The wind is very strong today, and I’m struggling to keep my balance- not that it matters. It certainly was a long way down, but there was no need to worry. I had the mindset, now all I needed to do was jump. I’ve had no parents since as long as I could remember, and now that my foster parents can finally abandon me, I have nowhere to go to. Stupid, ugly, weak; those were words I was called more than I was called my name, Ancep. Suicide was a reoccurring thought in my mind for a couple of years now, and there was nothing stopping me now.

I stepped over the ledge of the office building, and started to plummet down. It was taking a longer time than I imagined, and I even had time to observe the scenery. My heart was beating at a stupendous rate, quite frankly I was scared, but I did not regret my decision. My whole body started to ache as I rapidly approached the concrete floor.

My plummet came to a sudden stop, as my nose grazed the ground. My body levitated for a moment, before collapsing upon the ground. My whole body ached and I started to shriek in pain. People started to gather round, likely because of the yelling but also because I just attempted to commit suicide. In a matter of seconds all the pain I was feeling vanished. I stood up and stopped everyone from trying to call the police. I claimed it was just a stunt for a movie, nothing real. This lie worked for the most part, but some still held doubts.

It was still the middle of the day, and it wouldn’t be right for me to go back to the youth shelter so soon. I went over to a public library to gain access to the internet. I visited the website which helped me develop my suicidal persona. It was a blog which I had great respects for, and I agreed with the writer’s point of view entirely. The blog was quite popular, and the viewers communicated often about our outlook on the world. I decided to open up to them about the absurdity of the events that occurred today. The other chat members claimed that I was insulting them and had no genuine interest in their way of life. They were wrong, as I understood the pain that this world gives to its inhabitants. I wanted someone to understand what had happened to me, as I didn’t understand myself. I wouldn’t dare open up to anyone else, as they would try and change me.

In the middle of my monologue I received a private message from another user of the blog. The user wanted to talk to me about today’s events; it appeared that this person was the only one who believed me. I said I was interested and started rambling on about my experience. I was cut off with a message that read: “How about we meet up in person? I think it’d be beneficial to both of us and it’d be pretty cool to meet someone who thinks like me. Your profile says you live in North Sacramento, in which case I can meet up with you as soon as tomorrow!”

I agreed to meeting up as I also thought it might be a good experience. We decided to meet at a popular cafe in town. After conversing for a bit longer I decided to leave the library. I did my usual day’s worth of begging on a popular street in town, and went back to the shelter for the day.

I woke up quite late the next day, deciding to go straight to the cafe. My new friend said that they’d be wearing a green coat, so I knew who to look for. I was thinking of trying to commit suicide again today; I want to be rid of this life as soon as possible. I’d gone so far as to try once, and I wasn’t afraid to try again. Something went extremely wrong the first time, and I was set on making sure it wouldn’t happen again. I walked into the cafe with some spare change in my pocket in order to buy a little brunch.

It was still ten minutes before we were scheduled to meet up, but in the middle of my meal I saw a lady with a bright green coat walk in. I subconsciously waved at her to come over, and when she noticed she smiled brightly and walked towards me. She sat in front of me and took off her coat. She ordered a little something to eat and we proceeded to make small talk: how we view the world, how we found out about the blog, a little about our pasts, and we also exchanged names.

“My name’s Forti,” she said extending her arm.

“I’m Ancep”, I said while trying to refuse shaking her hand as politely as I could. I didn’t come here to make friends, seeing as I had full intention to die as soon as I could.

“I take it that you tried to commit suicide recently, and seeing as you’re still alive, just what exactly happened?” Forti asked me.

“It happened just as I said it did yesterday. Millimetres before coming into contact into the ground I came to a halt, and then collapsed. Moments after that, I felt pain all over my body like I had actually just jumped off the building.”

“Aha, that seems quite nostalgic. The exact same thing happened to me about a year ago, after trying to overdose on pills. I regurgitated them all then felt an extreme pain all over my body.”

