I wish I could go back to this morning before it all started. Before my life wasn’t just one big question. I was happy. I have many regrets in life but dating Chase won’t be one of them. At least I thought that, until today. Before I get ahead of myself let’s go back to the alarm clock buzzing at 6am. I jolted awake like every morning when the same song that wakes me up every morning blasts at full volume. Even though I almost always give my self a heart attack it does its job. I do my normal routine; brush my teeth, put in my contacts, get dressed straighten my hair, on and on.  But, this morning was abnormally chilly, the irony of my whole day feeling cold. Now, not only metaphorically but also literally. Anyways, I jump in my red jeep and drive my way to school.
As if it’s a normal reaction for me I jab the radio button and listen to music like every morning. After listening to the radio for about eight miles I pull up to Chase’s long driveway. And yes, he does have a car if you were thinking it was odd for their girl friend to pick the guy up. But, we take turns.
Once I pulled up to the driveway I honked the horn three times. Usually Chase comes right to the car; waiting for me. But today, I was just parked on the curb waiting as more time ticked away. I honked three more times, texted, called, but still, no answer. With the fear of being late I pull away and drive on to school, frustrated. A million thoughts are running through my mind but I try not to care, blasting the volume to block out my conscience. I try not to believe in superstitious ---- but I just had a feeling that today wasn’t going to be a good one.
I arrive to school, park my car, and walk up to the sidewalk. I trot along with a weary feeling, still thinking about him. We have lockers near each other so I guess we will talk then. I walk through the two and big sets of doors and head down to my hallway; I spot him, getting his books. A smile of relief appears across my face. I don’t know why I stress myself out so much; he probably just went in early to talk to a teacher. I walk towards him:
“Hey.”
“Hi.”
“I waited at your house. Did you go in early?”
“Oh, yeah”
The bell rings, echoing throughout the halls. Chase flashes me a reassuring smile, which failed to reassure me. He speeds walks away to his homeroom. I guess I will see him at lunch and anatomy last block and see if he is normal by then. The first few blocks speed away in a blurry haze transitioning me to lunch. I meet up with a few friends at my locker, purposely lingering around, but Chase is still a now show. I walk down to the cafeteria and talk to my friends during lunch like any other day. Only, it isn’t because he is not here. About halfway through lunch Chase comes pacing through the cafeteria right up to me. I can just tell by the feeling I get that something is wrong. In a breathy voice he manages:
“Can we talk…?”
I don’t even answer. I just get up and walk out of the cafeteria with him trailing behind me. We walk to some hallway still with people in it, but less crowded. We turn to each other.
“Everything okay?”
Even though I already know the answer. He doesn’t respond. I shoot him a look.
“Look, I have something to tell you, and I know it’s bad. You won’t like it.”
My shoulders slum back, I can feel my heart sink, and the butterflies flying around in my stomach. Except, they aren’t butterflies flying, they’re more like wasps stinging and stinging over and over. But nothing could’ve prepared me for what was about to come out of his mouth:
“I cheated on you.”
I must have heard wrong, I wanted to hear wrong, going deaf would’ve been better than hearing this. But, he is that type of guy though. To honestly tell you that he cheated. He looks at me, waiting for me to explode, like a bomb. But I knew better. I honestly did want to explode, let it all out. But here is what I did. My eyes teared, as if not being able to fit anymore despair, tipping over onto my cheeks shamelessly. I could tell how much it is hurting him that he hurt me. I make out one word:
“Why?”
Not giving him an opportunity to answer I carelessly turn around and walk my way back to lunch. My cheeks are still marked with tears of weakness, and my eyes are piercingly green. (The color they turn when I cry). Looking like a mess, uncaringly, I walk back to the hushed table.
“He cheated on me.”
I say, answering their unspoken question. I turn to the door and there he comes walking in, looking like he just killed a puppy. Our eyes meet and when another tear falls, I get up and walk out. My two close friends, basically brothers, spot me when I walk out the cafeteria. Ironically they’re also friends with Chase.
“What’s wrong?”
“Is it Chase?”
Another tear streams.
“So it is? Do you want me to punch him?”
After having enough of the protective yet friendly interrogation I tell them.
“He cheated on me.”
That seems to be all I can say at the moment. They look to each other and back to me.
“Yeah let’s punch him.”
“Don’t guys, I’m sure he already feels like he’s been punched 50 times.”
“Let’s make it 52.”
I shoot them a look. They know the best thing to do right now is just listen to me. I can just see pity drawn across their faces. Great I think. Now I’m a charity case.
“Is there anyway we can help?”
“I just don’t know. I don’t know why he did it, I don’t know with who, I don’t know when. I don’t even know if I want to know.”
All I can think about is going home; dodging anatomy last block so I don’t have to face him.  Or anyone else for that matter. The best thing right now is to go home and sleep. Sleep is the only way to not think about this. Because if I start to think about it, that will mean wanting to know, wanting to care, wanting to cry.  And I don’t want to care one bit. Not having a thought on my mind about the boyfriend that cheated. Because he doesn’t deserve my thoughts or me. But here’s the problem I do care. I care more than anything in the world. And I can’t stop it. This whole time I have just been staring at the dirty hallway floor standing in front of them two waiting for me to look up, say something. And I do:
“I care but I don’t want to anymore.”
They just look at me, and I turn away once again, not leaving an opportunity for an answer. I guess that’s my thing now. I walk to the nurse’s room dragging my feet loudly and shamelessly tell her I threw up in the bathroom, so I can go home. Even if she didn’t totally buy it, she looks sorry for me too. And she doesn’t even know half of the story, the other half that isn’t written all over my face. So, I drive home in silence, thinking of everything but absolutely nothing at the same time. I am staring at the dull and paved road I’m driving on top of.
Staring directly at it but not really looking at the road. Just looking at nothing really but everything all at once. Thinking of nothing really but also everything all at once. And that is how I ended up here.  Parking my car, walking through the door, walking up the stairs, and into my room. Collapsing on my bed and setting the alarm for once again, a heart attack at 6am.  Before I drift off thinking a million thoughts per second only one question comes to mind. What will happen at school tomorrow?