I had been taking a math test when they called me down to the school office. Seeing my dad with frown lines on his forehead had completely taken me off guard. He told me that we needed to hurry and that there wasn’t a minute left to waste. What I didn’t know was that as every second ticked by my life was slipping away from me.
We ended up at the doctor’s office where they kept us waiting for hours. I asked Daddy so many questions, but to no avail, he never said a word. He repeatedly told me that he loved me, and that no matter what happened I would always be Daddy’s Little Girl.
The doctors decided it was finally time to talk so they filed in. All of these doctors were focused on one thing, me. They told me the blood test I had taken a week ago, as a part of my over due physical, hadn’t turned out quite like what they had expected. They said they saw something different in it, something that wasn’t supposed to be in there, and it wasn’t normal. I finally told them to just tell me what I needed to hear, instead of going around in circles. I could handle whatever they needed to tell me.
What I heard was something I didn’t want to believe. I tried so hard to deny that fact, but a fact is a fact, and there was no changing it. I had cancer. Blood cancer. I did the only thing I could manage doing at the moment, and that was cry. I felt like a baby again. Helpless and without the ability to get what I want exactly when I want it. All I could do was cry and hope that someone would eventually give the crying baby what she wanted. However, crying never solves any problems, so all that did to me was waste my energy, which would soon become very important to me.
Of course chemotherapy had to show up in this unbelievable story. My hair started falling out, and I was always vomiting. The doctors told me it wasn’t going to be that bad, they said it wasn’t going to be hard. The doctors lied! I know they wanted to keep me in a positive state of mind for as long as possible, but they didn’t have to be liars.
Anyway, it got better. There had to be a middle in this story so it got better. I was the ugliest person at school, but at least I went to school. Everybody tried to comfort me, but they didn’t understand, they weren’t me. They didn’t bend over the toilet all day, waiting for their insides to finally come out. My life was slipping out of my hands and all I could do was watch. I was in pain, and it nearly killed me. Physical or emotional? I don’t know. Whatever it was, the pain was tearing away everything left in me, and I couldn’t think straight anymore. I stayed in school for about two weeks, but then my chemo got harder and harder. I was nearly bed ridden. Going to the restroom became extremely difficult, and washing my hands became the high point of my day.
Months later, I found myself lying on the hospital bed waiting for death. I pleading and begging and asking God to take me. I didn’t understand why he didn’t want me. I was weak and my brain didn’t function correctly anymore. I was always confused and I wanted it all to stop. I hated answering any questions. They were still trying to keep me in a positive and happy place. I was fed up with everyone, and I hated talking to people. Why didn’t anyone understand?? No one could be in the condition that I was in.
I finally fell of the cliff. I closed my eyes and hoped for the best, this would be the last time they would open. When I awoke I was lying on a sheet of white clouds and everyone I knew was there, friend and enemies. I was in heaven, yet there was something eerie about everything there.
It was a miracle for Mom and a disaster for me. I was still alive on the hospital bed. And I was still in pain. “You still have time!” Mom said. “You’re going to make it now.” That was all I heard before the darkness yanked on me again, and this time I was FORCED to slip away. That’s when everything changed. I had been forced to do a lot of things lately, and now, I was going to fight. No one had controlled me for my whole life, and I wasn’t going to let something start now. No one ever came in my way, and I wouldn’t let them try. I was going to win this battle!