Feeling anxious and worried is probably one of the most common feelings in the world, like if you would have a job interview, or if you would be going on your first date, those situations would most likely have you feeling nervous. For me, feeling nervous and anxious is an every day emotion. I think you could say its part of my personality now. I’m always feeling jumpy, so this leads for me to always shake my foot back forth while doing everyday activities. From personal experience, I would definitely say that my antsy behavior keeps me from trying new things and fully communicating with new people. It also makes me extremely worried about unimportant little things, like right now, I’m literally sitting here in my room in the dark thinking about all the bad outcomes every situation in my life could have. “What if tomorrow during my biology presentation I mess up and turn so red that everyone notices and points it out?” “What if people laugh at me?” All of these unpleasant thoughts rushed through my mind as I quickly try to find a solution on how to avoid them.
I’m really considering missing school tomorrow. There’s a moment in between all of my apprehensive thoughts that I think to myself, “How did I ever end up like this?” I have come to the conclusion that this all started back when I was a kid. I started getting small significant flashbacks of my childhood. I was a very shy girl growing up, and I had one big fear. I feared of getting sick because I always was sick.  Since I had asthma I would occasionally get small asthma attacks, and my negative thinking would sometimes trigger them. As time passed on and my mindset and surroundings changed, I started controlling myself and decided that none of that was getting me no where. Also I had entered the 3rd grade and I didn’t want everyone to know me as a worrywart or something.  One of my biggest mistakes back then was not knowing what I really had and not seeking professional help. I used to think that it was normal to feel worried and anxious all the time and I came to a point in which I would ask god why I always had to be unhappy and if it was going to last forever. Now here I am as an eighteen year-old sitting down in my pitch black room and trying to survive from all of my drowning thoughts. I was a big mess. And I knew it.  I just needed a voice, a voice so powerful that could help me overcome the biggest fears I had in life; my thoughts and feelings.
The next day at school was back to reality, and although I was always lost in between my thoughts, something really unexpected happened that day. At school I was Erme, and I was not really popular so no one really knew about me except my group of friends. I was running late so I walked in a fast pace through the crowded hallways, going in between groups of people not recognizing faces. Face after face, I wasn’t paying attention anymore because I was so nervous since I knew I was going to be late and probably locked out of my classroom. As I glance up a I see a pair of perfect shiny green eyes looking at me, accompanied with the most cutest deep dimples I had ever seen. He smiled at me with his white teeth and I shyly looked away. I felt like an idiot at that moment because I realized I was standing in the way of the cutest boy I had seen. I quickly tried moving to the side but we both did it at the same time so we ended up stuck in the same position. I gave him a small grin and finally continued walking as I couldn’t erase the image of his face from my mind.  Those short 15 seconds I stood in front of him had me feeling some type of way, and more confused than ever I stumbled into class relieved and dreamy thinking about the bizarre morning I had just gone through.
As the bell rang I zoomed out of my class with one job in mind: to find the boy with the dreamy eyes. I searched every floor of the building and there was no sign of him. I sadly got on the bus and listened to depressing songs wondering why this boy had me like this. “Why am I overreacting? He probably doesn’t even remember me.” I thought, bringing my hopes down.
That week was a hard one, trying to keep up with all my assignments I almost forgot all about the dreamy eyed boy, until by my surprise, he came to find me. I was standing by my locker, struggling like the usual when I felt a soft tap on my right shoulder. I turn around to meet a perfect face. It was him. “Hey what’s your name?” he asks me. “Why why why is this cute boy talking to a girl like me?!” I think to myself. I almost forgot to answer from staring so hard at him. “Ermelinda”  I respond in a shy tone. There was a short pause.  “Why are we both gazing at each other?” my mind thought. “That’s a pretty name.” “Um thanks” I giggle. “What’s your name?” “Royce” he says confidently. Wow Royce means royal I think to myself with heart eyes. We talked for a while and before leaving he asked for my number. We texted throughout the day and met a couple of times in between classes. He was so charming. Was I really falling for this guy already?
Three months flew by, and I have to say those were the best three months I had had in a while. Of course there was still silent panic breakdowns, as I was going through a stage of confusion and romance. Those past months made me realize Royce was someone special. He wasn’t like the rest of the boys of my age, he was sweet, caring, funny, and most importantly respectful. I knew he liked me by the way he looked at me, and I wondered if he would still feel the same way after I told him about all of my insecurities and problems.
While all of this happened I daily fought with my mom about taking me to see a counselor. She believed that this was all in my head and that I could control how I felt mentally, but the truth was that I couldn’t do it alone anymore. I needed professional help.  This is when I decided that it would be the perfect time to tell Royce how I felt. I set up a “date” with him at a quiet park and I sat down for 2 hours pouring my feelings to him.  I cried and laughed during that time and I felt better than ever. It felt like I had taken down a huge weight off my chest from the past 7 years.
I was filled with joy and happiness when I learned that Royce understood me, and that he was going to be there for me during he whole process of getting better. I also told him that I needed time to fix myself before I made the decision of getting in a relationship, in which he also understood. I was so lucky to have a boy that had my back at everything life could throw at me from that day forward.
My mom finally gave in on taking me to go see a counselor. This was a big step towards me being happy again, but regardless how happy I was feeling, I couldn’t stop the nervous thoughts that popped through my mind. “What if I don’t get better?” ”What if I’m never completely happy with myself?” As I sat in my counselor’s office, I learned all about Anxiety disorders, and all the harm it can do to you if you don’t get help. I was diagnosed with OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder) and social anxiety. It was really tough accepting this at first but as I attended each appointment I slowly felt myself changing, being more optimistic and way more communicative.  Right now, I see everything in a different way and I am in a beautiful relationship with the cutest and most understanding green-eyed boy. Anxiety can make you feel like you’re going through hell in the inside, but the outcome of overcoming it is a new and different light that can change your perspective in life completely.