Just once can’t things workout. Not everything but maybe one thing. Colby thought to herself as she sat at her old roll top . She got the desk as a handy me down she when she was little. That of which used to be an antique, in mint condition, now was dusted in makeup and soaked in nail polish stains from years ago. Her little silver desk lamp hovered over the desk illuminating the surface where her computer sat. Frustrated Colby sat trying to type her english paper that was due tomorrow, the same paper she hadn’t quite started yet.
*Buzz* *Buzz* *Buzz*  she looked down at her phone. The obnoxious vibration was intensified due to the fact the phone was lying against the hard wood desk, making the noise even louder and more distracting. Colby picked up the phone to see what it could be, and with no surprise it was a swarm of texts from a group chat with two of her friends. Marisa and Taylor, they kept checking up on her because they knew she had been in a funk lately and this paper involved too much self realization to help the preexisting situation, so they just wanted to make sure she was ok.

Even if Colby didn’t want to admit it, she wasn’t that ok. But really would anyone be that ok after you walk up to Grayson Simon, the guy you’ve liked for SIX years, as he's talking s*** about you?
  Colby usually didn't let things like that bother her too much. It was different this time, it was a snowball of misfortunes that felt way worse than it actually was. She had been overly stressed about the winter formal lately. Since she was an expert at accidentally friend zoning herself with every guy she met she was about out of options for people that could potentially ask her. When all of her friends started getting asked, she was genuinely happy for them. Now with less than three weeks before the dance Colby began to wonder if maybe she wasn't getting asked because something was wrong with her. She didn't think this negatively about herself before, but the reason Colby was walking up to Grayson was because after 6 years of admiring from a far she finally built up the courage and the confidence to go talk to Grayson. And not only was she going to just chat she was actually going to ask him if he had asked anyone to the dance yet, and knowing that he had not that was when she was going to suggest they went together. To Colby this took every ounce of bravery in her body to even approach him. So when the moment finally came around it was like a punch in the face with a spiked glove when he was talking bad about the second the approached him. If she had self confidence issues before, she might need therapy after this.

She knew she wasn't the prettiest girl in school, and that her plethora of freckles made her look way more young than she was. Her hair wasn't perfectly put together like the other girls and to Colby it has been the same length for her entire life no matter how well she took care of it. She had these short and honey brown pieces of hair that flipped over her part, her mom said it was called a cowlick. Very self conscious of this alleged lick from a cow she usually wore a head band, or a beanie, or even put her hair back in a tight pony tail to distract from the out of control waves. While her skin was clear of acne, when she looked in the mirror the first thing she noticed was the scar that harbored over the top of her lip from where she got gotten bit by a dog in 2nd grade. Along with the scar she saw every bump and imperfection like a cardinal sitting in the snow. In the area Colby lived almost every girl was a skinny and very petite and Colby just wasn’t. She worked out almost every day but her body shape was just too curvy to look like her classmates. No matter how much makeup she wore, or how she did her hair, or how healthy she ate and how much she worked out she never felt truly pretty like the other girls.  The more she thought about this the more she began to convince herself that if she just looked different or dressed different she could get a date, and maybe even a boyfriend.
Knowing this is how Colby was feeling lately, her friends were justified for checking in on her. But even with this kind gesture Colby took this act of kindness as more of an annoyance, and wished they would just leave her alone.
Coincidentally to the situation, the paper Colby was trying to start was supposed to be on on any situation in her life she would like to change. With how things were going lately Colby took this topic to heart. From how things just went with Grayson at school and the winter formal just around the corner and still no date and colleges sending back acceptances, and denials, Colby felt like the classic overwhelmed teenager and she couldn't think of just one thing she wanted to change, she just didn't want to be her anymore.
Mrs. Kayson, Colby’s english teacher, didn’t assign this paper with intention of her students to sit and over analyze the downfalls of their lives and/ or have panic attacks, but Colby couldn’t let this go. Sure people will half heartedly say “What if “ and “if I could change one thing it would be blah blah blah” but Colby really started to think about this and what would her future would be like if she could change her past and how much happier she would be to be anyone but herself. 
She began to lean back on the old wooden desk chair. She pushed all of her weight back on the chair so that she was balancing on only two of the four legs of the chairs, basically the number one thing you got yelled at for in elementary school because you could “fall back and crack your head open!”. Nervously tousling and running her fingers threw her honey brown hair, she tried to contain the hundreds of thoughts that over crowded her mind.  She couldn’t stop thinking about how many things she wishes were different, and how frustrating it was that she couldn’t do anything about it. She was sick of being herself and she was stuck, stuck with what she had even if it didn't seem fair. All of these thoughts and emotions colliding, combing to form the water that flooded her eyes. In defeat she closed her eyes so tight 17 year old eyes began to crinkle, like the lines of an worn and aged face, and all at once an ocean of tears poured from her eyes, ran down her nose, and trickled off her face dropping to the cold, hard, wood, floor below. Leaning back further and further starting to loose her balance, the chord of the lamp got tangled on the leg of the chair that was leaning back. Causing the lamp to fall to the ground and shattering, then the room went dark. The loud drop and elimination of light made her loose her focus of trying to balance and then she felt herself detach from the earth and fall back. When time stopped in those final seconds, in defeat Colby let herself fall. The last gasp of breathe managed to escape her lungs as her head collided with the hard floor.

