April 2019    

“What is it taking so long“ she screams. She feels embarrassed. She doesn’t realize she said it out loud. Finally, the coffee machine starts working and she calms down. She doesn’t like when things take so long. I quickly take note of that. I have to get out of here before she notices my presence. I don’t want that to happen. Not yet. It took me so long to know almost everything about her; it would be foolish if she noticed me now. 

I love the weather of this city. Boston is awesome. It’s a  living city. Even if winter is not here yet, I like the fall. It’s ok. Sometimes it can be noisy, and some alleys don’t have the best smell. But it’s a great place to live. Not a lot of people acknowledge the place that is surrounding them. So absorbed in themselves. I can’t stand selfish people. 

After 3 buses and a long walk I get to my house. I’m renting this house because I can’t risk to live close to her. I would love to. It would make my life so much easier. Imagine just living in the same apartment building. I would take notes of her all day long and go to my apartment and wouldn’t waste so much time on the buses. But it's worth it. That’s what love is all about right? Sacrificing your own life for the other person. 

I have to admit that it hasn’t been easy to get where I am right now. I had to change where I worked, where I lived, what park I went to, everything. I even had to quit smoking my cigarettes because I once overheard the conversation she had with her girlfriends. She said smoking it’s gross. I don’t think is gross. Or at least I didn’t. 

I think tomorrow is the day. I’m going to finally do it. Everything has to be perfect. Nothing can go wrong. Nothing will. 

Every morning I review my notes. Today, I don’t have time for that. I have to be there when she arrives. She always goes to this cafe in the mornings. It’s the only good coffee she gets during her whole day along with scrambled eggs and one sausage. The rest of them they are just coffees of machines. I’m going to get there at the same time she always does. 8:04am. 

I see her parking. She gets out of the car. She is as beautiful as always. But I think she will have to change her hair color once we start dating. My mom doesn’t like blondes very much. I stop pretending that I'm tying my shoes before she can see my face. Once she passes my I get up. I hold the cafe’s door for her and she thanks me. This is a big moment. It’s the first time she ever sees me. I hope I made a good impression. I am wearing a suit. I know she likes men with suites. My shoes are impeccably clean and I left my beard wrong for the last few months. Just like she likes men. 

“A black coffee with scrambled eggs and a sausage please” we say at the same time. I noted a long time ago that Amber always orders her breakfast in the exact same order of words. I can feel her looking at me. I am so nervous inside. I can’t hold it together. But my presence is transmitting a confident businessman. That look she gives me was the look I was waiting for. She looks at me with curious eyes. I know I gave her a good impression. Now I have to wait. I can’t rush things. Not after what it took me to get here. No. 

June, 1997

I don’t know why my mom doesn’t want me playing with other kids. I’m only 7. I should be having fun with my friends. I can’t though. My mom says that I am better with her at home . But most of the time she is at home she is sleeping. That’s her routine. She gets up, gets a drink, watch TV, gets a drink, yell at me, gets a drink,... 

March 1998

I love her. I know she knows best. If my mom says I should stay away from women I should. I hate women. Not all. I don’t hate my mom. She is not like others. She hasn’t let me down like Claire, or Madison. Those bitches don’t know nothing. That’s what my mom says. I should listen to her and not go out with other women. Not until my mom allows me. 

September 2006

She is gone. I knew this was going to happen. My mom had died from an overdose of alcohol. She already told me about this day. I let her die. I know this is what she wanted. She used to tell me “Tom when I die I don’t want you to suffer. Just move on. I know you can honey.” 

Now I can love a woman. I can do it. I am ready. Now that my mom is not around I have to. I should not live alone. If i ever love a woman I will feel like I am betraying her. I shouldn’t. She told me that I should never love a woman but her. But I feel empty I can’t continue a life all by myself. I don’t know how to do that. I am going to find a woman that my mom would like.

January 2017

It’s been hard. But I finally found her. Amber. She is perfect. Just like my mom. Now all I have to do is to find everything about her. From where she works to what toothpaste she uses. 

March 2019

It has been hard. 3 years has taken to find everything about her. And not only that. I had to make sure that her boyfriend disappeared. Killing people is actually easier than what it looks like. But you gotta be smart. Like my mom was. 

I knew he didn’t have a car. And always uber after his worked. Well, I was his uber driver once- with a stolen car and a different profile of course-. I’m not stupid. I offered him a cookie. His favourite one. But with some poison on it. He ate it all. After a couple minutes he choked and died. I drove all the way to the Colorado Desert and used gasoline to burn him. I know my mom would be proud.  

April 2019

I know I made a good impression at the cafe. Now it’s only a matter of time. I know she is the one. I am going to be very careful. She is going to fall in love with me. She has to. After all why wouldn’t she? But above all I want to make my mom proud. She would hate Amber I know. But I need someone. And I know she will do everything I want. She owns me that. It’s not like finding out everything about a person is easy.  After all I know all of her weaknesses. Just like mom knew mine. 

September 2019

I love her. She is just how I expected to be. Even though there are some things my mom  wouldn’t like about her I will make sure she changes those things. She doesn’t know about the fact that I have known her for years and that I chose her. She thinks our thing is some kind of destiny. My mom is right. People don’t know that love is not something you get. Is something you have to look for, fight for and sacrifice your life for.