The night that changed everything for Mariah was the third night of summer. Mariah and I had just graduated from our dreaded high school three days earlier. My name is Olivia, and I was, and will always be,  Mariah’s best friend. I can still remember the night so vividly, every single thing that happened that night will forever be burned into both of our minds. We were standing front row to a concert on a beach so unpopular in North Carolina it didn't even have a name. It was only a block away from our houses, and our friend Shelby had suggested we go considering our summer started off extremely boring. We had no idea who the band was, but we also didn’t care. This wasn’t just surviving in this world, this was living. We danced, we laughed, and didn’t have a care in the world, as if we had never felt an ounce of pain. We were with all of our friends that we probably wouldn’t keep in touch with in the future, celebrating our survival of hardest four years any of us had ever experienced.  This would be the last chance that summer would ever be like this for Mariah and I.
I remember so clearly, as if I was right in front of her now, her standing there, not a care in the world. She was dancing to the band we didn’t know, as all of us were. She would always remember the song that was playing, the song that was stopped halfway through because of all the commotion. She turned to me and yelled that this was the moment that would start the rest of her life. She said she didn’t ever want to be any less happy than she was that night again. She turned around to kiss the boy she was so madly, and deeply in love with at the time, Brandon. Time stopped-- everything was in slow motion. The outside world no longer existed in her eyes. I walked away to get another drink, and the following 20 minutes were a complete blur for me. That was the last time that she would ever see me again. She was so lost in her world with Brandon that nothing could break down the walls that trapped her in those moments. Nothing but the sound of a gunshot, the gunshot. The one that flipped both of our worlds upside down forever.
I was dead. No one was positive that I was yet, not even I was sure what had just happened.  People started surrounding my body, trying to help. The music stopped and everyone was looking in the direction of me with horrified expressions on their faces. The blood was seeping into my light blue shirt too quick, and I was gone. I didn't feel anything, I was completely numb, and I couldn’t move. Our friend Shelby was screaming Mariah's name over and over with tears running down her cheeks quicker than a waterfall. Her voice was scratchy and the words weren’t even coming out. The sound of her blood curdling cries will forever scar me, I never knew it was possible for one person to express the pain of hundreds. Mariah appeared from the cluster of people, she was pushing and shoving, and she was terrified because she had no idea what was actually happening.
At first people were yelling and panicking, and others were on the phone with operators saying that somebody had been shot and they needed an ambulance immediately. All of the noise died after everyone was sure that there would be an ambulance arriving soon, and all anyone could  hear were the waves crashing onto the shore, the sobs coming from Mariah, and Shelby crying with her. I don’t know if anyone had known if I was actually dead or not, but many people still were holding on to the hope of it. Every ounce of happiness was drained from Mariah’s body the moment she saw me, her brown eyes had never looked so sad no matter how many times they could have. I didn’t realize that I was watching from above until everyone had calmed down. I watched my best friend sit on the sand with my dead body embraced it her arms, crying over top of me. There was blood all over her naturally tan skin and her white tank top from leaning against me, and from her trying to stop the bleeding from my wound.
I left her in our world alone, it was now only her world. I could no longer help her get through this cruel life anymore. I started to panic when I realized that I was no longer going to reconnect with my body, ever. I didn’t know where I was going to go, but all I knew was that I didn’t want to leave my best friend going through life alone, especially her life alone. Mariah had a house, but not a home. Mariah had guardians, but not parents. Her dad was abusive, and he had an extremely bad drinking problem, most times his sudden rages would be taken out on Mariah. Her mother was too scared to ever actually ever do anything. I hated her for that. She had a little sister who was three years old, her name was Phoebe. Mariah protected her, and loved her more than anyone. Mariah would pick up her little sister, and run to my house most nights when she knew her father was drunk. My parents didn’t exactly care too much because they too often were not home, my brother Chase knew that our home was the only safe place they could go to, so he allowed them to come over. Where would she go now that I was gone? Those were all of my thoughts as the ambulance rushed me to the hospital. I still don't know why they rushed me, I was already dead, and they knew that.
She had nowhere to go to escape her life anymore. Month by month her depression got worse. Most days she didn’t even make it out of bed, which made her father even more angry sometimes. I saw it all from above. How she would just lay there and hold back the tears until her father left her alone. Then she would whisper things as if I was sitting right in front of her, I don’t think she ever realized that I always was right in front of her, every moment I was there. The only person she ever wanted to see was Phoebe, and whenever Phoebe walked in she would ask, “Sissy what’s wrong?” and every time Mariah would respond with,“Nothing Phebes, I’m just missing someone. Can I have a hug?”
