I feel as though everybody is searching for some one that wasn't there. Everybody is trying was to find that someone they want so dearly, someone whom the can have. And the more they try, the more that person slips away. Then they just left feeling sorry and defeated.
I feel as though its my fault. That the more I try to find that one person everyone is searching for, the more they want that person. That the more I try and play along with their wishes, the more they have of finding someone that is perfect for them. And when they don't find anybody, all that want and hope I built crashes harder than it should.
I feel as though I should be looking for someone of my own too. That I try should try to find some that makes me happy and brings me joy. That finding someone for me is the best thing to do. But when I try looking, there's nothing to find.
There's nothing to even search for, nothing to even peek at. Everywhere I search is empty, everything I look at disappears, and everyone I see is nothing but shadows. The world is black and white, searching for a color seems pointless. Then I give up.
Someone should be so easy to find, I know, especially for me. I have been many people for many different reasons, yet I can never find one who is for me, a purpose for me to live. A purpose to start a new life and live to my fullest. I can't be the best friend with all the answer to all of those normal people problems, I can't be a partner who does everything right ad understands my others feelings, I can't be the perfect child who excels in knowledge and obeys without complaint, and I can't be myself for I don't know who I am.
I wonder aimlessly, trying to be everything for everyone else and being nothing behind all the colorful masks I wear. Everything feels dream like, hazy and surreal. Everybody I meet re-meet seem to be a distant memory from the past. Everything I hear is soft and sounds like a hum. I feel like and empty body who takes orders from everyone,I feel like a robot.
Within in my world of nothingness and emptiness, of black and white, and flick of comes. It not much but its something, something to focus on, something of hope.
Days past and the light changes, not much, just a tint of color. Weeks past and the light changes, not much, just a shimmer of sparkles. Months past and the light changes, not much, just a brightness of gleam. Years past and the light changes, not much, just a shred of a reason.
As the years past I spend all my attention on this flicker of light. I didn't have time to play any part or any character in anyone else's life. I stopped pretending to be things I'm not. I forgot to search for a person to be. I put all my attention into that light, wondering why it was in a world so dull and plain, why it was in my world.
The light was so odd and tiny. The light made the strangest sounds. The light cried whenever it was tired or hungry or was sitting in its own disposal. The light smiled and laugh a sweet bell sound. The light gave me something I never had, it gave me feeling. I felt joy from something new,I felt happiness from something different and exciting, I felt sorrow from something wonderful in a place dread, I felt hope from the lights growth.
I watched and the light grew inside my colorless and dark world. It grew in size and color, a perfect rainbow. I loved the light. I didn't want to let it go and I didn't anyone to have my light. My light. That's what I'm going to call it from now on.
My light walks and runs and jumps now. My light mumbles and whispers and talks now.My light snaps and complaints and argues. My light whimpers and whines and crys. My light giggles and chuckles and laughs. My light is still small but growing and learning. My light is unaware of our world but jokes and plays.
My light is mine.
I smile now, I sometimes even laugh all for myself. I talk for myself now and say what I want to say. I do things for myself now and do things I want to do. I don't pretend anymore and act for myself. I am a person now and I be who I want.
Who am I? That questioned seemed so difficult to answer years before but now I know. I am Nessa Tanks. I am the protect of my light. I am the defender of my light. I am the savor of my light. I am the big sister of Anna Tanks.
Anna Tanks is my new life. She is the reason I live. Anna Tanks is my light.