She broke me. She ruined me. She destroyed my entire existence. My life as I knew it was over, and it was all my fault. I let her use me, Caitlyn Perri had me wrapped around her finger. The many times she ignored my messages... my calls.. why did I let it continue? Because I loved her. I thought. I don’t even know what love is. She was my first real girlfriend... even though we were never “officially” dating. I sound pathetic, I sound like a girl. I can’t help it. Until this year I had went to a small private school where there were few girls but at least there everyone liked me. I had a place there, I had friends. At my new school I already have enemies. It’s not my fault I care about how I look. I don’t throw my appearance together, but instead I put effort into looking acceptable. I just want people to like me, appreciate me. Never in my life have I felt so alone, so empty, so desperate for someone to call mine. I want love. I want to be loved.  I don’t want to walk the school hallways with fear of harassment from others. I don’t want to always dream about another life, I don’t want to have so many what ifs. What if I had never told her I wanted it to be over, what if I gave one of the clingy girls that flirt with me a chance, what if I had pursued a relationship with Liv, instead of pushing her aside for Caitlyn, what if. I can’t bear thinking about her, Caitlyn. I wouldn’t be able to stand seeing her almost unaffected when I am so hurt. To her, our relationship meant nothing but to me, it was everything. Just thinking about her, it’s hard for me to breathe, hard for me to properly function. I don’t want to understand why I’m so hung up on her. But I know why. She is my person, I mean was. I hastily grab my phone and fumble out a rushed text message. I hit send before I can stop myself.

“Uhh hey.” I sputter, itching the back of my head with my hand as a girl blatantly stares back at me. “So why did you want me to come over...” Liv says blankly. “I honestly don’t know. I guess I thought maybe you would make me happy, make me feel special.” I rush out. “Connor. I liked you. Alot. When the year started I would’ve gladly been the one to be there for you. But I’ve learned my lesson. I really liked you and you pushed me away, laughing at my feelings towards you. You acted like us ever being something was a joke. You were afraid I would damage your possibilities of being popular and well-liked. But look how the tables have turned, after your gorgeous, popular girlfriend didn’t work out, you want me as your rebound. I’m sorry but I won’t be that. You expect me to always be waiting for you. But i’m done.” I can’t believe those words are coming out of her mouth. As sad as it is, everything she’s saying is true. The only reason I asked her to come see me was because without Caitlyn, I wanted, no. I needed a replacement. And I had been expecting Liv to always be there, desperate for a chance at being mine. But I had ruined that. I was too busy worrying about my reputation to have a relationship with a nice girl, that actually respected me. Unlike Caitlyn. I honestly had no idea how to respond to Liv. I couldn’t deny it, and I had nothing left to say. “You should go.” I wrongly spit, my ego crushed. “I’m really sorry I couldn’t be your someone Cole.” Liv replies sadly before standing up, and making her way to the door. I don’t walk her there, I am lost in emptiness. The only person I have left is the only guy at school who likes me, and isn’t afraid of being my friend, even if it means getting crap for it. Michael.  Michael isn’t popular, but he has a fair amount of friends. He’s repeatedly tried to drag me into his friend group filled with the smart but nerdy, soccer loving kids. But I couldn’t connect with any of them. Yes, I played soccer but that was about the only thing we had in common. I was okay with having Michael, as my only real friend as opposed to a bunch of fake ones, like Caitlyn. She tried to force me to like her friends, but they were all only into partying. They didn’t care about actual friendships, only having fun. I scrolled through my small list of contacts on my phone, and paused over Caitlyn’s. How badly I wanted to hear her voice. No, I told myself. We were over, she didn’t care about me. I scroll on, until I find Michael’s name. I hit call, and hold the phone up to my ear. It rings only once or twice before he answers, “Listen Connor unless this is really important I cannot talk right now,” Michael says before I could even open my mouth to speak. “I finally scored a date with Haley and I would way rather be with her currently then talking to you, no offense.” He continues, laughing. “Uh.. good for you Mike.” I stamer, trying to sound happy for him. “Ok thanks Con, I’ll talk to you later.” Michael replied before the line went dead. I let my phone drop onto the couch beside me. I feel jealousy run through my veins. Michael is getting the girl of his dreams, but little does he know, he was my last chance, my last person I had left. I needed my best friend. But like everyone else, he couldn’t be there for me, he had to concentrate on his own life. Now it was just me. I had lost the few people that made my life worth living. Mike was always my support to keep going. Caitlyn my energy to make me feel alive, Liv my backup to catch me when I was down. All of them. Gone. I am alone in the world. I have nothing. I have no one. There is no one nor anything keeping me on this Earth anymore. As long as I can remember, I’ve thought about death. What it would be like to die, to leave the world. Most importantly about who would visit me in the hospital, at my funeral, at my grave many years after. If I had ever went to the counseling sessions my mother insisted I tried, I know what they would say to me. They’d tell me I was depressed. Oh mother. I do not need a paid professional to tell me something I already know. I’ve considered ending my life. How, When, Where. But I never went through with it, because I always knew there was someone who I would hurt if I did. I can’t help it. I think I know what sets me apart from the guys at my school... I care. I genuinely care about how others think of me, and how I treat them. All of the lacrosse and football players that don’t like me, it’s because I care too much. They know that what they say can hurt me, and bringing my ego down, only raised theirs. I guess if I die, I can give them the satisfaction of knowing that what they said, caused me to be how I am. Empty, ready to make a decision that I will never be able to look back from. Before I know it, I am outside, my feet taking me somewhere without my brain fully aware. Once I realize where I am, I also realize why I have brought myself here. I am standing at the tracks. I hear the whistle of the train. I think about how alone I am, how I have no one, and I take a step forward, arms outstretched, greeting my newest friend, death.