I trudged out of the field house with multiple bags weighing me down. I groaned as my cleat-clad feet already had begun to ache from the lack of arch support. “Stupid cleats.” I muttered to myself. I felt silly as I realized the varying weights of my bags caused me to walk lopsidedly, making me appear as if I had no balance.
I have great balance actually; after all, I was a gymnast for several years. My balance is awfully terrible when my eyes are closed, though. I figured that out yesterday at church while we were praying. I winced at the remembrance of rocking on my feet towards my friend on the left and then rocking towards the right where nobody stood, so that I fell with a soft thud on the fuzzy red carpet. I almost died. Someone flicked my head, bringing me out of my thoughts.
“Ow.” I mumbled, frowning. I turned my head sharply to the sound of snickering on my left. I glared and looked up at my abuser. “That hurt.” I said through gritted teeth.
“Oh stop whining, Jules.” Ben said while jokingly rolling his eyes. I continued to glare and then managed a smile; I looked up at Ben’s soft brown curls coming out from under his baseball cap and my smile became genuine. I couldn’t stay mad at Ben even if he had just flicked me for the tenth time that day.
“I saw that little fall you took yesterday… so did you have a nice trip?” Yes, I could stay mad at him actually. I don’t care how cute he is.
“I didn’t trip, okay? I just sort of... lost balance.” I glanced at him and he started to chuckle.
“Why were your eyes open during the prayer anyways?” I quickly countered.
“Touché” he said with a sly grin and narrow eyes. I rolled my eyes and smirked; half amused that he could admit defeat. I hefted my bags higher onto my shoulder still struggling to walk like a normal person. Ben suddenly reached over to me and his fingers curled around the strap of my soccer bag, taking it off my shoulder and placing it on his own.
“Thanks.” I smiled gratefully. Ben nodded and glanced my way. We locked eyes for a moment and I saw a boyish glint in his eye; the glint I remember seeing when we were young. I quickly averted my eyes away from his. He grinned at that.
“Sometimes little Julie is so shy.” Ben said in a soft baby voice, pinching my cheeks. I blushed and just shrugged, for I knew the reason why I’ve been a tad sheepish lately. Wait, did I?
The silence that now covered us felt suffocating, for it allowed the things I’ve been pushing to the back of my mind to resurface. It allowed me an opportunity to contemplate why I was shy around Ben lately; to contemplate… my feelings for Ben.
Me and Ben, Ben and I, have been best friends since I can remember. Never, ever would I have thought that I would like Ben or even relatively liked him. Not like that anyways; you know, ‘like, like’ him… But, I mean, could you blame a girl? I bit my lip and glanced at him. I noticed I gazed just a moment too long when his unmistakable smirk became visible. I glared at him, daring him to say something. He didn’t even blink an eye as he kept his head forward and said “Checking me out?”
I rolled my eyes, “Please, check your ego.” I knew full and well that Ben had caught me, and I was sure he didn’t have a doubt that I was in fact ‘checking him out’. With the smirk still prominent on his face Ben said “Whatever princess.” I narrowed my eyes before playfully rolling them again. We arrived at the hill above the practice field and Ben dropped my soccer bag and his bags to the ground. I did the same, as I let my book bag fall from my shoulders; then lifted my purse strap over my head, careful not to mess up my hair, for it was hard to keep out of my face. I bent down to take my cell phone out of my purse; using the reflection to check my appearance and seeing my piercing green eyes beneath my soft brown bangs which had found their way out of my bobby pins. I huffed; my bangs flew up and then feel back to my forehead. Whatever, there’s no use in attempting to pin back my silky, thin hair. I rolled my eyes in annoyance. I glanced over and noticed the look Ben was giving me. He stood with his arms crossed across his chest. With one eyebrow raised, it was that kind of look that said ‘Really?’. My eyebrows furrowed and I held out my hands beside my shoulders, my palms facing up.
“What?” I questioned. He just stood there with the same expression, acting as if I should know. I figured he was thinking ‘Conceded much?’. “My hair was messed up!” I said innocently. I rolled my eyes as he didn’t budge. “Look, don’t you have to leave…” I unlocked my phone, letting the time pop up on the screen. “... like now?” I said, seeing the time was already 3:30.
“Nah, I’ll be fine.” He said, waving his hand as if to say ‘big deal’.
“Harrison! Get your butt over here!” Ben’s coach yelled from the end of the baseball field, making Ben jump.
