It was a late typical Saturday morning. I was 100% sleep deprived. It was between dad and his co-worker’s loud meaningless sex and my loud thoughts consuming me.
I frowned, leaned across the bed, and opened the window. The air was cold, yet heavy and moist. I peeked out the window. The gloomy gray clouds seemed to look back at me. I closed my eyes, feeling the weight of the world fall on my shoulders. I dragged myself to the bathroom and stepped in the shower. The bathroom smelled of piss and puke. Dad crashed again. I sighed heavily, trying not to breathe in too much of the disgusting oxygen. I washed every part of my body. I imagined my wash cloth as a knife, the skin as my father. I scrubbed and scrubbed as if I was killing him, until my arms grew tired. I placed on my jet black makeup on my eyes and brushed down my night black hair. I put on my usual: Black ripped pants, dark purple shirt with skulls, and black combat boots. I combed my hair with my finger nails, and for a moment, smiled at my reflection.
But, walking out the bathroom, into my bedroom slowly, I allowed my thoughts to take over. N-no. No autumn. You must not think of him. Don't allow his image to come inside your head.. Push him out. Push him out just like he pushed you out… Get rid of him. PUSH HIM OUT NOW! Taking 5 deep breaths, Autumn pushed the thought of her father out of her head. I wish I could push him out my life… Kill.. Mom came inside the room.
“Autumn can you please help me clean your father’s mess?” She pleaded. I mumbled “Sure.” I helped her clean the remains of dad’s digestive system. I looked at mom closely. Her makeup was smudged, her face was lifeless. Her cheeks were filled with dried tears that had no meaning anymore. I sighed and began pacing around the house, unsure of what to do.
I trudged myself to the kitchen, in search of food. The combination of dingy socks on top of the fridge, burnt pizza, and cheap perfume made my lungs feel like they were deflating. I grabbed a protein bar and stuffed it in my mouth. The sound of thudding footsteps startled me as they came closer and closer. Dad. His voice rattled like a snake. I couldn’t make out what he was trying to say. He stared at me, as if he were looking through my soul. I stood frozen, unsure if he’d make a move. I could feel the tension and tough squeeze of his stubby hand on my leg engulf me. He clenched my warm, small neck and nearly flattened my body against the fridge. I could feel my eyes popping out of their sockets. Please go away..  He glared at me. “Pig” he said  obnoxiously. I squeezed my eyes, praying that he’d leave. He slowly let go of me, pushed me to the floor, and then left. I let out a silent sigh of relief.
I scrambled up to my room and jerked the door open going inside until I heard my dad yelling his face off at my poor, helpless little brother Hunter. I couldn’t make out what he was saying, but I knew it was not good. I took in a deep breath and quietly walked in the room. Hunter’s room seemed to have no toys anymore. Perhaps dad sold them all for weed and extra beer. I crossed my fingers, in hope of good luck.
“Um dad…” I started to choke on my words. But nevertheless, I found my voice again. “There’s a stash of meth.. if you want it.” My heart began hammering. My meth may only make his condition worse, but anything to stop him yelling at Hunter. He looked at me and made an evil smile. “Very good.” He ran downstairs like a drunk old man. Hunter smiled as a way of saying thank you and I sprinted down the hall to my room. I never had to run up to my room in fear back when I was a kid. Back when Grandma Marie, Dad’s mom was alive. Now she’s in heaven. And she took the happy part of dad with her.  I turned up the volume on my amp and drowned the noise of the meaningless thoughts in my head. Still, I could taste dad’s rotten, out of date love beginning to reach its final stage of decomposition. I could remember him screaming at me and mom and blaming us for his mother’s death, though we’d done nothing. I closed my eyes gently, falling into a deep sleep and dreamt…
                                                     *                                                 *

Dad’s warm hand clung to mine. We were intertwined. His scrawny but handsome smile always brightened my day. His eyes had a strange but amazing gleam to them. “So what'll it be today sugar princess? Chocolate panda paw and mint-ting-a-ling or cookies n’ cream with a mountain top of whip cream?” I thought about it. I loved them both extremely. So did daddy. I came to a decision. “How about both?!” I exclaimed. Dad started to laugh.
“Hmm. Perhaps we can do both.”
He bought both and we ran to our favorite table with the black roses as a decoration. I Thought they were pretty. Dad thought they were pretty cool. We talked about our favorite bands and songs while munching on ice cream “I think one direction is overrated.” I complained. A few girls looked at me like I was crazy. Dad beamed and agreed then smiled. “You'll never be a normal little girl, will you?” He asked.
“No daddy! I'll always be your special girl” I argued. Dad looked at me and smiled, showing all of his bright teeth. “Well, I like the way that sounds.”
           I finished up the last bit of whip cream for both of us. We left a tip and began to walk out of Dairy Queen with big smiles. Phone call. Phone call. Phone call. NO, NO, NO! Dad walked me to the car and opened the door for me, like a gentleman. Phone will not ring… Grandma will not die.. We will all be happy. No, no, no! Why is reality interrupting my dream now. Phone call. Hospital. Crying. Screaming. Death. Funeral. Grandma looks like a ghost. Chasing us. Stop! No! Please! Dad asking why God took his mother away. His face began to decay into the true monster he was. “No daddy! I screeched. He mumbled something then stopped the car. Grandma stopped chasing us. “Goodbye sweetheart.” He said with a muffled voice. He took a gun and…