At the sixth month marking of my death they found out who had killed me. It had taken that long for them to find who did it, despite the amount of witnesses no one had seen. A certain heaviness was lifted from her eyes, there was no more anger in them, just sadness. His name was Cole Rian. He was sentenced to a lifetime in prison- apparently there were other reasons on top of my murder, but I can’t seem to remember what they were. From that day forward she started to pull herself out of bed, she still didn’t do much. Most days she would go to sit in the exact place where she held my body that night, or she’d go to my house to visit my family and see how they were holding up, my parents retired early, they couldn’t work anymore. After that she’d come home and go through the pictures of us next to her bed repeatedly.
Her dad had an anger outbreak on the morning of what would have been my 18th birthday. There was no real reason this time for his sudden rage, not that there ever was. He almost hit Phoebe, Mariah heard her mom crying and yelling from upstairs. She ran downstairs and blocked the hit, she tried to hold it in, but she couldn’t help but let out a cry from the pain the strike had caused. She grabbed her little sister and ran upstairs to pack as much stuff for her as she could. She packed everything she owned for herself, grabbed her car keys and put Phoebe in the car.
They had bought a bouquet of flowers at the supermarket a block away for my grave. I had completely forgot after the whole incident that it was even my birthday. Mariah stopped the car in the parking lot and bawled on the steering wheel of the car. She pulled herself together after about 20 minutes of crying, and let Phoebe out of the car. They walked to my grave and stayed there for a while; even Phoebe being only three years old understood the sadness of it all. She hugged her big sister and they walked back to the car silently.
That night they didn’t go home. Mariah drove all night to her grandparents house on the other side of the state. Mariah walked in and told her grandparents what would happen if they let Phoebe go home without Mariah being there. Mariah handed them Phoebe’s bags, kissed Phoebe, told her grandparents that phoebe was not to go back with her dad being there, and left. That was the last time anyone saw her for a while. I went everywhere she went, and later on that night I found us sitting in a dark motel room as the rain was pouring down outside. Everything was silent, until she blurted out something.
“I know you’re there, Olivia. You always have been. That doesn’t change the pain that everyday brings without you here. I know you, and I know that you’re feeling guilty, thinking everything's your fault, but it's not. I’m completely alone now, please don’t leave me.” Tears were running down her face, and once she finished she started bawling.
“I won’t.” I promised out loud to myself.
***
We were 22 when I had disappeared out of Mariah’s life. I had no idea where I went, I still can’t remember anything from the place I went to. I was suddenly back in her world again, in a house with a short, dark brown haired woman. She was laying on the floor with her son and daughter laughing hysterically. I couldn’t figure out why I was here, back in this world, in a stranger's home. The woman turned over to her back, before she had been laying on her stomach. She flashed a smile in my direction, I knew who it was immediately.
“Mariah?” I said stunned.
The woman stopped smiling and her whole body seized up, I could have sworn that she was looking directly at me this time. She stood up, she wasn’t laughing anymore. She looked so different, but at the same time she looked just as she always had. I missed her so much. I hadn’t seen her for years, but she looked so happy, happier than she’s ever been. 
“What's wrong Momma?” the little blonde haired girl asked.
“Oh, nothing, Sweetie. I thought I heard something. Let’s go make some lunch.” Mariah said this casually, but I could tell that she was still freaked out.
I followed them to the kitchen and looked around trying to find information about Mariah’s new life. I found a family picture which contained a husband, and her 2 kids. I roamed all around their house trying to figure out more about them, like how old everyone was now, who her husband was, and what the kids names were. I found out now that Mariah is 37 years old, I had been gone 15 years, and I don't have a single memory for all of that time. Her husband is 38 and his name is Derek, I noticed he wasn’t home. The daughter is seven, the son is four and their names are Hazel and Jake. I now noticed that Jake has Mariahs same facial structure, and I could tell from pictures that Hazel looked just like her father. I’m not sure what the town was called, but I knew that they lived somewhere in northern California, across the country from where we grew up. I had so many questions to ask her, but I didn’t know how. I wanted to ask her about the Christmas card signed from her mother and sister, but not her father. I wanted to ask her how she met this guy named Derek. Most of all I wanted to know if she was she truly happy, Did she still even think of me?