“A whole year ago? What happened after that; are you still attempting to kill yourself?” I frantically asked her.

“Well, I’m done with that lifestyle. I did attempt to commit suicide a few times after that but it was of no use. I met up with someone on the blog- nothing unlike what’s happening right now- and I opened up to him. He told me that I couldn’t die because I didn’t want to die. I was told that my feelings would go away and that killing myself would be a waste.”

“What are you talking about?! Are you saying that I’m like you, that I’m just going through a phase? Fortunately not, and I’m quite set on following what I feel is right!” I yelled at her, standing up to leave.

“Look, I’m not trying to force you to do anything, nor am I trying to change your mind. Seeing as I am still a member of the blog shows that I still agree with it. However, suicide is not the answer. I want to show this to you,” she said with a stern face.

“And how exactly do you plan to do that? I’m not so weak-willed as to lose my mindset so easily. I am willing to hear what you have to say- since you were once like me,” I told her.

“Looks like you’re already wavering in your mind, seeing as you’re able to accept my request so easily.”

She must have seen me getting angry, as she quickly said, “I kid! I understand you as I once was like you. Now come on!” she said while hurrying out of the cafe. We both had paid for our meals quite a while ago, so I followed her quick feet.

She scurried over to the nearest bus stop, and waved for me to hurry over. I had no reason to rush, but I did start jogging. We got on to the next bus that arrived. We sat on the seats at the front of the bus.

“So, why do you want to kill yourself? Your past doesn’t seem all that bad, compared to others at least!” She said fairly quietly.

“Who are you to judge how bad my past is? It’s not just about what happened, but it’s how I was affected by it. I don’t expect anyone to understand, and it pains me to even be with you after I found out you disapprove suicide. It also isn’t just about the past. It’s the future, I have nothing to look towards but darkness. I have nothing to pursue and there is nothing for me,” I told her quite angrily.

“It seems I offended you, my apologies! But if it’s your future, don’t worry about that! There’s definitely a way to fix everything. You’re also so young now; it looks like you haven’t even graduated from high school! There are many things you can still do to fix up your life!”

It was surprising to hear it from another person.

“You don’t understand my pain! I need a way to escape from this-”

My statement was interrupted by her humming. She seemed to be humming something while zoning out through the window.

“Are you even listening? What are you looking at?” I asked her, looking out the window of the bus as well.

“Hey, let’s get off on the next spot!” she told as she stood up hurriedly.

Once the bus stopped, we got off and walked towards the seashore. We were at a park, quite high above the sea. It was a beautiful view, especially with the sun about to set.

“I was never one to appreciate such views. Looks pretty beautiful,” I said as we both walked towards the edge of the cliff.

“Looks like it doesn’t take a lot to change does it? All it takes is one person with a strong will,” she said to me.

“Now, I do appreciate what you’ve done for me today, and I must admit it was a good time spent with you. However, I don’t think that my mindset has changed,” I said.

“It’s fair enough, as long as you were able to enjoy yourself. I think I did a good enough job, now it’s all up to you.”She stood in front of me holding my hips.

The sky started to darken behind me. “What are you trying to do?” I said quietly.

She stood on her toes and started to lean forward. She whispered in my ears, “You can do it, just believe in yourself”.
Her arms moved closer, and her chest started to press against mine. With a quick flick of her arms, I started to plunge towards the seawater. It was different than before; I was flailing around, quite frankly, scared of what was happening. I was trying to catch a hold of something, my hands grinding against the rock. I looked forward not thinking that I would make it, falling, only a few feet away from the sea water. As I crashed into the water I felt pain everywhere in my body and almost blacked out. I squirmed around and started to slowly swim towards the nearest shore, with blood escaping from many wounds. It took what felt like ages, and my body was hurting all over. I felt extremely hazy as I lay down on the sand. I had just almost died, and that had been my goal for almost forever. However, I had desperately tried to survive, and not just by instinct, but by feeling. “Looks like it doesn’t take much to change, huh Forti ...”