In my eyes, the world is all the SAME. My brother, Ike says that there are COLORS, but I can't SEE them, I can't SEE anything. I tell him there are no such thing as colors, but he says there are.
“Then what are COLORS?” I ask. He doesn't answer. “All you see is black.” He says. And then I ask for the millionth time “What is BLACK?!?” He ignores the question. “I have to go help Pa” he leaves. “Fine.”


I sit there, alone, and fumble with my jacket zipper. Ike says that he can button his jacket more easily than me because he can SEE. Ike says I'm BLIND. But he can't hear what I hear. He doesn't hear Pa at night, talking to Ma, even though she isn't there. He tells her about his day, and what happened, and the he talks to her about how much he misses her........


Pa says that when I was still inside Mama she got very sick. He says it's a miracle that I'm even alive. I don't really think that anything`s a miracle. Not since we lost our house. Ike says our house was UGLY, I asked him how he could tell. He said he could SEE it. Sometimes I think God messed up Ike, not me. Ike is always getting in trouble. Not with just his teachers, and his school, but with the police. How am I being considered the one he didn`t make perfectly?


I finally get my jacket zipped up. I run my fingers up and down the middle of my jacket. I like to stroke the parts where the zipper comes together, its like an intricate pattern. Carefully crafted, made for perfection, to work exactly how it is supposed to.......This reminds me of the surgery, in two weeks I will be getting a “procedure that could cure a young girls disability!” I don't even know if I want to SEE, but why even bother deciding, that`s not up to me.

Now, it`s almost time for the surgery. I am laying in the bed of the hospital.


Pa asks “are you okay?” “yes,” is all I can manage out, I think he knows I'm lying. This is a nice hospital, the people at Church have raised a lot more money than I thought they would. I clasp my hands together, and pray that the surgery will go well. Pa, Ike, and I, sit there in silence for a while, until one of the doctors comes in. He says they are going to put me on “Anesthesia”, he says that it will make me go to sleep, so I won't feel anything during the procedure. He puts a plastic, too-tight mask over my mouth and nose, and suddenly,a sweet smelling gas starts coming through. It feels LIGHTER, like the whipped cream on cake, the thought passes through my mind quickly, like a car speeding by on the highway. Now, it feels like there is a weight in my mind, keeping me from being able to think. I know the sleeping medicine is now kicking in. I start to feel relaxed, but I can't finish any of my thoughts, I think that this is what Ike calls PINK...... Now, I fall asleep.


It is two days after the surgery, and I still can't see. But we're still not sure, the doctors have said we won`t know if the procedure has worked, until a few days afterward. I don't really care if I can SEE, because now, I can SEE. Something about the whole thing, has changed me, I don`t open my eyes like Ike says you do to LOOK at things, but I SEE feelings. I SEE the deep RED, when Pa and Ike were praying for me, I SEE the GREEN, of the hopeful doctors, and I can see a PURPLE haze around myself, hope. And I know that no matter what, I'm going to be alright. It doesn't matter if I ever really SEE Ike`s face, or what our house really LOOKS like, or if I ever get to SEE Ma`s grave.


I think I like not seeing. Why else would we kiss, and hug with our eyes closed? Why do we dream, without SEEING what`s really there? Well now, I know, it`s because the best things in life aren't SEEN with the eyes, they are FELT with the heart.