“Gotta go.” He hurriedly grabbed his book bag and baseball bag and took off. He slowed down for a moment and yelled over his shoulder “I’ll take you home after practice?”.
“Yeah, sure!” I shouted back. “See you later ‘Benny Boo Boo Boo Boo Boo’” I laughed as I quoted Andy Anderson from ‘How to Lose a Guy in Ten Days’. Ben turned around to face me, walking backwards. I thought he was about to flip me off, but he played it off as a peace sign. “Yeah, good idea buddy.” I said. He grinned cheekily before turning around and jogging the rest of the way to the baseball field. He didn’t have far to go; the soccer and baseball field were practically adjoining. Still, I watched him go. When he got to the fence encasing the baseball field he clambered up it. I shook my head; Jeez, the audacity that dork has. I sat down and waited for 4 o’clock to roll around, so I could get this practice over with.
~
“Turn the heat up! I’m freezing. Did you guys not practice in that frigid air?”
“Yeah, but I’m not wearing shorts and a short-sleeve t-shirt.”
“True, true.” I mumbled, looking down at my shorts.
“Here.” Ben reached behind his seat as he braked in front of a stop sign. Ben tossed a grey hoodie to the passenger seat where I was sitting. The hoodie landed on my head and I groaned.
“Oh sorry. I forgot you were so short.” He said as he plucked the hoodie of my head and placed it in my lap.
“Thanks.” I said, pulling the hoodie over my head. The silence started to wash over us again, so I turned the volume of the radio up. I hoped the music would feel my mind and push out the words my annoying conscience kept repeating. The song that was playing was ‘Fall For You” ...Crap. I quietly sung along, for I knew this song and did like it. “This is not what I intended, I always swore to you I'd never fall apart, You always thought that I was stronger, I may have failed, But I have loved you from the start, Oh...” My voice trailed off, for the words gave me an eerie feeling because it felt so relative to what was going on in my head… I couldn’t elude the situation. I huffed and reached over to switch the station, but Ben reached over too. I quickly snatched my hand away. Ben paused for a second, and then his hand continued to move towards the volume knob. I looked down at my hands resting in my lap. Ben turned the volume down. Out of the corner of my eye I saw Ben run a hand through his scruffy curls and then glance over at me. He sighed. “You want to tell me why you’re being so… timid?” Ben asked. I shrugged. I knew Ben saw the movement because he sighed again, more exasperatedly this time I think. I continued to look down at my hands… I just don’t want my silly feelings to ruin the great friendship we have. i just don’t want to deal with the situation, I’m afraid I’ll just screw it u- “Julie…” I looked up at Ben and he took his eyes off the road for another moment to glance at me. His pleading eyes pierced through my own like ice. I looked down again... Screw it up like I’m doing now. I squeezed my eyes shut tight, deciding what I must do. I opened my eyes, looking straight ahead. “Look, Ben… I just really li-” I looked over at Ben just as I was about to say the word, and realized that he had already looked over at me, waiting for what I was going to say. And then it was black.
I blacked out for not even a whole minute, I realized, for the car had just settled. The car was upside down and… and there’s blood. There’s a lot of blood. I looked over at Ben. “Ben?” There was gash in his chest… how did that even happen? “Ben?” I said a little louder and more frantically.
“Julie.” I heard him croak; he reached out his arm, his wrist limp. I unbuckled myself, and struggled to get my legs free. I sat on the ceiling beneath me and scooted closer to Ben. I managed to get Ben out of his seat belt. He sprawled out and I pulled his head up to my chest as I leaned against the frame of the car. The tears started flowing as he spoke again, sounding worse than before. “What were you saying, Julie?” he asked as I started stroking his hair.
“I-I…” I sniffled, struggling to speak through my silent sobs. “I… I was s-saying that I r-really li… th-that I r-really l-love you, Ben.” God please don’t let that be the last time I say that. I heard his ragged breaths become shallower by the second, only making the pool my tears fell into deeper. He grunted as he tried to pull himself up, wanting to look me in the eyes, I assumed. “Shh, shh” I said coaxing him back down. “I really love you too, Jules.” He uttered, breathlessly. His breathing grew ever slower and I begged God to keep him alive. The hand I had laid upon his cheek trembled as I moved it to feel the breath coming from Ben’s nose. It trembled more as it felt nothing. I moved my hand to clutch my chest, but I placed it back on Ben’s cheek as I knew the ache I felt would not go away, for it wasn’t the car crash that had caused me pain, but the last breath of my best friend.