At lunch, Cat finds me and asks what the hell is going on. I tell her I got a reality check. Its weird, but she smiles. She asks if I’ve finally realised what a tool you are. I smile and say yup, I have. We skip into the canteen together. Dave is at our usual table. I smile at him as I make my way down to the table with my tray. He smiles back, but his eyes still look all sad. I am so close to the table, but, unfortunately, you stop me. You put your arm around my shoulders and guide me towards your table. Um, I don’t think so. I shake out of your grasp and hear the slagging you’re getting from your friends. I walk back to my table and sit down. I’m about to bite into my sandwich (ham, cheese, lettuce and extra mayo) when I feel eyes on me. I expect them to be yours, but in fact , they’re Dave’s. He’s looking at me all weird. I smile. He grins back at me. This time it reaches his eyes. He asks me how did I get you out of my system. He asks did I ‘do’ you over the summer or something. I politely tell him to bite me. Well, actually, my exact phrase was a bit more graphic. Dave still smiles. I’m glad we’re okay.

That evening, my phone rings. It’s you. You ask me to give you a chance. You say I don’t know you. You ask me not to judge. You’re making me feel guilty. I tell you to hold. I ring Cat. I ask her to name all the girls that you were with last year. I was seriously obsessed last year. Every girl you were with, me and Cat talked about it. Don’t ask why. I honestly don’t know. We even talked about the rumoured ones. She names them all and I write them down. I include the ‘we thinks and the maybes’. Because, most likely, you’ve done all of them at least twice anyway. I say bye to Cat. You’re still there. You go to say something but I stop you. I start naming every girl’s name on the list. Congratulations, its quite an achievement to have shifted that amount of girls. You try to say something. I tell you to shut up. Finally, I ask was there one of them that you haven’t done. You hesitate. For a seriously long time. Well, I suppose that’s my proof. You tell me that you’re a fun loving guy. You ask is that a crime. I say no its not, but harassment is. I hang up.