All right, so today’s topic is “taking over the world.” Now when you first think of that you think “Wow that is going to be so hard. Think of everything I’m going to have to do to take over the world?” And then you give up. In reality taking over the world isn’t hard at all. It is actually quite easy. It just takes time, a lot of time.
All right, so the first step is very easy. Be born. I know this seems kind of dumb. I mean come on “be born?” Already done that. You can put a big check mark on that step. Yes, I understand the readers reading this have already been born. You wouldn’t be reading this if you weren’t. But the first step to taking over the world is being born. People tend to skip this step when they write things. It is a useless step, but without this step you wouldn’t be alive to do any of the other steps. So I keep it and people who complain will just have to deal with it.
Now on to step two: Please, please finish school. That means elementary, middle, high school, and the appropriate years of college. Please, people, we don’t want an idiot ruling the world. It doesn’t go well with people and besides an uneducated person would not be able to rule the world. They would mess something up. Now go to school and get a degree. Make it something that isn’t an easy degree yet not a hard degree. You don’t want people to think you’re up to something.
Step three is very easy. Get a job in your degree. Hopefully you chose something related to business. If not, then you’re screwed. Go back to college and get a business degree. I know I said something about choosing an easy degree but you have to think of some of this stuff on your own. What did you think I was going to tell you? I’m not a book full of information. Oh, wait, I am…well sorry about not telling you. I won’t do that in the future. Anyway get a job in a business position.
Give yourself a pat on the back! You have made it to step four. Very good! Now get promotions. You need to get to the top of your business. I don’t care if it takes blood, sweat, or tears. You need to get to the highest position you can in that business and then get higher. It is the only way. You need power and being on top means power.
Once you’ve done that, you’re ready for step five. Make allies. Especially allies in high places. The higher they are the better. Become very good friends with them but do not ever get emotionally attached to anyone. This would be a mistake many of you will make and you will not be able to handle step six.
Step six is a more extreme step. You know how in step five I told you to make friends in high places? Yes, well this step is when those come in use. Trick those friends to writing you into their will where it states that everything goes to you and then simply get rid of them. I’m not going to go into details. Just do it. It’s the only way. Friends only complicate the whole taking over the world process. It is best to deal without friends.
Step seven: Run for president. What higher power is there other than that? It’s a rhetorical question. Now do everything possible to be voted into office. I mean everything possible! You do not want to wait until the next election. It will put you off your task and who knows, maybe someone else is trying to take over the world and they get elected. Then you’re stuck being their slave or whatever they plan to do with you.
This step right here is tricky. Trickier than step six and for some people, that is a tricky step. You need to somehow become a dictator. Whether you do that with your dashing good looks or your incredible smarts, I don’t care. Just become dictator and no, I won’t have a step by step process. Maybe later I might write one but now you’re on your own.
Step Nine might just be one of the more interesting steps. Try to get more countries to become your allies. Get China first. Once you have China and all the billions of people in the population, you will have a big enough army to fight the opposing countries. Also during your quest for world power you might want to take over your allies. Remember what I said in step five. Friends are never good. Look what happened to Julius Caesar. His best friend helped plot his murder. Now you don’t want that to happen to you, do you? Of course not, so get rid of your friends.
Step Ten is your last step. Be a nice supreme ruler, not too nice though. You don’t want people thinking you’re a push over and that they can overpower you. But don’t be too mean or people are going to revolt against you. So just be nice but not too nice.
And from there on, you’re on your own. Will you make a great ruler? I don’t know, but maybe one day we might find out.