We were little girls ,

and had collected a large amount of beanie babies. Our father worked as a caterer , and we knew all of the names of the spices in his pantry , as a result of helping with the inventory late , late on friday nghts. Each beanie baby as named after a different spice. The names of Our favorite four were Basil , Ginger , paprika and poppy.These we carried with us wherever we went. 

                      

                                         { *** }



Sometimes when I forget not to listen , I can hear my name being whispered all around. Soledad. My name slips off of toungues very sweet and easily ,and bounces along the air from one mouth to another like a sugar cloud.Soledaddddd. It is hush hush and soothing like soft dry a kiss on the fat cheek of a baby.Sssssssssssoledad. But this time it is hissed , and spat out like something nasty.

I dont listen. I never do. I cant .But i hear it,the voices speaking in spanish , the beautiful language , using it to speak ugly things about me.

The Tias.
"Soledad has gotten very fat. what a shame . Such a pretty girl she used to be."

The primas.
" Poor soledad. did you see her go back again for another plate ? Ah ! remeber when we would ask her for beauty advice? Who can beliveve it ! what a shame."

The boys.
" Do you see that one there ? This girl was so sexy , such beauty. Her body swang snd swooped in every right place , amigos. You've got to belive me !now see it flops! Its just a shame ! "

My Mama.

" My soledad. she was a queen ! It pains me to look at her now ! it saddens me ! She yells when i complain about her fat . Im trying to help , only . Ay ! She would never eat this way if she knew how ugly and fat she looks. It pains me deeply. What a shame.

  shame , shame ,shame .

                              {***}

I started entering beauty pagents when I was 15. 

I started winning beauty pagents when i was 15.

It had been after my quince, and when I walked in the room wih the silver lights reflecting off of my aqua blue dress i was a dream. My hair spiraled down to my waist and glittered against my crown , and the makeup i had gotten done professionally , by a woman my mother knew , had really enhanced my features strikingly. I looked in the mirror and saw someone who didnt look at all like what i pictured myself in my own thoughts and views. It didnt even register that it was myself i was staring at . Whoever she was , i knew that the girl in this mirror was gorgeous. And no one could have said otherwise.  My sister walked up from behind me , she squealed with delight , " Girl ! You're ten times prettier than jennifer Lopez ! Ay , Even Selena!"

She grabbed ahold of both of my white gloved hands and spun me around as my dress fluttered the tops of her knees. 

My sister Yancy  had an amazing smile that was always beautifully genuine and no one could help themselves from gushing over her kindness.She could make even the boys who thought that they were "hard " laugh so hard that horchata would come squiting out of their noses  She was pale and sunshiney bright at the same time ,smooth like a cup of warm rice pudding. I was in love with everything about her . We all were .

Yancy was gordita. But in a way , it suited her . Her hands were soft, plump  and dimpled like little delicous cakes. Her face was smooth and round with a big wide grin like a full moon ,and her long black hair was always slicked back into a perfect bun like a loving grandmother."Little Abuelita" they had called her from birth , never as an insult but as an endearment. Our dear Abuelita . always making us smile . delighting and calming the children with just her pressence alone. She was everything to everyone , but she loved me the most.




                                           { *** }

One night at a gathering ,at about 2 am when it was all begining to die down with coffee and pastel , my mother decided to bring out some old photo albums.  " i hope you left some for the rest of us while I was gone , Dade' !" she said in her singsong voice , with the large pink photo album propped up in the arms of her tiny frame. "Dade' " ( pronounced Dath-eh ) was her pet name for me, and she hadnt used it in a very long time.  I excused myself to use the bathroom , and left the room for a few minutes. When i return , i was met by the loud shriek of a Tia ," Que Lindaaaaaaaaaaaaaa ! " The rest of my mothers friends followed wih ooooooos and ahhhhhs that quieted down when they looked up to see me . After which , their bright smiles turned to slight frowns framed by puppydog eyes overflowing with sympathy. I left the family house shortly after , after discovering my mother was showing old photos of me and Yancy , particiularly those at my quince. My mother was very strateigec with her insults , and she had pulled this one out of her sleeve to depress and inspire me into losing the weight. 

The way i saw it those pictures were nothing but reflections of the past , and reminders that everything in them was fone and would never return again . My 15th birthday would never come  another time in my life , but neither would my beauty or my sister .