*        *        *

I snapped awake. Where was I? What happened? I was unfamiliar with my surroundings for a split second. Then I remembered everything. Eating. Cleaning up. Sleeping to get away from everything. I looked out the window. The sun was beginning to set. Holy s***. How long was I asleep. I slowly got up and began to shake. Why am I so nervous? I gripped my phone and yanked it off the charger. I need to get out of here. But there was no where to go.
My head throbbed. I felt my heart sinking down to the core. N-no.. I will not cry.. I won't.. I cried anyways. I cried until there was nothing left. I hated crying over dad. I hated him. I sighed and wiped my cheeks. I hate you.
I looked up. Mom stared. How long had she been there?
“I’m sorry… Um.. At least I know I'm not the only one with emotion around here.” She smiled a bit and walked off. My eyes brightened, my smile grew a bit wider, and I jumped up. I missed mom’s smile. It was a rare treat to see it nowadays. I grabbed my phone once again. There was one smile I hadn't seen in awhile. I knew it was a bad idea, but I wanted to see my older brother Trey. One ring. Two rings. Three rings. He finally answered on the forth. “H-hello” he answered nervously.
“Um.. It's Autumn.. Is everything alright?” I asked dimly.
“Yeah, I thought you were dad for a second, considering that he changed his number again. What's up?”
“Can you come over? Please?” I pleaded.
“I'm not sure Autumn…--”
“He's asleep, he won't notice. Mom is grocery shopping right now. And if anything goes down I'll take all blame.. Just please come.”
There was silence for a moment and then he finally spoke.
“Alright. Only because I love you to death.”
I smile and laughed for the first time in a long time. “See you soon!” I exclaimed. I hung up and waited patiently. The last time I saw him was at the funeral. When he admitted to accidentally hitting grandma when he was driving after a long day of working while smoking meth for the first time.
I heard a soft knock on the door. I ran to the door happily, leaned against the door, touched the nearly frozen doorknob, and quickly opened the door. Trey looked at me and smiled. “So I heard you've been missing all of this” he laughed and posed. I couldn't help but chuckle along with him. The force of intensity was finally gone. “So um… Maybe we can go to my place and light up. My treat.” He said quietly. I thought about it and then nodded my head. “Of course, dad won't notice--”
“Notice what?” A voice boomed from behind us. Trey grabbed me, and pushed me behind him quickly. I didn't have to look up to know who was there to spoil my freedom. Damn you, dad.
“What the hell are you doing in my house?” Dad slurred. He'd definitely been drinking. I could feel my bones quaking of intimate fear. “I-I invited him but we were just gonna leave like now--”
“NO YOU WILL NOT LEAVE AUTUMN!” He yelled. Trey held my hand tight. I looked up at him, feeling like absolute s***. I shouldn't have had him come today. Or I could've just snuck out through the window or something. Now it's too late. And dad may just kill us both. I leaned against the wall slightly, feeling the cold metal door prickle my skin. “I'll just leave--” Trey started.
           “NO!” I screeched. Dad stared blankly at me, ready to blow. Trey looked shocked.
“No?! What the hell do you mean no? This is MY house. And this son of a b**** does not belong in MY house. And if you think otherwise, then just go ahead with him.” Dad roared. I stood there, stiff. The child in me wanted to run and hide. The older side of me pushed her to the curb.
           I said sharply, “Dad, are you serious? Are you really serious?! Are we really doing this again? This whole concept of ‘kick out whoever pisses me off’? Because it's not only pissing me off, but it gets on everyone's nerves. Honestly, you are so selfish. Not everything is about you. Newsflash, our world doesn't revolve around how you feel and what you want!” Dad stared at me, looking ready to plunge his fist deep into my cold soul. Still, I didn't stop. My voice only began to escalate. My anger bubbled “Honestly.. Look what you've done to this family! No, not even that. Look what you've done to yourself. You've turned into a monster. A cold, heartless, beastly, monster! The dad I knew never hurt me. He never made me cry my eyes out or feel an inch fear!” I started jumping around insanely. I wailed, “I just want to be like the other girls that had fathers to lick ice cream with and go bowling with! I just wanted to see this family be an actual family again! I wanna see another happy Christmas! I wanna sit outside and watch the stars slowly come out and talk with the man that once actually loved me! I want to feel the warmth of your soft hugs again. But obviously that'll never happen again!”
             I began crying hysterically. Trey hugged me in his warm, strong arms closely. He knew I didn't want dad out of all people to see me cry. I wiped my eyes and fixed myself back up. I said swiftly, “If you want me to leave with Trey, fine. But I'm taking what's left of my family with me. And you can live here. Alone. Like you always said you wanted.” Trey looked at me and nodded his head in approval. Dad looked down, shameful. I rolled my eyes. “Cmon.” Said Trey quietly as he gently tugged me to the door. I walked out with him, no regrets. I shut the cold, metal door and ran to Trey’s minivan along with him. BOOM! “What the hell was that…” I started. But I had a feeling I knew. My dream came back to me slowly. No.. He couldn't have. I ran back to the house and peered out the window. Blood everywhere. A stream of tears filled my eyelids. Trey fell to his knees in the street, screaming “no!” repeatedly. I knew there was no point in calling the police. Dad was… Dead. I did text mom. Slowly. Don't go in the house, but come to trey’s. K? I left it there. I wanted to tell her face to face what happened. I reached in my pocket and squeezed the shiny, warm black stone dad gave me on my birthday. I said through a muffled voice. “I… Love you.” I once again fixed myself, helped Trey adjust himself, and we both slowly stepped in the car and drove away with heavy hearts, but hope for a brighter future to come.