I can’t form beautiful sentences anymore, it’s as if every person has taken a piece of me with them; with no intention of giving it back?

I’m tired, and I’m so confused. I don’t understand what’s wrong with me. I thought green eyes were endearing, and maybe they are?

maybe that’s why the second boy took the initiative to get a closer look at me?

he had no insecurities, he had no doubt in himself at all?

he was a snake with hazel eyes and he wore them better than an oak tree in the sunlight

his lips tasted like raspberry vodka, his embrace felt like 10 shots later and when he left, I was hungover…. but I lived; the smell of raspberries still leaves me nauseous though?

“But I lived.” This fragmented sentence resonates in my mind months after every bullet to the chest, but that doesn’t make the impact any less painful?

eyes are enough to draw them in, but once a boy takes a look inside my mind they leave

?but the third boy didn’t

?the third boy saw depth in my pupils and he constellated Orion’s Belt in the freckles on my cheeks

?he told me he was in love with me, and that my worth to him would forever be unknown

?and unknown it still is, for when I gave him the opportunity to make a home in my heart he dusted the shelves and rearranged the furniture but decided it wasn’t as beautiful of a home as he originally thought it was and moved out

?I’ve given three boys a shot and three shots multiplied by a dozen have been given to me in forms of vodka and beer and damn, hard drinks are suppose to keep you warm but when it’s 10 degrees with the wind chill and there’s bullet holes through my chest, I couldn’t feel more chilled

?the very idea of intoxicating myself leaves me feeling buzzed, and I thought it was suppose to be all fun and games, or that’s what the first boy taught me?

you would have thought I had known God himself by the way the words spilled from my lips when speaking about this boy?

I really loved him

my friends thought he was arrogant, and that he cared for no one but himself but I always saw where the light was reflected in his dark eyes and when he told me he wanted to be just friends I choked on my regrets and in attempt to vomit out every word he ever said to me, nothing came up and in that moment I realized how empty I really was?

maybe it was in the lack of affection he received, that he slowly crawled back to me?

I remember it had been a seven month gap from the first time I had kissed him to the next, and when his lips met mine for the second time I had never felt so intoxicated

his fingers laced in mine felt like taking seven shots of fireball and his hand in my hair was like drinking Absolute straight from? the bottle and I swear to God I’ve been searching for this same type of buzz ever since him and the only thing that’s ever been able to numb me like his touch has been his absence and the taste of vodka in my throat and I’ll be damned if the tears in my eyes at this moment aren’t made of vodka itself

the third boy thought I had a drinking problem, but God dammit I can’t help that I’ve felt such a void in my chest ever since my heart was broken for the first time and ?that alcohol numbs me to the point where I believe maybe the void is filled; only to wake up in the morning with a headache and violet bruises under my eyes and I promise I want to be different but when I look in the mirror and all I see is a ghost of the person the third boy told me I used to be, it’s hard not to crumble onto the bathroom floor and relive every night I spent in agonizing pain trying to forget the first boy that broke me

God, the first boy had dark eyes and so I’ve been in constant search for bright ones but green and blue eyes have brought me nothing but darkness and when new lips kiss me with desire I believe them so simply even when they give me nothing to believe in?

I was so desperate to get over the first boy that I attached myself to every boy who’s lips grazed my neck and I found myself lonelier than before?

I’m so sick of falling for people and being dropped back onto the cold tile of the bathroom floor and sometimes I wish I could just drown in the bathtub that has been my loyal companion night after night, but instead I just sit staring blankly wondering if I’ll ever be embraced into arms that intend on keeping me around