I watched her put her children to bed around 9 o’clock. She was so good with them, she had always dreamed about what her kids would be like. It was only when she was sitting in her room reading a book that I realized she knew that I was back.
“I know that I heard you in the living room today” she said without even taking her eyes away from the book. “I know that you probably have a lot of questions. I’ve written you a letter every single day since the day you died. It explains everything that’s happened in my life from then until now. I know you won't be able to ever read them, but I just thou-” she cut herself off and tears were now filling her eyes in quickly, and her voice was starting to quiver. She was going to explain to me everything that I had missed in her life.
“That night that I told you needed to move on you did, and I was happy that finally you could be at peace. I was in an ok place, I had an apartment and a good job. We were 22 ( if you don’t remember). I met Derek when I was 25 at a cafe in the town right next to us, and we fell in love. I was instantly comfortable with him, and I knew that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. You would like him. He proposed to me when I was 27, at the cafe we met at. I got pregnant with Hazel when I was 29, and I had jake when I was 34. I’ve never loved anyone more than I love my kids, and they make me happier than anyone ever has.”
“I called my grandparents one day and I found out that my mother had left my father, and he was in jail for domestic violence, Phoebe was finally safe. I bought a plane ticket to visit them quite a few years ago. Phoebe is this amazing, intelligent girl now, I talk to her almost everyday. My life is nearly perfect, I mean no life is ever truly perfect. I’m beyond happy, and grateful, which is why I’m glad you showed up.
“I miss you more than words could explain. You have, and always will be, my one true best friend. I’m happy now and I need for you to be, too. I know that you’ve never truly moved on to what comes next for you, because of me. I know you weren’t here for years, but I know that you weren’t exactly there either” she was crying now. “This time I need you to let go of me for good. I need you to move on to where you belong, which is not in this world anymore. That doesn’t mean that it won’t break my heart to not have you here anymore, but I can’t live knowing that you aren’t happy because I’m too selfish to let you go. So please, Olivia, I’m begging you to let me go for good this time. I need you to be happy now” She was bawling, tears were streaming down her face one after another.
I knew that she was right, I was and never would be happy trapped between where she belonged and where I belonged. She was happy, the only thing preventing me from moving on forever was not knowing if she was happy or not. She is happy now. So, on that night I moved on to where I needed to be. I’m always looking down on her, I’m always going to be, but I was happy now too.
***
Letting go of Olivia was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. I was being selfish trying to keep her around all of those years, I knew that she wouldn’t leave me if I didn’t want her to, and I took advantage of that. I was depriving her of her happiness while trying to keep my own. She was my best friend, my sister, and my safe place, when she died, my whole world was flipped upside down and twisted in too many ways. I was happy now, and she needed to be too.
I started thinking about telling her to move on when I got my Job in California. I was in a good place, so I told her that’d I’d be ok without her. She left, but she never really did leave. She would be there sometimes I knew, but only sometimes. I knew that if I didn’t tell her to move on then she would stay with me forever because not only was she a big part of my life, but I was a big part of hers. She was going into a whole new world that she knew nothing about. She was just as scared as I was, and still am.
I cried myself to sleep the night that she left for good because I knew that it was finally over, she was finally gone. I never got much sleep with Derek away for work, anyway. I had never experienced that much pain before, the pain that I got from knowing that she was completely gone. The day she died I knew that she was still there with me, somehow, no matter how crazy it sounds. I looked through the pictures that I’ve had next to my bed since the day she died about a thousand times. I wrote her another letter that she will never get to read, and I cried until I had no more tears left to cry.
“Momma? Why are you so sad?” I heard the careful, sweet voice from my doorway. I wiped my tears quickly to try and hide my immense sadness.
“Oh it’s nothing sweetie, I’m just missing someone. Why are you awake?”
“I miss daddy too.” She walked over to me, climbed in my bed, and hugged me. It was useless trying to hold back the tears anymore, so I let them out. I cried and cried, still quiet enough not to wake Jake, and somewhere in that awful night I drifted off to sleep with my little girl in my arms.
I woke up, went downstairs, and made breakfast just like I did every morning. The kids came running down the stairs with their sweet smiles on their faces, and I was once again reminded how fortunate it was that my life turned out the way it did. I heard the house phone ring so I ran over to answer it, it was Olivia’s mom.
“Hey Jo-” I was cut off before I could even finish my greeting.
