It all started...I began to write in my diary, It all started when my life started to slowly unravel. I went from being on top of the charts, to rock bottom, to where my own fans turned their backs on me. Even my own record label was pressuring  me to make something, ‘different’, something the audience would want more. I was already torn from hitting rock bottom, but it only got worse when the people I thought I could turn to, just turned their backs on me, so I turned to something else, something I thought could help me more than anyone else at the time. This, is the story of how I went from a young successful musician, with a perfect life, to a wasted druggy, killing myself slowly.

I sighed as I walked through the door, the new album wasn’t a success. The long time fans hated it, and critics were even worse bringing up the sad excuse for an album. I was so torn, I didn’t know what I did wrong. I slumped down on the couch, and just sat in silence, staring at the wall, as my my mind raced with reasons why so many people hated it. My career as a musician had been falling for awhile, but I never would even dream that so many people turned their back on me, for one’“sucky’ album, so quickly.

I was so torn, and lost in my train of thought, I didn’t even notice my girlfriend, Abbey, had snuck up behind me. She sat beside me and rubbed my back softly, “Le.” She began, using my nick-name, “What's wrong honey?” she asked, even though we both knew she knew exactly what was wrong, it was impossible to not hear the news, “big time musician releases yet another flop!” was written all over the internet.

I rubbed my eyes, and tried to break myself from my trance, as she ran her ran through my dark brown hair, she knew this normally worked to calm me down, “Nothing, it’s just, I never could imagine so many people would hate this album so much, you know? I poured my guts into it, working on it for days, months even. When my last album failed, I thought I knew what I needed to work on for this time, I thought I learnt from my mistakes. Supposedly not….” A frown emerged onto her face.

“I know Leo, I know you worked so hard on this album, but you can’t let critics and hateful comments get to you, you just have to keep pushing on, and try harder.” Try harder? I thought to myself. So even my own girlfriend believed I should’ve “worked harder” on this album? Out of all people, I thought she’d be the one to know how much time, and emotions I poured into this. I shrugged her hand off my shoulder.

“I just want to be alone right now.” I said in a stern, cold voice. Abbey just sighed and stood up, and trailed back off upstairs, without another word. Leaving me, and my thoughts alone.

Weeks went by, and Abbey and I didn’t communicate too much, but when we did, it often ended in fights. I was so emotionally torn, I felt like I was hurting the person I loved most, all just because my self pity, over some stupid critics, and people’s opinions, but I always just ended up snapping, it was like I couldn’t control myself. I was lucky to have someone like Abbey though. Even though she was hurt, and would get very upset with me, she understood I was going through a hard time, and still tried her best to help me. But after weeks, and months, I slowly started to fall into depression, something Abbey wasn’t capable to help me out of.

I had always been a drinker. Drinking at parties, or having a little wine on dates, or just a lazy day at home, but my drinking became heavy, and I was going through, cans, and bottles daily. Abbey tried to stop me. She threw out any alcoholic beverage I’d bring home, and always tried to talk me out of going out and drinking. At first, it worked a couple times, but by this point, I was so high up in self pity, I never tried to hear her out anymore. I’d only push her out of my way, and head to another bar with friends, who I knew never really cared about me.

It wasn’t long before the beer wasn’t enough anymore. By now, I was huffing, and shooting up anything I could get my hands on. I was a mess, and I knew it, but yet again, I was to caught up in self pity. I knew it was pathetic that I let some rude remarks, and hate on one thing, ruin my entire life. Of course I knew it wasn’t entirely their fault, but I was so angered, I couldn’t help but to blame every fan, and critic for my addictions, and problems.

Abbey started, to stop putting up with my crazy acts. She no longer tried to stop me from going out, and getting higher than the empire state. Even though I only ignored her, and pushed her away, I still felt there was something missing when she stopped caring. I knew I had done her wrong, but anytime I’d try to apologize, she’d just say if I was truly sorry, I’d stop. But it wasn’t only Abbey who gave up on me. My fans seemed too as well. They all just saw me as some talentless one hit wonder, that didn’t care about anything, or anyone. Of course some stayed, or tried to leave supportive messages, but it was no use.

One morning, as I was in our shared kitchen, sipping on whatever I had managed to brew up this early in the morning, Abbey crept up behind me. I gave her a slight smile, begging for at least just a little grin back. Nothing. Just a glare, “Leo..” Abbey started. I immediately rolled my eyes, thinking this was going to be another lecture about my drinking, but I was so, so wrong, for it was much worse, “Leo, I can’t do this anymore, you’ve treated me with no respect, and you’re so caught up with yourself, you don’t even care about how negatively you’re affecting me. I can’t even begin to tell you how much you’ve put me through, so I don’t even care telling you, I’m with someone else now, someone whose going to treat me, and this baby with more love, and respect then you’ll ever be able to.”

My heart dropped, “What baby?!” I said in a raging voice. Abbey just stood there with her arms crossed, “You’re too much of a drunken idiot to realize you’ve got a child on the way.” My heart dropped. She was pregnant this whole time, and I didn’t have enough brain cells left to care, or see. Now that I was actually paying attention, it was very obvious the young lady was in her later stages, I had no clue how far along she actually was. Getting this news broke my heart like no other, because now, I had no time to make up for my mistakes, she had already moved on under my nose.

