Watching the waves crash into one another as the new year rolled around reminded me of home. Listening to “Memories” by Maroon 5 always made me get in my feelings. Moving almost 3,000 miles away to California  for college was hard since my family wasn’t around. What I learned around them and from them is all I know, all I am used to. On New Year's Day we would go to church or have a small family get together where everyone was eating, dancing, singing, and talking to and with each other. 

“Hey” I heard from a distance, recognizing the voice of my best friend.

“Hey, what are you doing here” I said trying to sound more cheerful, while wiping off the tears.

“Don’t act like I didn’t see that, you know very much that I did” she said seriously.

Charisma and I have been best friends for five years  and it honestly feels like I’ve known her all my life. We have told each other almost everything. We have cried together, laughed with each other, gone through break ups, and so many more magical moments for us. 

“You caught me, I can never hide anything from you.” I said to her. “Not even your christmas presents” I said playfully trying to change the subject .

“What’s wrong, Kat? You know you can tell me anything.” I could hear the sincerity in her voice. As she started saying “ You always have been, you just won’t.” I couldn’t hold in the tears anymore.

“ I, I can’t, I don’t want to burden you with my p-problems.” I could barely talk from the trembling in my voice. I stood up and walked up to the ocean, took my shoes off and put my feet inside the water. Maybe because I was raised in Massachusetts and I was always close to the ocean, it helps me calm down.

“When have you ever burdened me with your problems. Why won’t you let me in the same way I let you in. I know you have a harder time opening up than I do, but you have to try.” The pain in her voice only made me feel even worse than how I already did.

I couldn’t take it anymore, I know she’s my best friend and she might understand the reason I’m upset, there is always the chance that she may find the situation childish and small unlike me.

“I’m sorry I can’t stay here, I-I think I just need a walk to clear my head. See you at home whenever I get back.” I felt all these bottled emotions trying to come out. Ever since I was eleven I became a completely different person and learned how to not show my emotions as much as I once did.

I took out my phone and texted my childhood friend that had moved to California a year before me and asked him if I could go to his house or if we could meet up and he replied with “Yeah, sure, come over to my house”. After skating there for almost twenty minutes, I arrived and knocked on his door while looking at my shoes.

 “Hey, come on in.” I let out a sigh of relief after hearing his voice. My good friend Alexander, someone who knew me my whole life and knew why I seemed upset. 

“Let me guess, the thoughts and memories are coming back.” Alexander let out. I always felt comfortable talking to him about my situation since he was around when everything happened and was one of the only people who I considered friends back then that actually cared enough to ask me how I was doing.

“Y-yeah, they’re back just like every year around this time of the month.” I held in the tears as much as I could but one was able to escape and slid down my face.

“Come on, Katy don’t cry you know I hate seeing you like this.” He wipes the tear off my face and wraps me in a hug. Once he held me tight I let it all out

“Why can’t I just forget about this? Why is this engraved in my memories? I’ve had way to many good memories to continue letting this get to me.” I started shaking and let all the tears run down my face.

“Katy, you can’t keep letting this get to you like this. You have to just tell him how you feel.” He told me while his voice started breaking. I hated that he let my emotions get to him as well.

“Alex I can’t even tell Charisma the whole situation without either making a joke about it or wanting to cry and you know I hate feeling vulnerable with others apart from you and Iris, so how could I possibly tell him” I could hear the pain in my own voice when I brought up him up.

 I miss him so much, how could I not he’s my father and I know he misses me but, he has people that have become his family , he still has someone to celebrate with that are like family. Mami couldn’t get a plane ticket for herself and Kaiden, and it’s not like I could have bought them one with tuition. I haven’t seen them in two years and it hurts.

“Look Katy, you have to tell him and you have to forgive him, but for real this time don’t just say you did cuz you say that almost every year” He sounded more stern this time.

“Yeah well each year I think I’m going to be over it and I’m not.” I was getting angry now because even though he was there when everything happened, he has never experienced this.
“Then at least tell Charisma, she’s your best friend and she always tries to be there for you at this time of the year. All she knows is the basic stuff like everyone else.’ He had softened his voice.

“I know, I’m going to go home and tell her. She came to the beach today to check up on me and I just left her there.” I told him, while rethinking my decision of not telling her when we were still at the beach.

“Good, now go to her and text me if anything, okay, you know I’m here for you.” He smiled at me.

I looked at him “Thanks Alex, I’m glad I did decide to move here.” I walked out of his house after saying bye and skateboarding back home.Once I got there I walked up to Charisma’s room and knocked.

“Hey Julie do you need anything?” She asked. She never knew if it was me or Juliani knocking at her door.

“It’s me, can we talk.” I hoped she said yes, I knew she was probably annoyed with me for doing this again.

“ Yes! Come on in, we have to talk about this.” she said without hesitation.

I walked into her room and sat on the bed. All I could do was sit on her bed, I was trying to find the words to explain everything to her.

‘I told you the basic that my family found out that my dad cheated on my mom around this time, but everything happened so much more dramatic and hurtful than I sound. I joke here and there, but that’s only because I don’t want to talk about it. When we found out about it, my mom wanted my sisters and me to act like nothing happened and that she was gonna end up talking to him. My mom wasn’t even the one who found out it was my sister. When my mom confronted him about it everything changed in my house. They would fight almost every night and since he couldn’t find an apartment that quick, he took my room and I decided to sleep with my oldest sister or in the living room and to be honest I wouldn’t get that much sleep. I would stay up until it was time for my dad to go to work pretend I was sleeping when he would get out of the room.” I couldn’t hold back the tears anymore and just started crying as if I was back to being that eleven year old girl who’s life just fell apart.

“ After he would leave for work,” I took a deep breath, “I would have to get ready for school myself. I was always so tired and it affected my grades and Kaiden would ask for him and we would have to lie to him and my mom wasn’t taking care of herself as much as she would.” I choked up as she pulled me into a hug and she told me 

“ You know you don’t have to tell me more if your not ready” She comforted me even though it was rare for her to be comforted me as much as me to her.

“ No I do, you try every year to try to understand why I act and feel during December and the beginning of January.” I tried to compose myself as much as I could and started telling her again.

“ To cut it short umm…. The day he left I never got a chance to say goodbye to him and even though it wasn’t the last time I saw him it really hurt you know, he just up and left without any warning. So yeah that’s why I am upset and moody during this time of the month.”

I could see her trying to hold back the tears and we just stayed in that hug she gave me for almost half and hour.

“Wow I never understood how bad it was during that whole situation. I know you don’t open up like that usually so thank you for trusting me with this.” I heard her speak in such a soft and gentle tone.

“Thank you and I promise that I’ll try to open up more to you. I’m grateful I have you as a friend and sister.” I never felt more relieved to be vulnerable with someone.

“ I don’t know why we hugging but I’m gonna join.” Charisma and I turn our heads just to see Juliani at the door about to hug us. It was the only time Charisma let us do a group hug.

“ I love you guys.” I finally said. The rest of the night we just gossiped and played games. I can honestly say that I’ve never had better friends that were also family than I do now.