“School had ended and it was snowing. I remember all of the kid’s giggling in the courtyard as they through snowballs at each other. She was really upset, she didn’t say anything but I could tell… it was written all over her face. She told me that she hated being told what to do. She hated that everyone thought they new what was best for her. She just wanted to prove that they didn’t have complete control. That’s all she really ever wanted, I guess.” That’s as far as I can go before the tears slowly start to seep from my bloodshot eyes and run down my cheeks. The sobs I try to hold back explode, and echo, the wave of sound seems to push people out of their own seats. Everyone in the audience looks taken aback. Someone tries to shuffle me from the podium, but I just push them away, “I’m not saying it’s anyone’s fault. If anything it’s mine. I should have seen it coming… I just couldn’t guess that it would blow so out of hand like that. It wasn’t supposed to happen like that. I should have known. It is not your fault,” I say again to the faces staring back at me. Some of them have the same pained expression as mine. I wipe the tears with the back of my hand. “I knew her. This isn’t what she would do. I guess that’s really all I have to say.” I try to compose my self, but don’t get anywhere close to succeeding, “rest in peace Megan.”
When the ceremony ends, everyone walks around mingling silently. I sink into my chair in the back row. Everyone is dressed in black and it makes me sad to look around. I close my stinging eyes for a moment. Her head stone says her name. I picked the font it was written in, her parents chose the head stone. We both took the price of her death. Her parents couldn’t stop crying. Since they found out I was sure neither had slept or eaten. Since her death, I couldn’t breathe. Every breathe I took hurt my chest with the weight of guilt. I open my eyes.
“Hey Samuel,” an old lady says and puts her hand onto my shoulder. I don’t move. I just look strait ahead of me. “Time heals all wounds.” I want to scream that it isn’t the same, that I’ll never forget the way her eyes twinkled when she looked at me, the way her eyes glowed with happiness, the way she tilted her head back slightly when she giggled at my jokes, the way she would let me run my fingers through her golden hair, the way her lips felt warm and soft against mine. The way…
“Okay,” I say and all I can manage before I have to stand. I run to the bathroom and spill my lunch into the restroom stall. Through the corner of my eye, I can see the old lady still looking at me, her eyes full of concern. All I can manage is to shake my head; I leave the stall and walk away from the funeral.
I have no where to go, no where to relieve the pain that’s built up in my chest. Don’t be such a sap. That’s what she would tell me. Grow a pair. That’s what she said to me the first time I tried to explain to her why I had fallen in love with her. She smiled after she said it though, like she meant it, but she still appreciated me saying it. I take a taxi to my crappy apartment, and pay the driver a two dollar tip, he scowls at me as I leave the car and shuffle up the stairs.
I put my wallet on the kitchen counter, and slip my belt from my belt loops and drop it on the couch. I lie on my bed and focus on breathing. I need to move on. That’s what everyone has been saying. Move on with your life for god sake. That’s how she would put it: blunt and precise, but it was filled with so much truth it didn’t matter how much rude tone was in those words. I didn’t care. How could I move on without her? You can do anything without me. I’m not an asset. You are an asset to me. Am not. You are. Well that’s to bad because I’m gone now… you just need to move on. I don’t want to move on. Why wouldn’t you? It’s not like any of this is your fault. That’s the thing… it is my fault; all of it is. You know that isn’t true. Megan. What. I wish I could have saved you. The small blood drop you left are still on my bathroom floor. Go wash them off then. But then everything about you will be gone. Good. That isn’t good! Yes, actually that is good; you need to start forgetting about me. Why’d you do it? I told you why I was going to do it, they didn’t have control over me, and they never did. I wanted them to know that now they never will. That’s crazy. I know it is. Why did you really do it? I just told you. No you haven’t. Tell me the real reason. Please.
I wake up on my couch. My mouth was open and now tastes like a spider crawled in it while I was sleeping and died. Megan is gone. She always will be.