“Mariah, there is a man here. He claims he has my grandchild” She was serious and I could hear the panic in her voice. I forgot to even breathe until she started talking again. “He said it’s Olivia’s child and he has pictures with Olivia before she died” she was crying and speaking so fast I could barely make out what she was saying.
“Joan, slow down” I said trying to calm her down some. “I just need to call Derek to come home for the kids, and then I’ll be on the first flight out there.” The call ended quickly, and I immediately called Derek to explain, he said that it was no problem because he needed a break anyways. I ran upstairs to pack my bags, I had to be at the airport in an hour. I called the babysitter to watch the kids until Derek got home, and I left. Before I knew it I was boarding the plane, and then the plane took off. In a few short hours I arrived at four o’clock in the afternoon.
Driving through my hometown seemed to be going in slow motion, looking at all of the places I used to go with Olivia, seeing people on the street and recognizing them. I passed the ice cream place that we would sit down in for hours every afternoon, and I couldn’t help but stop. I got what I have gotten ever since we discovered the tiny place, chocolate chip cookie dough. The smell alone tied my thoughts into a knot and when I tasted it, I shut my eyes. When I opened them I was for some reason expecting to see my best friend right in front of me. The pain of my disappointment felt like a shot to my chest, I wasn’t strong enough to do this. I reached my car, just barely, and sat inside and broke down. This was harder than it was a few years ago. Everywhere I look I can see her walking or talking or simply just being there, even when I know she never will be again. I know that I will never be strong enough to accept that. I continued my drive through town, and It seemed as if I was brought back to 20 years ago- being 17 again. Time resumed back to normal the minute Olivia’s mom met me at the driver’s side door. She was urging me to step out of the car, so I did. Both of my feet hit the smooth pavement and I turned around. I was greeted by Olivia’s long silky dirty blonde hair, with that classic smile. She was standing right in front of me, 20 years old, the age she never lived to be. Tears started to burn my cheeks, I ran up and grabbed Olivia as hard as I could.
“Olivia I had this terrible dream last ni-” I was once again cut off, this time I did it to myself. Olivia’s death was not a dream, but how was she standing right in front of me then? I let go quickly once I snapped back into reality and turned around to face Olivia’s mother’s saddened face.
“Mariah this is Grace, Olivia’s daughter” I suddenly felt dizzy and my mouth dropped open. I was hit with a million flashbacks at once, particularly the month leading up to Olivia’s death. She was putting on a barely noticeable amount of weight, she wasn’t drinking at all, and she was throwing up a lot in the mornings. I looked at the man standing a little far off, his name was Mason. I remembered him so clearly now, he was Olivia’s boyfriend, but I had to idea that they were even that serious at the time.
“Why only now did you come to find us?” I was talking to Mason now. “You didn’t think to tell us that she had a kid, or you didn’t think to even let us be apart of her life?” I was angry now, he had kept one of the last parts of Olivia away from us for 20 years.
“Why didn’t the doctors tell us about this?” I asked Joan infuriated, and confused to why I only knew about Grace 20 years later.
“Honey, I’m not sure. They even might have but we were so overwhelmed that day that maybe we didn’t hear it, and me and Olivia’s father weren’t there right away, maybe Mason got there first and since he’s the father they didn’t feel the need to tell us.
“But they should have! I would have had a permanent piece of her for all of this time!” I was crying in front of everyone now.
“I will explain everything to you Mariah, just please come inside and let me explain. I want to know about my mother, I want to know everything from you.” Grace was quiet up until that moment. I hugged her, still thinking that it was Olivia somehow. We walked inside to learn everything about one of the last living parts of Olivia.
We sat in Olivia’s living room for hours. By the time Grace and Mason had left, me and Joan were still stuck with so many questions. She was so much like Olivia it was like we had just seen a ghost. Mason along with Grace had explained a lot, but not everything. Why did they only appear now?
He started off by telling us about how he had arrived to the hospital soon, even before any of her immediate family were notified. He was apparently already in the hospital for his cousin who had gotten in a car accident earlier that night, so when he saw Olivia’s body be rushed into the hospital, he was terrified. He followed the doctors, asking questions, trying to figure out what had happened. The doctors said that they couldn’t give any information to someone who wasn’t family, that’s when he introduced himself as her fiance, of course at the time that wasn’t true. He was in love with Olivia he admitted, he wanted to be with her forever, even if he was only 20 years old at the time and if he knew she was pregnant at the time he was sure he would have proposed. They had not known that she was pregnant at all, “not even Olivia had been aware then she was pregnant with our twin girls.”
