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Katelyn: The Sun Behind The Clouds
Katelyn sat in her room the steady beeping of her ventilator lulling her in and out of sleep. Katelyn’s mother sat next to her with her head resting on the edge of the bed, clutching her hand tightly. She looked around, wondering why she kept getting herself into these types of situations. The colorless, white walls caged her in engulfing her, making her feel diaphanous in her own life. She didn't want to feel this way but she felt that she had no choice. She felt trapped. She glanced at the clock and noticed that it was only seven in the morning but sleep eluded her now. The sun shined wistfully through the window of her room, making her feel a small sliver of comfort. At least that was still there. This place—this hospital had become her home now, her clothes on one side and all her pictures, books, and magazines strown absentmindedly on the other side. The pungent smells of hand sanitizer, the blurred figures bustling in the hallways, and the sounds of chattering voices were all familiar to her now—too familiar. She quietly let go of her mother’s clammy hand and nimbly dragged herself off of her bed. She walked towards the corner of her room where her old photos and magazines were messily spread out. She picked up the picture that seemed to captivate her attention like a moth does with a flame. The picture her and Byron had taken on her twelfth birthday. Outside, the sun diminished as the blurry clouds concealed its bright rays. She heard her door close signaling that her mother had left the room, probably to get her breakfast. In the picture they were both smiling broadly at the camera, their arms around each other. Katelyn smiled sadly as she stared at her short, blonde hair in the photo. Now, at fifteen her hair was gone along with her cheerful spirit. She saw so many examples of beautiful hair, at school, in magazines, in her family and each time her fragile heart shattered even more and the sinking feeling she always got in the pit of the stomach grew. She screamed in frustration and threw the pictures and magazines across the room. They landed on her bed with a loud crash. She stood there silently, her eyes wide and furious. The room was quiet except for Katelyn’s heavy breathing and the steady patter of rain against the window. The door to Katelyn’s room suddenly opened and a frantic, enraged Byron strolled in. Katelyn turned her back to the door not even glancing in his direction. Byron was the last person she wanted to see right now. Not because of anything he did to her but because she simply didn't want to see him, she wanted to be alone right now. She thought back to one of her favorite memories she had with him, how happy they were. She wished she could feel that way again.
* * * *
“You can't catch me!” Byron screamed excitedly. She giggled and pushed her short legs after him. Her stormy gray eyes shone with warmth and excitement as she chased after her best friend. We ran all around the house laughing, giggling, swirling, and twirling like leaves in a fresh breeze. This was one of the rare moments where we got to laugh and play like a little kids. She felt invincible. She felt free…
* * * *
Katelyn was brought back to reality by Byron’s voice. She almost forgot he had been in the room with her; she had been so wrapped up in her memories.
“Katie, what are you doing? Why are these pictures all over the place?” he demanded.
“I was just looking at them. At old memories. What’s wrong with that?” she asked defensively. She hated being so mean and harsh towards him but she couldn't help it. She wanted to be by herself, and with the way she was feeling right now she doubted he would understand.
Byron sighed and walked over to the bed. “I didn’t say anything was wrong with it I was just asking,” Byron replied.
“What’s with the third degree! What are you my shrink? I don’t need you I’m fine!” she cried sharply.
“I’m not trying to be your shrink, Katie. No one even said you had to go to therapy that was just a one time thing I’m just trying to help!” he exclaimed.
Katelyn turned her head away from him as she recalled her first and hopefully last therapy session.
* * * *
“Hello Katelyn, my name is Dr.Bronson. How have you been feeling?” he questioned kindly. From where I was sitting I could tell that this doctor was just as uninterested as I felt; but judging from the looks on everyone else’s faces I could also tell that I was the only one who noticed this. Outside thunder boomed and lightening clapped against the windows.
“I’ve been okay I guess,” I vaguely replied.
“Well, what seems to be the problem? Your parents surely wouldn’t have brought you here without a valid reason,” he said.
“Katelyn has been feeling depressed we thought she might feel better if she had someone else to talk to,” my mother interjected.
The doctor trained his predatory eyes back on me. “Well?” he inquired.
“I don’t really know what to say. I haven’t been sad or depressed I just haven’t been in the mood for conversations, cancer will do that to you ya know!” she snapped scowling in her mother’s direction.
He leaned forward in his chair. “Katelyn I know you feel uncomfortable and I understand that but I want you to think of me as part of your family. I want you to talk to me, open up to me as if I was your family!”
“But you’re not my family and I don’t want to talk to you or anybody else!” she hollered rising from her chair.
“Katelyn--” her mother interjected.
“No, stop it! Just stop it!” she cried.
She pushed her chair back up, ran out of the door and slammed the door behind her. Never again she thought. Never again….
* * * *
“Katie, Katie, Katelyn!” he yelled jostling me out of my thoughts.
Katelyn looked up at him. “What?” she asked.
“What? I’ve been calling you for the past twenty minutes but you’ve just been staring into space,” he said.
“Oh, I’m sorry I was just thinking about something,” she countered.
“Are you okay?” he asked worriedly.
“Yea, I’m fine why do you keep asking me that?” she questioned.
“Because you haven’t been acting like yourself lately, you’ve been acting different,” he hollered.
“I have not!” she wailed.
“Yes you have! You’re sad all the time, you’re always extremely quiet when we’re at school and you never want to talk to me anymore!” he answered.
Katelyn never wanted Byron to feel like she didn’t want to talk to him. She loved him, he was her best friend; she could always go to him when she needed him. She thought back to when she was first diagnosed with her cancer when she was twelve. He had been there for her; come to think of it they all were. Katelyn finally realized that in order for her to be free from her insecurities she had to confide in the people around her and let them help her. She decided to tell Byron what she was really feeling.
“I’m never going to be as pretty as them,” she mumbled.
“What?” he inquired.
She got up off the bed, picked up a magazine, and threw it at him. “I’m never going to be as pretty as them, not without my hair!” she bellowed.
She felt as if a huge weight had been lifted off of her shoulders and she could finally breathe again without feeling like a ginormous elephant had been placed on her chest. She had finally told someone the truth.
“Yes, you will Katie,” he said sternly.
He cupped her tear-stained cheek in his hand, lightly placed his other hand on her waist and slowly leaned in. “You’ll always be beautiful to me,” he whispered. “Always,” he repeated and pressed his lips softly to hers.
It’s moments like these that Katelyn finally realizes that she’s not alone and never will be alone in this fight. She’ll always have someone there whether it’s her parents, Byron, or even her doctor they will be there for her.
Her mother opened the door and stepped in. “I brought breakfast, I didn’t really know what you wanted so I just brought a little of everything,” she said.
She looked between Katelyn and Byron with confusion. “Is everything okay?” she asked,noticing Katelyn’s wet face.
Katelyn and Byron looked at each other and smiled.
“Yea Mom, everything is perfect,” Katelyn replied.
“Are you sure?” she questioned still looking at them weirdly.
Katelyn looked out the window as the sunshine rained through the window. “Yea, I’m sure,” she said. She looked back at Byron and her mother and smiled.
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