I sit in my happy place. My house is down a backroad, facing the riverside and sits upon a cliff. I loved to sit near the edge and just look down into the river. I watch the water smash into the brown rocks and turn white. The continuity of the river puts a smile on my face. I know that in my lifetime the river will never change. But as I sit here today the river was different. More still than I had ever seen it. The river was almost as sad as I was.
I stand up at place my toes over the edge and I look down. I remember being baptised in this river. I was six years old. I remember our pastor dipped me under the water in one swift motion. I remember the sunlight spreading out when I was underneath the water. I felt the rush of the water under me. I felt as though the river was my friend. When I came up from underneath the water my congregation cheered and everyone watched me with uniform smiles. I remember this as I stare down at the rocks. After the last few week I needed a my friend and nobody else. I was living in a hell designed by those who were meant to love me.
  I put one foot forward off of the edge of the cliff and lean towards the water. As I descend, I think about how after I reached to bottom, the soul of Sam Lewis would cease to exist.
My world changed a month ago, on the first day of the eleventh grade. East River high school was the same as it always was. I spotted my varsity football friends and sat with them. Said the usually hellos and “how was your summer?”.I hung out with them so that I didn’t look as though I was a loner. As one of the varsity players a gathered the attention of the kids at my school. Not as much as my friends. I liked it that way. Staying in the background behind them. The first bell rang and I headed to Mrs. Simmons english class. I was surrounded by all of the athletes who I called my friends. Sometimes I swear I hated them. All they talked about was girls and football.

“Yo, I heard Kayla and Tyler are dating” said Kyle while messing with his twitter
“Which Kayla?” Brendon asked
“Kayla with the big ass”
“Ew she ain’t even cute, why does Tyler want her?”
“She’s a hoe, why else do you think he wants her?”

Their useless conversation continued for a few minutes.This is the kind of crap I heard every day. Kyle is the guy that everybody hates but nobody acts like it. They know his dad is rich and that they can get free rides and free food from him. Kyle is the boy that all of the girls like. I swear every time i saw him he was screwing a new girl. I wasn’t about that life. I figured that those girls would regret those decisions someday and didn’t want to be a part of that .
I was headed  down the stairs on the way to class when I saw him. He was tall with brown curly hair and striking blue eyes. I wasn’t expecting him but I looked up from the floor for that one second for our eyes to meet. Sometimes I don’t know if that moment was the greatest blessing of my life or the worst thing that had ever happened. I knew that Dylan Perody was going to change my world.
“Um, excuse me? Do you know where this classroom is?” He asked and handed me a crumpled up schedule and pointed to the room number.
“It’s right next to my class let me show you.”
My hand began to shake because meeting new people, especially guys was hard. I always felt like they could see through me and know my secret.
When I went to talk to my Dylan, I had separated from my friends so I could have a conversation with him
“So where you from?” I asked
“Florida” He said
“Good luck, it really cold up here in the winter”
That was the path that our first conversation had taken, we talked about the freaking weather like middle aged coworkers. I thought he would think that I was strange because I appeared to be the least interesting person around. But that wasn’t what happened.

“Hey I have been getting lost around here, You want to give me your number so I don’t get lost again?” He asked with a sly smile
“Um, sure” I took out my phone and we put each other's number in our phones.
I know that he knew what I was, because he was just like me. He knew that I was gay from the moment he look at me and he knew because he was like me. He wasn’t hidden like me though, he would tell people if you asked. He knew without me having to tell him which was something that everyone else couldn’t see.
I breezed through the rest of the day easily. Until football practice. I went into the locker room that I dreaded. Being my closeted gay self, being thrown into a room of half naked football players was a struggle that I faced everyday. I always stared into the wall trying to avert my eyes away from my surroundings. But at the time it was better for my team not to know than to know how I felt.  I told myself that I would wait until after college. I was getting a football scholarship to go to Virginia Baptist University. I wanted to wait until after college to come out because if I came out now I would have to worry about VBU taking back the money.
After practice I headed home and had dinner with my family. We were what everybody expected us to be. Two blond hair white parents with one blond hair white child. We went to church every sunday and my parents were diehard republicans. Especially my dad. He was the chief of staff to a Virginia Republican Senator. My dad was going to be running for the house of representatives at the National level next year so me and my mother were to be a vision of All-American perfection.
“So Sam how was school.” My dad spoke to me without looking up from his plate to cut his food
“It was fine” I mumbled
“Did you talk to Brenda today?” He asked
“No.”
“Well you should”
He was dying for me to date Brenda. She was the daughter of a former senator and was a sophomore at my school. I swear my parents would have made me marry her if they could. It would be perfect to them. She was the kind of girl that I was supposed to be with.
“Dad can we please drop it, I don’t want to be with her”
“It would really help my campaign if I had the endorsement of her dad.” All he cared about was this election. He was trying to become friends with everyone in central Virginia. I just wanted it to go away. It was taking a toll on my once fun loving mother, and turned her into a woman who hides behind my dad and smiles without saying a word. She rarely ever spoke.
I crawled into my bed and texted Dylan

Sam:hey
Dylan: hey what’s up?
Sam: nothing just ate
Dylan: I just came home from the eye doctor to make sure the got    all of the record from the old office
Sam: What is wrong with your eyes?
Dylan: Nothing I just have bad vision, and I wear contacts.    I used to wear glasses but i hated them.
Sam: I mean you have such nice eyes why would you cover them   with glasses
Dylan: :) :) :)

I shouldn’t have said that. I clearly flirted with him which is what I knew I was not supposed to be doing. I was jeopardizing every opportunity that I had, but I just could stop it. I texted him every night for that week. Until he asked me to come over. I told my mom that he was just a friend and they obviously believed it. He lived in a little apartment with his mom. She wasn’t home the first time I went. His room was dotted with gay pride memorabilia. A rainbow flag hung behind his bed. If only I couldn’t be a prideful as he was. I was ashamed of who I was.

“Hey can I ask you something?” He asked me with an uncertain voice
“Sure” I say without actually being sure
“Does everybody know that you're gay?”
“I’m not gay” I said with a stern voice
“I’m not going to tell”
“You can’t tell anybody.”
I honestly believed him at that moment. I didn’t think that he could he tell me a lie. But that is what he did.
I we just laid down on his bed and talked for hours. That is when I laid a kiss on him. I had the opportunity to find love. The was when I made the dumbest decision of my life. I let him take a picture of us kissing so he could send it to his friends in florida. I figured it would be kept at a distance.
Nothing happened for about a week. Life as usual. Until Monday. That dreaded monday where my life changed. Dylan posted the picture on instagram. I could tell that everybody knew when I walked into the school. Everybody stared at me. I sat down at the table with Brendan and Kyle and they told me what was up.

“So how long have you been a sweet boy” Said Brendon
“I don’t know what you mean” I said knowing exactly what he meant
“Yes you do” He pulled out his phone to show me the post
That was clearly me in the picture. Kyle just sat there and stared not knowing what to say. I got up from the table and dashed to class. I saw Dylan from the other end of the hall

“Dylan, what the hell!!!” I was fuming. I didn’t think he understood what he just did. My life was going to be over after this. Literally and figuratively. My father would lose his campaign, I would lose my football scholarship. Everything would be gone.

            “It's not that big of a deal everybody knows about me”
“that doesn't mean you can tell people my secrets Dylan”

      I ran out of the school building and dashed to my car. I couldn't stand to be there another minute. I drove home and walked up to my happy place of the edge of the cliff.