“Wait” I said with my jaw almost to the floor. “She had...twins growing inside of her?”
He gave me a saddened look and then said he need to continue on with the story to explain. She was clearly dead Mason explained, so he asked what more they were trying to do, that’s when they broke the news to him that he was a father. He said that he could never forget what the surgeon’s said.
“Sir, you need to calm down, we are trying to save the two baby girls inside of her, they have a chance of surviving.” He explained that he was frantic and yelling and that is what struck him, his life changed forever with that one sentence. He calmed down immediately he said. He was a father. Before that night he had never planned on being a father, he had never been more terrified and scared in his life. Mason explained that having Grace was the best thing that had ever happened to him, he couldn’t see life without her.
“What happened to the other girl?” I said rushing the story a little.
In the end they were only able to save one of the babies, Grace. He was devastated and admitted that he was a horrible person believing that maybe it was a good thing because he couldn’t handle raising two babies by himself. He explained that this Grace was his child, and she was his main priority. She was a part of him. He could never be one of those parents that just abandons their child.. That’s when Joan burst into tears because she was one of those parents. She regretted never being home, and missing her daughter grow up. She never got the chance to fix her mistake and be a present mother.
“I want to learn about my mother, everything. That’s why I’m here now.” Grace said with saddened eyes looking at me and then to the floor.
It still made no sense that she had shown up twenty years later, it would have made sense if he had explained all of this the day she was born. Even a few months later would have been understandable to give him time to cope with everything, but twenty years later. 
“I know that 20 years later is late, and I’m not that naive to think that you, any of you would be willing to just agree to tell me about my mother, considering you didn't even know I existed until yesterday.” She was nervous, her eyes kept darting from the floor to me and then back to the floor again, her voice was shaky, and she was twiddling and bending her fingers a lot. She was about to start another sentence before I said something.
“Your mother used to do the same things that you do when you’re nervous, from the eyes darting around, twiddling her fingers, and sometimes her voice would get so shaky you couldn’t even understand what she was trying to say.” I laughed a little, but it was a lot to even be here in this town, let alone sitting in Olivia’s living room with her daughter. “I am fully willing to introduce you to your mother, the one I knew. I don’t know how I’m going to do that considering I live on the opposite side of the country, unless you want to come to California for the summer.” Of course at first I was being sarcastic, but when I saw her eyes brighten up at the idea I realized that maybe this could actually happen.
“I don’t know. No offense, but this is this first the first time I’ve talked to you in 20 years. Not to mention you live across the country.” Mason said this with more nervousness than I had seen from him all day.
“Dad. I’d be fine, honestly. I’m 20 now. I know how to take care of myself. Please Dad, this is what I want. This is the closest I will ever have to coming to know mom. The tears silently rolled down her cheeks, she quickly tried to wipe them away.
“I guess that will be okay then.” He sighed an extremely loud sigh. “When should I fly her out to you?” She leaped up from her seat, and her tears were no longer silent. She was crying tears of happiness and she repetitively cried thank you into her father's arms.
We said that we would talk more tomorrow because it was getting late and it had been an extremely long day for all of us. On the way out Mason said goodbye and that he would call in the morning for us to meet up and make the official plans. Before I knew it this time I was enveloped in Grace’s arms. She said “thank you so much, you have no idea how much this means to me,” and I could tell with all of my heart that she meant it.
I drove over to my childhood home knowing that my mother would still be awake, hopefully Phoebe would be too. It was dark and my hometown looked just as it always had, I felt so peaceful just driving. I looked at the shops on the streets closing one by one, and I drove semi slow past the street lights that have always given my town light. I never realized how much I actually missed everything until this very night. I walked into my house that I lived in for 17 years of my life, and for the first time it actually felt safe, it felt like a home. I walked in and fell into my arms mom, I was crying from tiredness and shock, I was overcome with every emotion. I wish Olivia was here to feel the love in the atmosphere, to meet her daughter, to go get ice cream with me. I just plain simple wish she was here. Missing her hurt more here, but for some odd reason it made me feel like we were more connected. Aside from all of the pain that happened here in this little town there were also endless good memories, and here they were still alive and so vivid that I felt like I was still living in them. I have a small piece of Olivia with me forever now, I hope more than anything that Grace is just like her mother.