I woke up in a small bed with many devices attached to me. Drowsily, my eyes opened and surveyed the scene before me. White walls, one chair in the corner of the room, an IV, I realized I was in a hospital. But why, why would I be in a hospital? I looked down at my body covered in bruises and my memory slowly started to come back to me.

I had jumped off of the roof of my dorm. The same roof I had shared that night with Eddie. It was around midnight on Thursday and campus was beginning to quiet down. Many were holed up in their rooms cramming for exams. Many were ignoring that and sleeping. But I, I was up on that roof, making the worst decision of my life. I sat on the edge of the building and thought over my reasoning. I had lost interest in everything. I saw my life scattered around me, the pieces just out of reach. 

Perched on the side of the roof, I faced an internal battle. Do I jump, or do I not? My head was screaming both yes and no and my body was swamped with emotion. I had felt this way this for far too long. So I made my decision. I stood up on the roof, I looked into the endless black night and I jumped.

The fall seemed timeless. It felt as if I was falling for ages. As I fell, my memories glided through my mind and displayed so vividly as if they were in a personal movie. But the funny thing is, all of them were moments I had overlooked before I jumped, moments that were to be remembered, happy moments. When Laila and I spilled beer all over the couch and laughed it off, the time Kate and I had a jam session to Destiny’s Child, my moment with Eddie on that same roof. Friends and family blended together in a whirlpool of pleasant memories that served as the reason for my life. I had thought about them too late. That was the last thought to cross my mind before I hit the ground and everything became black.

“You’re awake!” I turned to see Kate coming in through the door.
“Yeah, yeah I am,” I replied.
“Do you remember what happened?” Kate softly asked.
“I remember jumping but then I blanked out.” I honestly said.

“Well, you took a hard fall but you survived. You were unconscious when I found you. I want you to know that I’m here for you if you need anything. A friend, a companion, anything. I’m here for you,” she said as she took my hand as squeezed it. I looked into her eyes and knew she meant it sincerely.

Before I could respond, the door opened and a blonde man wearing a white coat walked in.

“Hi Zara, I’m Dr. Spencer,” he said. He then turned and asked Kate to step out of the room for a minute. She gave my hand one last reassuring squeeze before she departed the room.

“Zara, you’ve broken four bones and bruised many parts of your body, where are you feeling pain?” he asked immediately.

“My ribs and hips hurt and my right ankle is terribly paining,” I honestly said.

He wrote something down on his notepad and asked “Now Zara, do you know how you got here?” he breached the subject very cautiously.

“Yes I do. I jumped off of my dorm building,” I answered.

“And do you know why you jumped? Were you pushed? Did you fall?”

I took a deep breath and said, “I jumped in an attempt to end my own life.”

“I see, and how do you feel now that you survived the attempt,” he posed to me.

“I… I feel grateful I’ve been given a second chance,” I said, though the words felt fake in my mouth.

He wrote some more down and told me he’d be right back with someone else and then promptly left the room.

How did I feel? I was sitting here with multiple broken bones and bruises covering my body. And then it hit me. I had tried to kill myself.

The opening of the door snapped me out of my thoughts. Dr. Spencer was back, and he had a woman by his side.

“Zara, this is Dr. Alvarez. She’s here to help you understand what happened and how to progress forward,” Dr. Spencer said as he left the two of us alone.

“Hi Zara. I’m a psychologist and I work specifically with college students,” she warmly said to me. There was something about her that made be comfortable and at ease.

“To begin, can you tell me what you remember from the night you jumped?” she started off.

I debated what to tell her. She seemed friendly and I knew I needed help. But she couldn't possibly understand. Could she? It was worth a shot right? I decided to tell her everything.

“I had gone up to the roof with every intention of jumping. I sat on the edge for a while, thinking about everything that had been going on. I swayed back and forth on whether I should jump or not and then finally, I stood up and leapt.”

She noted something on her paper and then looked up. “Do you know why you jumped? Had you been feeling depressed or sad lately?”

I thought about it for a while and then divulged the entire story to her. “I guess it started when I came to America and began college.” I told her about the incident with the boys, about feeling isolated, the parties, and the general idea of not fitting in.

After I had finished talking, she told me that I have depression.

I was shocked. Me? Depression? As far as I knew, there was no such thing in my family. It wasn’t something I grew up around, or grew up acknowledging. It just didn’t happen to people like me. This was something completely new to me. Although it was shocking, it was also relieving. To put a name to the feelings I had been having for so long was satisfying. At least now I had an answer. I wasn’t just blindly feeling this way with no direction or path to figure out how to improve it.

Dr. Alvarez gave me a list of options on how to deal with my depression. Many of them included seeing a psychologist at least once a week. She offered to see me herself. I told her I’d think about it.
“Take your time. Things like this require time to process. Think it over and whenever you make a decision, just tell a nurse and they’ll get me,” she said with a reassuring smile. “You’re a strong girl. You’ll get through this.”

Just as she left the room, someone else walked in. It was Eddie.

“Hey, how are you feeling,” he asked, obviously concerned.

“Truthfully, in a lot of pain,” I answered.

“Well, I hope some flowers might alleviate a little of the pain,” he said as he pulled a bouquet of roses out from behind his back.

“Oh, Eddie, thank you so much. That’s so thoughtful of you,” I said as I smelled the fresh and lovely scent of the flowers.

“I have to run to class, but I want you to know that I’m here for you. I’ll be by your side for whatever you need.”

“Thank you, it means a lot,” I said as I smiled up at him. He headed for the door, but before he left, he looked back at me and gave me a goofy grin. I couldn't help but break out into a huge smile. As the door closed I smelled the roses once more, the smile still on my face.

After Eddie left, I had time to think over everything Dr. Alvarez had said. I had no idea how I was going to tell my family, but I knew I needed to do this. I chose my option and told the next nurse that entered my room to change my bandages. Dr. Alvarez came in not long after. I notified her of my decision to have her as my psychologist and said I was ready to begin.

And so, I entered my new journey on the road to recovery.