“I was going to tell you the day of your albums release, but I could tell it wasn’t the time, so I waited, and waited, but you just kept drinking, and drinking. So now, I’m telling you like this.”  I didn’t understand why she wouldn’t tell me I had a child on the way, this news probably would’ve cheered me up if I had gotten it at a better time, without the other news trailing behind it.

“Oh, god, Abbey, I’m so sorry, I-I-” I was cut off abruptly, “I don’t care Leo, you'll never get to see this child a day in your wasted life anyways, and that goes for me as well, unless you care enough to straighten yourself out for our child.” Abbey turned, and was about to head back upstairs, but before she could slip away, I grabbed her arm.

“Abbey you can’t keep my child away from me, I promise I’ll sober up.” I said in a serious tone, but Abbey’s expression never changed. She didn’t believe me. She just pulled her arm away, and headed up the stairs, without another word.

She headed back down moments later with some of her luggages and beloved belongings. Making it clear, that she had already packed. I couldn’t help but to break down into a silent weep as I watched the love of my life, go out the door, for what I thought was the very last time.

After Abbey left me, I had gotten even worse. She was the only thing keeping me from completely just overdosing and slipping away from reality for eternity. There wasn’t a minute of my day where I was sober. But there was no one around to care, so it never mattered. Every once in awhile I’d think about my unborn child, just the thought always gave me hope, and made me want to sober up, but it was so much harder than anyone sober could ever imagine, especially since the child wasn’t even here for me to see. But I wanted my child, and I knew I had to get better. What made matters worse, is that now this had made the headlines, everyone knew I was a sh*t father, and a no good druggy. But I wanted to prove everyone wrong. Abbey, My unborn child, the critics, and that gave me strength.

It wasn’t long before I built up the strength to get better. Even though my life was so chaotic right now, I was already so thankful for this unborn child. He, or she, had gave me so much strength, strength I hadn’t had in years.

After the child was born, Abbey called me. I knew she didn’t have it in her to just never speak to me again, or give me another chance. She told me we had a little girl, and we decided on the name Angel, together. I had been sober for 2 months. I told Abbey, and she couldn’t believe it. She came over to visit, a couple weeks after Angel’s birth, without her of course. She looked around the house, and “inspected” me for a couple hours. After our time together, she actually seemed to believe me.

“Leo, I’m so proud of you..” She pulled me into a big bear hug. I felt myself melt into her arms, I so badly wished she was mine again, but I knew none of this was her fault.

I felt so many emotions right in that second. I was happy, because I had finally accomplished something besides just surviving, and I finally had Abbey back in my life, and now, maybe my sweet little girl, Angel. But I was also sad, because I knew deep down it wouldn’t last, and I knew Abbey was no longer mine, she now was engaged with another man, and I was torn.

I hugged her back and decided to just enjoy the moment. A big grin came to my face. This is the moment I had waited for, for so many months, I couldn’t ponder on the thought of her not being mine anymore.I nodded eagerly.

We both drove to Abbey’s new flat, and she lead me inside. I couldn’t lie, my heart hurt looking at how much she had moved on, yet I’ve barely made it anywhere. But I couldn’t let it get ot me now, I was about to see my little girl. Abbey’s new lover wasn’t here at the time, so I was welcomed into the small home. Abbey lead me into the small, cozy nursery. In there lied my sweet little Angel.

My heart fluttered, I couldn’t believe my eyes. Right in that moment, I truly realized sobering up was worth it in this moment. Abbey went over and gently picked up the fragile girl, “Would you like to hold her?”

“Of course”m I said, with a big grin on my face.

Months went by, and I visited Abbey and Angel almost every weekend. By now, Abbey trusted me enough to let Angel stay with me every other weekend, and Wednesday. It was fun, I loved spending time with Angel, she was the only person I really had in my life, the only person I cared about.

A couple years went by, and I started slipping through the same holes as before. I knew I should’ve felt happy. I had Angel, and that's all I needed. But the days she wasn’t here, I started drinking again, and slowly, I started drinking even when she was here. Of course she was too young to know what was happening, but I still felt horrible drinking in front of my innocent child.

One day, Abbey came over to pay me a visit. I welcomed her in, and tried to hide the beads of sweat that were forming on my forehead. I knew what this was going to be about. We both sat across one another at the kitchen table, “Leo, I know you’re drinking, and if you want to keep our little girl around, you’re going to have to stop. I was so happy when I found out you sobered up, but you’re too much of a hard head to realize when you have it good, and you went back to your old habits. I don’t want my child around any drunk, or druggy.”

I just leaned back and sighed, “I’ll stop, Ab.” I said, using her pet name, trying to lighten the situation. She just sighed and got up.

“ I won’t forgive you again, nor will Angel, sober up.” After her visit, I wasn’t allowed to see Angel for another couple weeks. I hated every moment of it. It was just a little beer, and the girl was only 3, it’s not like it would’ve affected her that bad.  One night, out of these weeks, I ended up back with the same people, that lead me into getting addicted to the drugs that ruined my life.

