The breeze was slightly chilly but comfortable. We walked along the edge of the lake, the picture perfect blue lake water was almost still. The birds were singing with the wind. My brother and I looked similar even though we were two years apart. His brown hair blew in the breeze as he smiled at me, he was always smiling. Logan was tall and thin, which makes him an outstanding basketball player and track runner. Logan got multiple athletic scholarship offers, he just can not choose where he wants to go. I am not going to have as many options as him. Logan has a certain style, he always wears colored shorts and tight t-shirts. Today he wore light blue shorts, a grey t-shirt, and white vans. We talked about school and our parents. I could trust him with anything. Logan was a talking diary. He always knew what to say to me, but never told another sole. Today, I happened to be telling him about my boy problems. I was telling Logan how my boyfriend treats me and how I am unhappy with it. I was telling him that I heard he has been talking to a few other girls. Logan always listened and he always knew how to to make me laugh.

“Katie, I dare you to jump in,” Logan laughed.

“Are you insane? The lake is so cold!” I giggled back. There was no way I was about to jump in the lake. It is about fifty degrees outside and the lake is even colder.

He grabbed me by my sides so fast and yelled; “Well in you go,” and just tossed me in the lake. There wasn’t even time to fight back, he threw me in so quickly.
“What the hell Logan!” I screamed from the water laughing. He was on the ground laughing and I began splashing him with water.

That is when I woke up. The fairytale ended and the real world started on fire. I started crying the moment I realized it was all a dream. I couldn’t get up from my bed, I couldn’t breathe. My lungs started to shrivel and my body was incapable of movement. Everything was surreal. My mind was going in circles as I started hyperventilating harder. I think I was screaming, I am not sure. I must have been because my Mom ran into my room and rushed over to me on my bed.

“Baby, shh calm down. Just breathe. I am here sweetheart. I am here,” my Mother was holding me tight and rubbing my head as I cried in her arms. I felt a few of her tears drip onto my forehead. She is used to this, my Mom, Dad, and I all go through these feeling far too often. Every moment of everyday feels like a piece of me is missing.

“I want him back! Mom! Bring him back!” I kept choking back tears and my cries just got louder. My mom laid me down and we both cried together. She rubbed my head as we laid in my bed together. Neither of us got any more sleep, but she stayed with me the rest of the night. It is comforting knowing that I am not alone in all of this, I hope my Mom knows she is not alone either. I laid in my bed thinking for the duration of the night and I am pretty sure my Mother did the same.

This type of thing has been happening every night since Logan died. It has been exactly three months and ten days since the police knocked on my door. I heard the knocking on December twelfth at about midnight. I heard my house door open. I walked down the stairs and stood behind my mother. It was police at the door, I was completely confused. They asked if she was the parent of Logan Swanson and she replied yes, then asked if everything was okay. That is when the two officers explained there had been an accident. At this point my Father was down stairs. I was crying with my head between my knees sitting on the stairs. My Father was holding my Mother. No one could believe what the officers were saying.  The officers explained that he had gotten into a car with his friend that had been drinking and the intoxicated driver ran a red light.

The officers drove us to the hospital where Logan had been declared dead. Neither of my parents were in a driveable state. At the hospital the doctor explained to my parents that Logan did not have any alcohol in his system. The doctor explained that Logan had died from the impact of going threw the windshield due the the fact he was not buckled. The doctor explained that he had died instantly and that he was unresponsive when the ambulance arrived to the crash. He was declared dead at 11:36pm.

My mother and I laid in bed that morning until about 8:00 am. I rolled out of bed and walked to my closet. I had a whole half of my closet filled with my favorite things of Logan’s. I wear his clothes often because it helps make it feel like he is still here with me. I grabbed his grey t-shirt, the one that he was wearing in my dream. I slid it over my head and put my hair in a bun quickly.

“I am going to his grave,” I said as I walked out of my room. My Mom was still laying on my bed.

“Drive safe. Text me when you get there,” said my Mother with a somber face.

I got my license just a week before Logan’s accident. The only place I have driven to since he has died is his grave.

In the car I do not play music but I have the windows rolled all the way down. The wind hitting my face calms me. Half of my focus is on my thoughts and the other half is in the road. When I arrive to the cemetery I grab my notebook out of the glove compartment. Everyday I come to the cemetery and I sit next to his grave and write to him. I tell him about my days, the people in my life, everything going on at home. I write to him everything that I want to tell him in person.  Once I fill the notebook, I plan to bury it next to him so he can read it at any time.

3/22/18

Logan,

Everyday is getting harder with you gone. I miss being able to hug you and fight with you. I wish that we could argue about who gets to use the car and argue about who has to take out the garbage. Your suppose to be graduating high school in two months and I’m supposed to be excited to steal your room when you go to college. But instead I have to go to school the rest of the year by myself even though your supposed to still be here. Last night I had a dream you threw me into the lake by our house like you did last summer. I woke up crying because I wanted it to be real. I love when you are in my dreams, but I hate waking up. I want you to be able to throw me in a lake. I want you to be able to steal my money and get yourself Taco Bell. I know you are not physically here with me, but you are with me everyday. Logan you will always be my best friend. Although it was a rough night for me, I am going to make it a good day.

Love you always and forever,

Katie