I didn’t want a perfect love. That wasn’t what I asked for. I didn’t think that every moment would be a walk in the park or that we would never argue or fight. I never thought that. I assumed that all of those things walked hand in hand with being in a relationship with someone.
We would argue.
And fight.
And cry.
And hurt.
And...it wouldn’t be perfect. Because love isn’t about be happy all of the time, it’s about being happy most of the time. Because love isn’t regretting old memories, it’s making new ones. Because love isn’t about smiling and laughing, it’s about the tears and the pain and what comes after that.
So I never really thought it would be perfect.
…But I thought it’d be pretty close.
I thought you’d trust me and I’d trust you (most of the time) and we’d find ways to make the best of all those crappy situations we might end up in. You’d hold my hand when I was scared and when I cried you wouldn’t know what to do so you just ended up hugging me awkwardly, but that would’ve been enough for me. I thought every time we fought you’d get so furious you wouldn’t know what to say and I’d be screaming and you’d be yelling and then later that day when we’d made up we’d both apologize and everything would be okay. And sometimes I’d do something really stupid that would make you laugh so hard you couldn’t breathe. Sometimes we’d feel awkward together, and it would be weird and I’d wonder if things would really work out...but then we’d break the silence and we’d feel right again.
Because that’s love. That’s us.
But that wasn’t all that happened.
I trusted you, but you stamped all over that trust. We did find way to make the best of those crappy situations, but you never wanted to work with them. I was scared but your hand didn’t seem any safer.You were the one who made me cry. We argued all the time, so the apologies started to become robotic. “I’m sorry.” “No you’re not.” And then we would argue again.
You did stupid things and made me laugh sure, but you didn’t know when to quit. And we’d feel awkward together but sometimes we wouldn’t feel right again.
And that wasn’t love, but that was us.
And I can pretend all I want that this was what I wanted; this is what I had in mind all along. Because I know how I should feel and this isn't it. But I’ll wait till you’re ready to go to. I’ll wait till you realize it as well.
That this may be love, but it was something else to.
Probably hate.