That night, I got back on them. I thought I was strong enough. I’ve overcome it once, I’m sure one little try again, won’t hurt me, and I won’t get addicted. I was wrong, and I would regret this night for the rest of my life.

By now I wasn’t drinking anymore, but using worse drugs. But with these, I could hide it more easily. Angel wouldn’t see me carrying around a big bottle anymore. Abbey came back over for another visit, and decided I was sober, and could see her again. I don’t know why, but for some reason, I felt like this was better news, than the first time. Maybe it was because I got both the things I wanted?

Angel came over that next weekend. I had completely forgot she was coming though, and my buddies and I were out all night. Snorting who knows what, in god knows where.  Abbey just dropped her off and left, and it was just left with the two of us. Since I wasn’t in the right mind space, I decided to take angel with me, on a “boys night out”.

Angel was crying the entire time, saying she wanted to go home, and that she was tired. This was the worst part of having her around. Yes, I loved her, but when it came down to it, she still was a needy toddler. After I drank a couple drinks, I decided to save my fellow friends ears, and take the young girl home.

Once we got there, I just sat her down in the doorway, and stumbled upstairs. Once I had made it to my room, I just looked back at the girl once, then passed out. I don’t remember much after that. I just remember after hours went by, I woke up in the same place as before. The cold, hard ground. I didn’t want to be here.

I got up and my head felt like someone had repeatedly hit me with a baseball bat. I rubbed my head and groaned. Then it all hit me again. Angel was here. My eyes widened, and I ran downstairs, to see Angel perfectly asleep on the couch. I smiled and tip-toed over to her. I scooped her up, and carried her to bed. I felt so bad for just leaving her, but I was drunk out of my mind. If I had even attempted to carry her up these steps last night, her and I both would probably end up in the ER.

Abbey came to pick Angel up that night, but I couldn’t help but to feel worried. She’d probably tell her mother about how I passed out, and how she had to sleep on the couch. Of course she didn’t know what was happening, or what she was saying, so she’d tell her mother anything, so I knew not to train her to lie, because she’d most likely tell her that too.

I was right. Later that night I got a call. I answered and just sat there in silence as Abbey barked at me on the other end. The only thing I got out of her words though, was, “You’re never going to see her again you sick-” I figured this was going to happen, and I knew it was my fault. I sat there and listened for a bit longer, then hung up, without saying a word.

That night I went out with my buddies again. That night I continued my horrible habits. I knew by this point, I was going to end up dying. I decided to see Angel for one last time. I went over to Abbey’s house, and knocked on the door lightly.

When the door opened up, It wasn't just Abbey, it was Abbey and her newly wedded husband, “What the h*ll do you want?” He asked, as he held Abbey close to him. I cleared my throat, and kept my eyes on the ground.

“I’m sorry to bother you guys, but I wish to see my Angel one last time. I know I have screwed up, and I know its all my fault. But I’d like to see her one last time, and tell her I love her.” The couple looked at one another, then back at me, “why would we want our little girl around some dumb druggy who doesn’t care about her?” My heart dropped. Their little girl. That was Abbey and I’s little girl, not this mans.

“Well, it's not just for me, Angel will be heartbroken if I don’t say goodbye one last time.” The couple exchanged glances again.

“Fine, but only a few seconds. “ They parted ways, and lead me into her room, then stayed, watching in the doorway.

“Do you mind if we have a quick minute alone on the balcony, you can still watch from in here.” The couple rolled their eyes,.

“Fine, but hurry up, we don’t want a druggy in our house.” I nodded, ignoring their remarks and took Angel onto the balcony, and shut the slide door. I looked back at Abbey, then back to Angel, a million thoughts racing through my mind. Should I do it?  Without taking another minute to think, I sat Angel down on the the balcony railing, then pushed her off. As soon after I did the horrible act I Regretted it, and screamed, and tried to grab her, but gravity was too fast. Abbey, and her husbnd had now ran outside, and were screaming, and crying. Abbey ran out of the house, and went out of the apartment building to go look for her child. While her husband, started pounding his fist into my face, and attempting to push me off the balcony as well. I knew I deserved it, but I still fought back, even though now, I had no longer had a reason to live.

After a while the cops arrived, and I was thrown into the cop car, and locked away never to be seen again, by the public eye. I regretted what I did so much, there wasn’t a day that went by when I didn’t think of my child. She would’ve been 15 today, if only I hadn’t done her wrong. Looking back on my life, I realized how good I had it before I let drugs take over. I had a  girlfriend that loved me and cared for me, money, from prior success, and after sometime, my very own child. Now, I was waist deep in sadness, and hatred. Still to this day, I can’t believe I was pathetic enough, to let a couple harsh words push me to such a an insane, psychotic point. I am now about to take my own life, but if there is one last thing I can leave behind, I want everyone to learn from my story, and my mistakes. I never expected to turn into some useless druggy, and murderer, but it can happen to anyone at any given time. Don’t ever think. “That's not me” because I once was on the top as well.