Webster defines Death as a permanent cessation of all vital functions. Colby’s impact was hard enough to cause this and it was confirmed by the the alleged “bright light at the end of the tunnel” that is supposed to lead us to our heaven. Colby believed she was face to face with this fate. As she opened her eyes, reluctantly, she thought knew where she was. She went to church every Sunday and has been in bible study group for as long as she can remember. She had heard about this bright light and knew she was in heaven. Colby began to hoist herself up and looked where she was, already having a preconceived notion as to her where about’s, she was puzzled to find she was wrong. Panic began to strike when she was not in heaven, and she wasn't even in her clean and organized room, but somewhere that smelled more musky, like mens cologne. Somewhere where  the walls were a deep rich and royal blue, and the carpet was occupied by so many pieces of clothing and homework books she could barely make out the salt and peppered carpet below. And the “light at the end of the tunnel” wasn’t that either. It was just a light above her head.
“Where am I” Colby mumbled to herself as she sat up taking in her surroundings. She wasn't alone either, her eyes still dizzy and blurry she jolted when she saw a boyish figure walk into the room. He just glimpsed at her with a smile walked past, kissed her cheek and sat down on the bed next to her. As if he wasn't as confused as she was as to why she was there, and where ‘there’ even was?! Colby was so distraught it took her a second to realize who she was sitting next to after her vision cleared up.  And even when she did figure out who it was she didn't believe it.
It was Grayson Simon, not just a boy from school but a boy from school that she has had a crush on since 6th grade. And not just a boy from school that she has had a crush on since 6th grade but the same boy from school that she has had a crush on since 6th grade who was just talking s*** about her the other day and broke her heart.
“Is this some kinda weird dream” Colby said as the words came blurting out of her mouth.
“Babe, you are fine. We were just making out. I talked her its not a big deal, it was just a little awkward. But my mom is chill, she doesn't care.” Colby stared at him like… well, like you look at someone when you fall off your chair and wake up in your crushes room as he uses the words “you”, “babe”, and “make out" in the same sentence. “Any way” Grayson began to lean in towards Colby, giving her that ‘Grayson glare’ she has been admiring from a far since middle school. “Where were we” He said as he closed his eyes getting closer and closer to Colby’s face. In seconds they were nose to nose then lip to lip. Colby’s stomach began to knot. This moment is the moment she has dreamed of for as long as she can remember. Grayson Simon was kissing her. But she couldn't even enjoy herself because the over arching question was still there. How and why was she there?
For a moment she let go of all the questions that occupied her head and lived in the moment that was being presented to her. She, Colby Elden, was lip to lip with Grayson Simon. His gentle lips were soft and sweet, everything she could've wanted. His left hand was caressing the underside of her perked up chin while his right hand was on her waist. Slowly inching down, she felt as his hand glided over the curves of her hip and to her surprise goose bumps arose like tulips in the spring as his hand finally reached her bottom. Overwhelmed with the situation Colby felt uncomfortable with his movement. Still kissing, she ever so slightly guided his hand back to the beginning position, on her hip. This push sparked his XY chromosomal instinct, to try harder to reach his goal. In his head, her gentle push away was a playful invitation to try harder. Now he didn’t waste time to assert his goal, instead he pushed her hand off of his and aggressively grabbed her bottom. Colby wasn't that experienced in the boyfriend department but she knew where this was going, and she didn’t feel comfortable with it. That just wasn't her, even though in this weird world she was currently in she probably had done more with him and maybe even had sex but the Colby she thought she knew, wouldn’t let herself be that “easy”.

