jelly I'll have a big lunch I promise”. The puppy barked and walked away from me. I rolled my eyes “just like my mother”. I ran down the stairs almost snapping my legs in the process. I opened the door, fluffed my hair one last time and stepped outside into the cold. The wind ripped through the thin black leather jacket and brought tears to my blue eyes. My breath came out in puffs, my nose red and I shivered. As soon as I turned on my phone, texts began pouring in. I rolled my eyes, and dropped the phone into my bag, and ran up the entrance, the marble stairs clicking under my boots.

I rolled my eyes at a couple dorky looking freshman who waved hello to me “ew” I snickered. I grinned when I saw my friends. Of course they were surrounded by the usual group of ‘wanna-be’s. As I neared the group I saw Jessica pull up her white button up shirt, exposing her thin stomach. “I lost 5 more pounds. Didn't eat anything all weekend.” She was gorgeous, my best friend since the second grade. She hadn't changed much, still had her thick red hair and huge green eyes. I turned when Marie flipped her long brown hair to get everyones attention. “I lost 8 pounds. I only weigh 100 pounds now”. The other wannabes look at them in shock. I bursted into the group, right between Marie and Jessica. “Well girls sorry to make you feel bad..but you lose this week competition... again. I lost 12 pounds. Haven't eaten anything but an apples since Thursday. All the girls gasped as I pushed my long blond hair out of my eyes. “I don't believe you... you look a bit too heavy” Jessica smirked, her eyes dancing. “Tuh your thighs don't say you lost 5 pounds”. We grinned at each other and looped arms. We left the other girls, without any goodbyes. We leaned in and Jessica whispered “break? …. I mean if its ok with Massie”. I nodded and we headed towards the bathroom. We let Jessica go first and followed, making sure no one was there. The suspense hung in the air, the fear that we could get caught at any moment making us cautious. We watched as Jessica used a key and jammed it into the door. Marie used her sweater to jam it into the window, so the smoke wouldn't reach the principal's office, which was right over the bathroom. I didn't know any special tricks, so I just sat on the marble sink.

Finally Marie pulled out her, as she called them ‘special pills’ and took 5 of them. She popped them in her mouth like they were candy, and drank them down with bathroom sink water. “Girls, who has a cigarette?” I grinned as Jessica lit me up. I cought as the first peel of smoke drifted into my lungs. I felt safe in the bathroom, with it’s lemon green walls and white stalls. It was small, but homey. Of course there was writing all over the walls, I mean come on, it's a public school. “ I find it funny that no one has caught us yet...” Marie giggled, as the pills began to take effect. “You find everything funny” Jessica mumbled and we bursted out laughing. Marie was laying on her back on Jessica’s jacket, and her eyes were closed. Many pulls later I looked at my watch “ ugh my mothers gonna have a fit. Girls its almost 5th period... oh well. I'm moving out next year anyways”. Jessica’s eyes flashed “then we’ll be able to do with without any problem.” I groaned “I know Jessie...my mother is a blow” ….


Now that I sit here on this rock, the wind blowing through my hair, my mind clear, I realize theres some things I should have known. I should have felt my phone in my pocket, or at least checked it once. I would have figured out that my phone has accidentally called my mother. Thinking back, I should have known there was nothing I could do to save Jessica or Marie. Tears poured down my face as I think back.

Never will I play with Maries brown curls or pull on Jessica’s straight red hair to get her attention. Never again will I smoke or drink with my best friends, but I don't think I want to. I mean thats what started this. Never again will we have endless sleepovers, or tell each other secrets or flash random strangers. Thinking back right now, I should have stopped those conversation and those competitions. When they told me that they hadn't been eating to lose weight I should have stepped up and said something. I can't stop thinking about the funerals, which was almost too depressing. No one was there for Jessica but her mother. No one came for Marie. We were popular in school but we didn't talk to other people. Better yet, people feared us. People were scared of how we would see them, not knowing that we were the exact same way. I should have stopped Marie and Jessica. I really should have. They always respected me even when we would have fights. I should have been a better friend, someone who listened and cared, instead of hurting them with their own secrets. I was always too busy, worried about how other people saw me and my girls or about how cool it was to do all these drugs.

Thats the problem with being a teenager. You make endless mistakes, mostly because in the moment you're not worried about the consequences or about how you might hurt someone.We worried too much about how other people see us, people we don't even know. I want to say what happened to me was peer pressure but it wasn't. I was responsible for what happened to me, not other people. I simply brought Jessica and Marie down with me. That’s other problem with teeenagers. blame. We never want it. We insist it was the next person. The wind flips my hair into my wet face and I let it, letting it be like a curtain to block out the world. Mistakes....yes...everything that happened was a mistake...

That night when I got home I dropped everything in the doorway, pushing the heavy door. Me Jessica and Marie had gotten dinner at this new place called Remedy's Dinner. Everything had been more than 800 calories, and I had forced myself to choke down every bite. I turned on the lights, lightening up my dark cold house. My mother wasn't home yet, and my puppy barked as soon as I started moving around. I grinned and walked slowly into the bathroom. The white bathroom was enormous, with a huge window on the side. I grabbed a rubber band, tightly wrapping my hair up. I dropped down directly in front of the toilet my body shivering as the cold tiles touched my hands and my knees.

Without giving it too much thought, I jammed my fingers into my throat. Immediately I threw up the dinner, the chunks flying into the toilet. I suddenly felt a cold draft and looked at the closed window before looking at the door. Instead of seeing an empty doorway, my mother stood there, her blue eyes mean and dark...

Well long story short, I got in endless amounts of trouble. My mother was mad at me for ruining out “perfect family”. As if my dad going on “business trips” across the country and getting calls from a women named “ Brianna” at 3am wasn't doing that. After me going to therapy for endless hours, answering dumb questions of ‘Why do you feel this way?’, ‘How does that make you feel?’ and ‘How may you have handled that differently?’

I was starting to get better until I heard the news that Marie had overdosed. Let’s just say that her ‘just to make me feel like i'm flying pills’ made her actually think she grew wings. Maybe that’s the reason she jumped over her 35th floor apartment balcony, slapping at the bottom. the impact was heard by many people. Maybe we’ll find out one day what was going through her mind. We won't. I needed 37 more therapy sessions after that. Just when I was getting better again, I got even worst news. I got the news from my therapist since my mother was too scared after I flipped out about Marie.

My Jessica. My best friend since second grade. My Jessy wessy. She had gotten drunk and began to dance on the train tracks after a party. She was ‘drinking her pain away’. She always had a habit of doing that. A train came....but that one didn't hit her. She dodged 4 different trains before one ran her over. You know what they said ‘don't play with fire or you’ll get burned’. From what I understood her death was ‘completely painless’. I mean of course! Why would getting shredded by a 10 ton train hurt? Add on 41 more therapy sessions.

Two years have gone by and my life is still a mess. I don't even know what or who to blame anymore. The eating disorder? The drinking? The drugs? The way everyone and everything changes in high school? I don’t know. But some people say they feel bad for Jessy and Marie.

I don’t. I mean lets be honest. For Jessica and Marie there aren't any therapy sessions, any screaming matches with your parents, any weird stares when I walked past someone from school. For them, theres just resting in peace. Well Jessica’s resting in pieces, but still the same thing. For them theres just smoking and drinking in the clouds.

I wipe my eyes and stand up. I look at the two mini graves that I made for my babies. I lit the candles and watched the flames dance for the light breeze.I sighed and smiled. The memories will always be memories. I walked through the tall stalks and let a couple more tears fall. Let the past rest. Today I'll start my future.