How would one begin to describe a red apple.Juicy, delicious, shimmery, glistens in the sun, that deep red color and unbelievable taste as you bite in and the juices run down your lips as you chew... How would I describe a red apple, fat, big, food, NO NO NO NO NO. Have you ever looked at an apple and thought that will make me fat, the juices will make me bloat and the skin will add up somehow eventually? I have. My name is Zoe, i'm 17, I attend a prestigious ballet academy, maintain a 4.0 gpa or higher with my studies and i'd say my life is pretty normal, I have a good group of friends and the best boyfriend anyone could ask for but what people don't know is I suffer from anorexia.

You see the reality was as dancers, you only get one shot. We all played a sport that was well very opinionated. As you step on the stage you have 2 minutes to show them what you can do. If you fall, you’re out, if you don't point your feet, you're out, if you leg does not extend, you're out and even if a finger isn't in the exact right position, YOU’RE OUT. We train more than 60 hours a week, put our bodies in positions they shouldn't go in and you get two minutes and even if you did everything right, they can still just not like you. The audition was coming soon and I could already feel the butterflies in my stomach or maybe that was the hunger. It wasn’t that I didn’t like to eat and yet sometimes I did eat but with the audition coming up in less than a week it was crunch time and I knew they were looking for. They are looking for what considered the “ “ballerina body.” No boobs, little butt, no stomach, and long skinny legs. Unfortunately I was not blessed with this body naturally. Besides the long legs thank goodness because you can't alter that.

As class began we all stood at the barré prepared for the pianist to begin playing so we could begin our exercises, every day it was the same thing we woke up at 6:00am got ready in our pink tights, black leotards, and perfect slicked back bun hair,  and by 7.30 we were at the barré doing the same 20 exercises we did everyday to the same music we heard everyday. Don’t get me wrong I loved what I did, Ballet was certainly my passion and I wouldn’t want to do anything else with my life but I could help but feeling as though my days were very repetitive.
Lunch came, and today I ate some saltine crackers, usually if I ate saltines were it cause they hardly made you gain any weight and filled you up very quickly so this way I ate less. The show was now less than A days away and I couldn’t help but get butterflies in my stomach.  I had so much ambition for such a little thing. Every night when all the girls would go to bed I would sneak down to studio D, which was hidden in mists of all the rooms, I put my headphones in so no one could hear, and i'd practice until the wee hours. If I ever got caught I could be disqualified for not obeying orders,lights out by eleven, but I couldn't help myself. I had to win, it had been my dream since I was 2 and could enter the academy. As soon as you were potty trained you could enter and that precisely what my parents did. You see, As little girls we knew nothing different, we did as we were told and never disobeyed what we were told. Every morning the alarms in the building would sound with the classical music from the many ballets produced by the one and only Ballenciene. The music was soft and quiet at first but as the music would grow on it produced this sound of power and you could envision the danseur jumping and leaping across the stage getting miraculous height into the air, almost breathe taking. It was everything that we aspired to be but as we got older we became those people and the little girls now wanted to be us so we didn't feel as though we had to listen as much. Therefore, I felt as though sneaking into studio D wasn't that bad, I mean I just wanted to practice. 

The day was here, It was the day of the competition, I had stayed up all night trying to perfect my routine but all that didn’t matter now. All that mattered was when I stepped out onto that stage and of course the two minutes after that. We still had class that day and so we did our barré exercises and warmed up by stretching our splits but today everyone got to show their routine so that we got one last final critic before stepping in front of the judges. This was my favorite part because I loved to see what other people had been given for a routine and how the teacher played to their strengths and most of all I loved costumes. There were sparkly ones and dull ones and two pieces and one pieces and skirts and short but everyone had something unique about it that suited every girl and boy perfectly. Finally it was my turn to go and as I stood up I felt a little dizzy but I quickly ignored it for it was probably just because I hadn't eaten this morning. As I went the teacher had a smile on her face and it was a great relief sense this very rarely happened. My two minutes were up and I couldn't wait to sit down I felt so dizzy. I watched other girls go until it was lunch time and again i ate saltine crackers. After lunch I found myself in the bathroom stall puking them up, although I did not usually do this today I felt the need because I had to look perfect in my two piece they could see every outline of my body and if anything was wrong they wouldn’t award me with the scholarship.

Once I got ready I went downstairs to enter backstage and as I waited to go there was only fear inside me, the time had come, I watched the girl before me go and I couldn't help but notice how good she was. Her song finished. It was my turn, as I stepped out and waited for my song to play I couldn't help but notice all the lights beating upon me, so warm, like a summer's day. The music played and I began to dance making every move ever so cautiously. Making sure to point my feet as hard as they could go and stretching my legs as much as I could. The song was almost over but I had one more move to complete. The hardest move given to me so that I would end with a bang and the judges could never forget me. My turn sequence. As I prepared I prayed to the dance gods that they go well. I began to turn and everything was going perfect until suddenly I began to feel dizzy, I kept going but before I knew it I feel to the ground and blacked out.

The next thing I knew I woke up in the hospital bed to a doctor telling my mom and dad that I had fallen from lack of eating. As I lie there I could help but think if only I had gotten help. I could've won that scholarship but I let the numbers on a scale determine my destiny. Eating disorders deteriorate and kill your dreams. I closed my eyes and fell back asleep.