A Taste of Reality
As tears of terror began to stream down my face, I just kept my mind busy with the thought of what I needed to do.  He would be home soon; I knew I didn’t have much time. Quickly and quietly I slipped out the door like a spy would on a mission. I had my baby in my right hand and my small bag of belongings in my left.  The door slammed shut on my way out and I took one last look at the old s***hole that I called my “home” for 3 years and happily walked off into the distance. It was finally time to start something new and I promised my baby boy, Emilio, a better life. I had to stick to that promise. I had just turned the corner when suddenly, I heard him.
“Ramona Natalia Sanchez, you cannot leave me,” screamed the man of my nightmares.
I decided not to respond. He has controlled me for too long; enough is enough.  I made a run for it and eventually, he stopped following me.  I had to do this, not only for my son, but for me as well. Emilio started to cry so I reached into my bag and gave him my plastic baby rattle my mother gave me once long ago. It had an intricate design on the handle of it with purple flowers on the top part. I carefully handed the fragile toy to my baby boy. I made sure to watch him as he shook it around because it is really all I have left of my mother. I could never lose it; I cherish that rattle with all my heart. As Emilio quietly giggled in my arms, we ran off into the night in hopes of a better life.
“Ma’am this is the end of the bus route. It is time for you to get off,” the man murmured.  As I woke up, I was a little disoriented. Where was I? I began to realize that the night I had just experienced was not a dream. All the screams, tears, and running for dear life became reality.  I looked down at baby Emilio who was sleeping so soundly and began to look around me as well. I stumbled off the bus and gave the driver a couple coins I had exchanged with someone back in Mexico in order to get across the border. I looked around me and noticed all the tall buildings and street traffic. The air was filled with pollution and smelled of fried food and car exhausts. Welcome to Manhattan, New York was written in bold letters on a sign just to the right of me. I smiled and cried tears of joy when I realized I had made it. We had made it. I began to feel hopeful and thought maybe I did the right thing and that just maybe, Emilio and I were safe.
I decided to walk around and familiarize myself with this foreign area. I noticed how different people and places were. I heard chattering among people of all different ages, races, and genders. Some were on the phone; some were yelling at one another; some were just simply holding a casual conversation. I was sure glad I had decided to take those English courses back in Mexico. Otherwise, I would be completely lost. I also began to notice all of the taxis honking at each other. The pedestrians were trying to quickly make their way across the street without being demolished by an impatient driver. The culture was so different in New York that I felt as if I were from a different planet. On second thought, I had better get used to it because this was going to be my new home, hopefully.
Night approached and it became very chilly. I realized I didn’t have any warm clothing for myself or Emilio. With nowhere to go and not enough money to purchase proper clothing, reality struck. I had found a laundromat and decided that’s where we would sleep for the night and then I would figure it out from there. The next morning, I breast fed Emilio and realized that I needed to eat too. I looked in my bag and had a few dollars left. I went to a local diner and ate a little something. I looked in my bag and noticed I had no money left. When I noticed this, an uneasy feeling overwhelmed my body. I can’t take care of Emilio, not like this. Sadly, I came to the conclusion that this so called fairytale ending was nothing more than a delusion of mine. I picked up Emilio and began to look for the nearest orphanage. Sometimes in life, you just have to put others before yourself even if it means you will be unhappy in the end.
“Excuse me ma’am, would you please fill out this survey for me?”  a woman exclaimed.
I was lost in my thoughts and was caught off guard by this. She energetically forced the paper and pen in my face and I just froze. Would she find out my secret? “Do I have fill this is out?” With sweat dripping down my face, I nervously gripped the pen. I looked at the survey while clenching my jaw as I read the questions. No, I couldn’t answer these. She would find out and I would be sent right back to where I came from. I decided to stall.
“What is the purpose of this survey?” I nervously mumbled.
“Oh, just to give us an idea of the population in this area,” the woman exclaimed.
I began to relax as she stated this. I thought I was toast for a moment there. People in my country don’t do this type of thing so I wasn’t sure what this was all about. I decided to fill the survey out and lied about everything. She happily thanked me and cheerfully walked away while waving at Emilio in some sort of childish way. I was glad to continue on my way. After that, I began to try to relax and act as if I really did fit in here so people wouldn’t wonder. Not that anyone in New York really cares about a 5’2” woman with a baby walking on the street. Even though I knew that, I still was on edge that everyone somehow knew my secret. I kept walking and tried to be confident with each stride.
Finally, I came across the place I had dreaded looking at since the moment I decided to come to it-- the orphanage. As I began to shuffle up the stairs, I looked down at Emilio and sighed. I knew this was the best thing for him but how could I bring myself to do this? Then I came back out of my daze and thought to myself, “I can’t just walk in there, I’m illegal.” Sitting down on the third stare from the sidewalk, I wept. “Now what?” I thought. Emilio was looking at me with his big brown eyes with a smile on his face. At first I began to smile back and then had a morbid thought. Those piercing eyes of his would remind me of my past every time I looked at them. Then I thought, “How selfish of me.” It isn’t Emilio’s fault he has the eyes of his despicable father. Maybe I could raise him on my own. No; that is yet another delusion of mine. Emilio deserves better than me. He needs education, a good home, and loving family. This is something I could never provide him with.  Besides, even if I did keep him, he would find us. I can’t risk what my ex would do. He gets very violent when he is mad. If he found us, I don’t think we would have gotten so lucky trying to escape the second time around. I knew at this point that keeping baby Emilio was no longer an option I could even toy with. I just wish that things were different. I needed to make a decision sooner rather than later because if someone saw me here, they would question me and I would be in an even worse situation than I am now.
With tears filling my eyes, I made my decision. If I just left baby
Emilio there, they would have to take him. With no background information, they had no way of knowing where he was from. I carefully wrapped him in his baby blanket that had the name Emilio stitched to the bottom of it with baby blue letters on a soft white blanket. I suddenly felt so hopeless. I then decided to take out my rattle that meant so much to me. Putting the rattle down next to Emilio made me realize he needed it more. I had held on to that silly object for too long. Thinking it would always bring hope of a new life when merely it was nothing more than just a toy. Nothing worth keeping; Emilio could benefit more from it anyways. Giving him one last kiss goodbye, I set him up near the door and slowly turned to walk away.
Even though I knew it was the right thing to do, sorrow weighed down my heart and would for many years to come. Sometimes I wonder why bad things happen to good people in life. That is a question that will remain unanswered for as long as I live. I’ve come to the conclusion that no matter what you do or how hard you try, things don’t always go the way you want. All I knew was Emilio was now in good hands where nobody can hurt him. With that, I wiped the tears from my face and set off into the distance.