I am a coward. I hide in the shadows of my lies and crawl in the depths of self-pity. No one knows that I am the destruction of happiness. The badge is embedded in the skin under my shirt like a tattoo across my heart. I cannot cry. My tears are stuck to my eyes, making them glossy and irritatingly red. How did I let it get this far?
She can cry though. She looks at me with hurt and agony while a tear rolls down her round cheeks. The worst feeling in the world is knowing that I've disappointed her and everyone around me. I lay awake at night with her next to me physically and our emotional stability, a million miles away. I feel her silent shutters and I see her revisiting that day over and over again in her mind. Later, in the beads of water that fall from the shower head, I sit on the floor and remember. I hope it allows me to feel what she is feeling. If I could take it all away from her, I would bare the weight of her pain along with mine. To anyone else, I seem insane. Certifiably ready for the asylum. To this, I ask myself everyday if they are right. The events that I have been through have made me question my own personal thoughts. Are they poisoned with the vile memories of my childhood?
The worst part of it all is that the other girl still lingers in my mind. She is in my dreams every night and she is dancing to the beat of sorrow on my heart. She was like me. Brush everything off, pretend that living doesn't take more out of you than it should. Wake up, find a lovable partner, and fall asleep next to a heartbeat so you don’t feel so alone. She is not only like me, she is me in a few years. Our story is the same and I’m bound to the same fate of being desperately alone. It’s our choice though. We choose to push others away after we use them and suck them dry. We use our charm and cunning to attract those who see us, and we are attractive to the naked eye in all aspects. Beautiful, sharp, adventurous. I have never come across another who is so dead inside. Even I, another of the same kind of dark human, fell for her. When she looked at me, I was drawn to her eyes, and I suppose she felt the same way. But it doesn't matter now. I broke her like I've broken everything else.