A wise person once said, “Live life fully while you’re here.” What they didn’t explain was that when you live life there are consequences, and sometimes they come at the price of a life.

My name is Caroline Scott, one year to this day I found out that I was to be filed into the short list of cancer survivors. Today I write to tell my story for the first time to you.

Before we start this tale I want you to know I wasn’t always like this. I faintly remember a time when smiling came easy and I didn’t feel like my insides were being ripped out every time I laughed. But then again you should also know that was a lifetime ago and those things are a rare sight. The feeling of happiness was nothing but a faint memory in my mind now.
It was raining outside, something that doesn’t happen very often in Austin, Texas. The dark gloomy clouds loomed over the city in a lurking watchful manner. A line of people created a circle around a body sized hole, dug neatly, in the ground before my eyes. Every head hug low in mourn over the loss of a bright loving girl. The exception being mine of course, my eyes never strayed from sky above us, the tears came as a steady stream down my face, falling into a puddle on my black jacket. The feeling in my body had long since gone and now I could do nothing but stand there and look off into the distance.

It should have been me. She was gone because of a stupid mistake. I would never forgive myself. I could never forgive myself.
People say things happen for a reason and
we choose our own destiny. But I can say that she never asked for this, nor did she deserve it. There are forces in this world working against a select few and they don’t intend to give up easily.
Another tear escaped my eye as the priest ended the prayer and people started to disperse, giving their condolences to the mourning family as they walked past. I could feel multiple eyes dart to look at me from all directions, but I didn’t move a muscle. How could I? I had no energy left. Nothing.
I felt a hand on my shoulder, but I didn’t turn to see whom the hand belonged to. I felt a hand slip into mine and gently squeeze. It was a familiar hand, the warmth spread from my hand and through my body. I closed my eyes and gently squeezed back. It was all I could do. I felt them lean in and whisper, “She’s gone Caroline. There is nothing you could have done to stop it.” Nothing but a gentle whisper sending shivers through my body, leaving a small tingling sensation in my ear.
“It should have been me Jack,” I said not once taking my eyes off the grave. “I was suppose to die, not her.”
“Don’t you dare say that,” he said angrily. “She made her choice to get in that car. She knew the risks but she did it anyway.”
I shook my head. She couldn’t have known the consequences though. The Anna I knew had always been calculating the risks, always telling me to think before I act, she was always the safe one. “She’s never coming back Jack,” I said turning around to face her twin brother. He had the same chocolate brown hair, the same thin lips, but mostly they had the same ghostly blue eyes. The resemblance was hard not to notice and it took my breath away to see a part of her in him. I felt my insides tighten and I fought to keep the tears from pouring again.
“I know Caroline,” he whispered looking down at the ground like it was the most interesting thing in the world. He kicked a pebble out from underneath his shoe, but didn’t look back up at me. “I know,” he whispered again. I heard the crack in his voice before I saw the tear drop to the ground. I thought about stepping forward and comforting him but at that moment he quickly wiped the tear away and straightened up. I knew it was a façade he put on in front of everyone, he was trying to be strong. But, I saw the dark rings that rimmed his eyes, the sparkle that was always present in his eyes had now vanished, and the bounce in his step ceased to exist. His shoulders hung low and his voice had no emphasis present anymore. The Jack I knew was gone and it broke my heart all over again to see.
“Jack…” I began, but trailed off. He had looked up suddenly with a stone cold face as if to say ‘don’t you dare say you’re sorry.’ “I don’t know what to say,” I admitted after a few awkward moments.
“You don’t need to say anything,” he said. I shook my head. I did need to say something, I just couldn’t get the words out. “Please Caroline I can’t hear it. Not now anyway,” he basically pleaded. I nodded and instead took a step forward and wrapped my arms around him burying my face in his shoulder as he gripped me tight as if at any moment I would disappear. I felt his shoulder begin to shake as he sobbed into my hair and in that moment I didn’t care who was watching, who was judging the scene in front of them, I just cried.
My eyes were wet and my nose was so stuffy I couldn’t take a single sniffle as I untangled myself from Jack. His façade was gone and now I saw the hurt inside him, the same hurt I had been experiencing. In that second I remembered that we were going through the exact same thing, we had both loved her.
“We’ll get through this together, I promise,” Jack said. I nodded and wiped the tears away for what seamed like the millionth time that day.
I looked around to see who was still left outside, the wind had picked up and most of the people had moved inside to shelter themselves from the incredible storm brewing. One singular person stood over the deep ditch now. A face I knew all to well. Every muscle in my body tensed and it must have alerted Jack too because his gaze shifted to where I was now shooting daggers.
“What are you doing here?” I practically screamed. “You shouldn’t be here, you shouldn’t be anywhere near her!” I yelled almost in hysteria.
He looked up obviously surprised that anyone was still out here. When he realized who was yelling his face went from grim to pained within seconds. If I got my hands around his neck there would be no stopping me, I knew that and I think Jack sensed it as well, because his grip on my arm tightened.
“Bryan I think you need to leave,” Jack said in a stern tone.
“I have a right to say good-bye too,” Bryan fired back.
“You had your chance when you murdered her!” I yelled.
“Caroline!” Jack snapped.
“You killed her!” I yelled again. “She trusted you and you took her away from me!” I shouted as I began to sob again. “Why didn’t you take me? It should have been me who died! I was the sick one. The one who wasn’t expected to live another two months. But, now she’s gone and I didn’t even get to tell her good-bye.” I felt my throat tighten and moments later Jack wrapped his arms around me again as everything in my world began to spin. I saw my ex’s face crumble and I knew I had hit him where it hurt the most.
“Where were you that night Caroline?” I heard Bryan ask. But, I knew he knew the answer. We all did. I felt Jack’s arms flex and his grip on me tightened. “You were nowhere to be seen when we left. Should we talk about that?” he asked in an angry tone now. His voice had slowly risen from a whisper, but he was perfectly audible now.
“Don’t you dare,” I snarled.
But he didn’t seem to care because he went on anyway. “You weren’t even there,” he said. “You were off with her brother, of all people, while Anna was stuck at the party. You left her there, who’s fault is that?” he asked in a harsh tone.
“I wasn’t the one who drove her home drunk and drove into the river,” I spat back. His face crumbled once again and I started to tremble all over.
But I couldn’t take it anymore. I felt my knees finally give out underneath me as I collapse into heap on the ground. Jack’s strong arms were still wrapped around me as I fell and now they pulled me to his chest. I let the tears come in buckets now. But I never once let my eyes leave the grave before me. Because you see, I could blame Bryan all I wanted, but the reality was that I had cheated death not once but twice. It was suppose to be me in that car, not her and this was the worlds’ punishment for me; they would take the one person I loved the most from me in return. The guilt was going to eat me up inside until there was nothing left, no feeling, no emotion. I wasn’t sure how I was going to live with myself. Because you see, today I buried my best friend.