The furniture store clerk shuffled his feet, pulling his starched sleeves towards the ground. A bead of sweat formed on his bald head. I paid no attention to his nervousness and focused away from his uneasy facial expression. Instead, I returned to caressing the rich leather armchair in front of me. The firm material felt like the interior of a sports car, and with a furrowed brow I worked my hands all around the armchair, making mental notes to the texture, and consistency. At this point I straightened up to confront the concerned clerk.
“Excuse me, Mister…” I glanced down at his nametag “…Ernie. I don’t mean to bother you with any of my actions. I’m simply here to buy an armchair, and that’s it.”
He didn’t seem the least bit comforted and cleared his throat before stating “Well, sir, most people do not caress our furniture like a long lost lover.”
“I’m sorry to hear that. The only way I can make an educated buy is to thoroughly use all of my senses and examine each and every aspect of each and every armchair. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have four more senses to go”

He turned around, flustered, and walked back over to his fort that was the customer service desk. I sighed once and knelt down to study my quarry. I ran my hands over the leather once again, taking in the details. The durable textile covered cushions on the back, sides, and seat. I could not resist its enchantment any longer and I collapsed into the recliner. The chair formed around my body, and just for a second I was lying in another world. A world populated by bookshelves and whiskey, with fireplaces in the background and hot tea in the kitchen. I managed to stand back up and focus. I had not yet taken full stock of this incredibly comfortable phenomenon.
The power of sight is probably one of the most underrated and underappreciated senses out of all five. People who are blind have a very difficult time seeing, and therefore cannot read the words that normal people can read. They must resort to their own special language using other senses. However, I am fortunate enough to not blind and so I will observe the armchair down to its very essence. This will ensure an accurate buy. I started at the base, and intently noticed everything, from the smallest details to the main idea. The mahogany legs were ornate and elegant sculptures dipped in chocolate. The fronts of the armrests were emblazoned with small beads, and I could just imagine the owner of a Fortune 500 company contemplating a risky deal while stroking the beads thoughtfully. The chair radiated power, experience, and an undertone of complacency, represented by the overstuffed cushions. The sides twisted upwards to form a stylized back to an already perfect recliner. I finished my once-over and looked to the customer service desk to see how my good friend Ernie was behaving. I caught him staring, and he quickly busied himself elsewhere. Good old Ernie.
I had already spent close to half an hour on this one armchair. I needed to hurry up and make sure to check out all of the options that this store had available. I cracked a few fingers and got back to work. Ernie forgot his previous task and also went back to work, if work means gazing at me. I ignored Ernie and knelt down once again to place my ear against the leather. I could hear the heartbeat of the cow that was murdered. A steady drum that was suddenly put to rest when a consumer, much like me, wished for somewhere to sit. I picked up my ear and moved to the legs of the recliner. No heartbeat came from the legs, but I could hear the presence of the chair’s soul deep within it. The soul whispered the tales of thousands of recliners, with a sound like the wind brushing a dead leaf down the road on an autumn’s day. I was enthralled, and would have stayed longer except Ernie the Bothersome decided that once someone begins to listen to the furniture, they don’t belong with other human beings. I stood up to confront him.
“Ernie, I literally just told you what I’m doing.” I said with a twinge of annoyance
“Sir, you were listening to the chair. Like, actually listening to the chair. Seriously, you had your ear against the chair. I’m going to have to ask you to leave” Ernie’s concerned expression had turned into one of almost fright.
“The only way I can make a guaranteed good decision on which piece of furniture to buy is to use every sense and intensely observe whatever chair I want. I just explained this to you earlier.”
“I called security.” Ernie said with a sudden leap of confidence
“This is a furniture store. There is no security, and I’m going to finish my observations no matter what.” I suddenly got onto my knees, locked eyes with Ernie and placed my tongue on the recliner. I dragged my tongue all across the chair, from the legs to the undercarriage all while watching Ernie’s look of horror and disbelief. The chair tasted like victory. I had provoked Ernie for one final glorious time.
“See?” I said, standing up. “You must not only look, feel, and listen to the chair but also smell and taste it.” I was in Ernie’s face now, inches away. I could smell his breath. It was comparable to an olive having a wrestling match with a can of Lysol on top of a compost pile. Ernie was seething too, and I was waiting for him to do something. All of a sudden, without warning, Ernie cocked his fist back and moved faster than I thought was possible for an out of shape white man in his thirties. Then, it was all black.