With a swift jerking back motion she pushed his hand off of her and pulled away. For a split second she questioned why she stopped. She had dreamed of that moment for years. It is everything she wanted. Or at least thought that this was all she wanted. The countless nights she spent up thinking how great her life would be if she could just be with this boy that she barely knew, and is now sitting in his bed. At least once a week she wondered how different her life would be if she just could have a moment like this. Because back in her normal life a boy like that wouldn't want to date a girl like her. So why now are things different. Who did she become to be here. Wherever she was she didn't feel like herself. She felt like some part of herself was missing, and she didn't like it. Which was weird considering since she was little she had always tried to change herself to be someone that she wasn’t and now different is what she was and she was more miserable than she was before.
Looking over at Grayson she could tell he was very confused, which in his defense he had right to be considering he thought he was just making out with his girlfriend. Trying to cope with the situation, Colby still didn't know how she had gotten her but just wanted to apologize and get home while trying to be a casual as possible.
“Hey babe…” The word almost felt foreign rolling off her tounge. She continued “I think I’m going to go home I just realized… I don’t feel well, yeah I’m sick” With a quick fake cough Colby grabed her coat and her car keys, that were somehow next her, and ran out the door trying to avoid stepping on anything of value on the floor. Now out of Grayson’s room Colby could see a living room at the end of the hallway, and from making and educated guess Colby kept running hoping to find a front door so she could leave. Now out of the dimly lit hallway there was an exterior door in sight, but then Colby came to an abrupt stop. She turned to the wall adjacent to her and stared, there was a mirror. Jaw dropped, eyes in disbelief she didn't recognize the person staring back at her. She walked up to the reflective wall decoration and gently touched her hair, no longer did she see short honey brown pieces of her flowing freely but pin straight, black and long hair was there instead. Getting even closer to the mirror Colby didn’t see her freckles or her scar, but layers and layers of makeup hiding these marks. And her skin was covered in bumps probably acne but she couldn't tell from the layers of makeup. Her eyes looked fake with mounds of mascara and eyeliner, changing the shape of her eye. Disgusted Colby stepped back and begins to cry. Trying to catch her breath in between sobs of confusion she looks down, she's wearing short shorts and high boots and a top that has less coverage than a bikini top. And even more surprising than her outfit choice her body was different. She was very bony and thin, almost sickly looking. And for a girl with a natural shape of being very curvy she must have starved herself to achieve this look.
  Feeling sick with herself, Colby turned to see Grayson walking out of his room down the hall after her. She dropped her coat and keys and began to scramble to pick them up falling as she ran out of the door. Now outside Colby was greeted by the blinding sun and with one jump she was in her car and turning on the ignition. Throwing the silver Jeep Patriot in reverse Colby flew down the road ignoring the “suggested” speed limit of 25 mph. Unfamiliar with the neighborhood    Colby began to panic again, increasing her heart rate, and after a few turns she managed to find a main road.

So many things happening at once Colby could barely focus on the road. Never had she had so many unanswered questions that she might not ever find the answer to. She started to accept that this might be her life now, this might be who she was. And this is who she used to want to be. She has the straight and put together hair. Her face showed no imperfections like her old freckles and her little scare.  Her curves were gone and were replaced with a skinny figureless and bony body that was being promoted by her suggestive outfit. This is what she wanted, this is what the other girls were and she's always wanted to be like the other girls. So why was she unhappy? Before she fell one of her last thoughts and wishes was to be someone else, anyone else. Now thats what she was, no longer was she Colby Elden but a cookie cutter stereo typical girl. And for the first time in her life she began to cry to be the old her, something she had never expected before. She cried to have her freckles back and to have her scar again, she cried to have that honey brown hair flip and flop wherever it wanted, she cried to feel healthy and have her curves, and she cried to be back in her comfortable leggings with even a sweatshirt. She cried for herself, she cried for Colby Elden.
 
Eyes clouded with tears, and head full with regret Colby, for a single second Colby forget what she was doing and lost control of the wheel. All of a sudden Colby was greeted with a familiar feeling of panic, the same panic she felt while falling. Within seconds Colby’s car drove straight into the largest oak in the town. The impact sent pieces of glass into her skin simultaneously as her head thrusted into the window and for what felt like the last time, again, she felt last breath squeeze from her lungs and her eyes fall shut.

Like a fish out of water, Colby awoke sprawled on the floor gasping for air. She quickly sat up. Maybe she moved too fast, because she winced in pain from her head which was pounding. Unlike before, she wasn’t awaken by a bright light but by complete darkness. Dizziness overtook her as she stood up. Suddenly a familiar smell and feeling overtook her. Standing up, her sense of sight revoked from her, she felt her way around the walls slowly feeling more and more familiarness on her fingertips. She finally made her way over to one of the corners of the room where and placed her hand on what she thought was a light switch. Fingers on the switch she paused. Just her and the darkness stood, she was once an imperfect person with a million things she had wished to change. She was once a girl who wished for anything other than what she had and what she was. She was once a girl who always asked “What if” thinking about how better her life could be if those “what if”’s had been reality. After seeing an unfamiliar and unwelcoming face in the mirror, she wanted to be that “flawed” girl again. Her freckles, and her scar and even her messy floppy hair, made her who she was. And as she flicked on the light, even though she thought it was impossible, for the last time she thought “what if” she saw the girl she thought she knew and recognized once again.

Instantaneously the light filled the room. The mystery of where she was remained because she couldn't see clearly, due to the fact her eyes were still adjusting and she had some hair in front of her face. Moving the hair out of her line of vision she gasped when she saw the familiarity of the honey brown strands. She looked up and started to cry. She was home, back in her room and more importantly back in her own skin. She fell to her knees in gratification, for what she had and what she was. Never finding out how she appeared in Grayson’s room she was still grateful she did. Not only because she got to kiss Grayson, for the few seconds she enjoyed it, but because if she hadn't she would've never realized that if those “what if’s” were true she wouldn't be the same freckled face girl she had loved all along.