My day had been dark, bleak. I had wandered around in a kind of trance, not feeling anything, just going through motions. Following my daily routine, I went to the park after school. As always, Kyle was waiting there. I smiled vacantly at him and laid down in the grass next to him.
“What’s wrong?” Kyle asked, eyes full of concern. He always knew when something was bothering me, even if I smiled and said I was fine.
“What isn’t?” I grunted back, closing my eyes to shield against the heartbreaking amount of love in his eyes. There was no point pretending with him.
“Oh come on, Sarah,” he pleaded. “Tell me. Let me help you.” I opened my eyes to glare at him, but was blinded by sunlight shooting between the trees. I sat up, squinting, and watched the sun dip below the horizon. It was nearing evening, and the ceiling of the world was deep blue, but the sky faded into purple, then orange and red at the horizon.
“What a pretty sunset,” I said.
“Don’t go changing the subject!” Kyle protested.
“Fine, fine. You are so annoying!” I complained back at him. But, right after I said it, I gave him a look of gratitude and love. I wish other people in the world would love me the way he does.
I sighed and laid down on the grass again with my eyes closed. I felt Kyle’s body settle in next to me, shoulder to shoulder. I could feel his gaze on me, so I turned and looked at him. Deep brown eyes filled with worry gazed back at me. I reached for his hand and intertwined our fingers.
“I just feel so…lost.” I said. He was quiet, waiting for me to continue. I swallowed the lump in my throat, trying to speak again. He squeezed my hand encouragingly. “Today at school, everyone was just so sure of…everything. And I just walked around feeling nothing, because....” I sighed. It was hard to explain in words.
There was silence for a while before he quietly replied, “If it’s too hard to talk about something now, explain it using something else.”
“Oh…Okay.” I sighed, thinking back to past experiences. Finding the right one, I opened my mouth. “When I was little, I liked covering my head with the blanket and making sure as little air as possible came in. Then I would breathe deep, and wait. Seeing the same darkness, no matter what, whether my eyes were opened or not.”
I was locked in a memory, or many memories, and I shared them with Kyle, without any filters; it was all just complete truth: how it happened, how I felt. “I loved that feeling of being alone. First, the air would begin to taste different; it was warmer, with a musk that suggested it wasn’t fresh. Recycled air. Next, I would be able to feel my heartbeat in every part of my body. My breathing would get heavier, but I couldn’t get any oxygen. My brain would panic, screaming out for air, and I would have the urge for rip off the blanket covering my head so that I could breathe. But I would resist. For as long as possible. To stay breathless, was my idea of perfection. The best feeling in the world. An ideal state. Finally, I had to rip the blankets off, and return to cold oxygen. And that other world that existed outside of me.” I breathed the cold fresh air, returning out of my reverie. I sighed, knowing what was wrong. “I guess I just miss knowing who I am. Everyone around me wants different things from me, and I just…I don’t even know if I’m a good person anymore.”
Silence again. I looked over at Kyle, wondering if he thought I was completely insane because of my enjoyment from near-suffocation. This time, he was the one with his eyes closed while I gazed at him with worry.
“You know,” he said, his eyes still closed, “I wish I could help you. But, even if I just tell you that you’re a good person, doesn’t mean you’ll believe me.” He opened his eyes to finally look at me. “No one else can dictate how you feel. But, maybe you just have to decide to feel differently,” he said softly. “You can’t help other people until you’re truly okay yourself. So, maybe you have to save yourself.”
I closed my eyes, drinking in his words. I felt his hand slip out of mine as the last bit of light faded out of the sky beyond my closed eyes. I breathed deeply, slowly, as I envisioned myself happy and truthful. No more wandering around in a trance, pretending to be happy for others. Simply me, saving myself.