I knew something was wrong the second her phone went to voicemail. I kept waiting for her voice to save me from insanity, but the phone just kept ringing, ringing, ringing. I shut my eyes. I could feel my head pulsing and pulled my arms around my face, as if holding my head would make the throbbing stop. As if I could shake a solution out of my mind. As if I could make it better.
Nothing could make it better.
“Think,” I growled at myself. Where would Ashley be? I had to find her. She sent me a message last night that made my stomach tighten uncomfortably and my mouth go dry. I knew my chances were slim, but I headed to her dorm anyway, hoping that she would be there. Hoping that she wouldn’t have acted irrationally. She always made bold decisions, but usually I was there to help her think straight. Now, I couldn’t even think straight.
Three blocks. Two bright red doors. Fifth elevator button. Seventh door. I looked at the golden initials stuck above the peephole. In fancy, glittering cursive they spelled out “AEC,” Ashley Elizabeth Chancler. My closest friend. I took a deep breathe and then pounded my fists against the wooden frame. I listened to surrounding doors slam, my fingers crunching against the solid frame, my desperate pleas -- but I didn’t hear her.
Pulling out a bobby pin, I opened her door with trembling fingers. It was a skill I’d learned as a girl, when my door had been locked from the outside, and I grew too large to be confined in such a way. My legs shook as I surveyed the room, hoping to find some sort of clue as to where she was.
I didn’t expect to see the window open, her pale hand turning red as it clung to the the side of the window.
“Ashley! What are you doing?” I screamed, running towards her. The shadow of her face glanced back at me, wide green eyes tearfully watching. She shimmied farther away from the window as I approached, silently fleeing my grasp.
“You can’t be here. Not for this,” she whispered, staring at a darkening sky above. She was standing at least five feet away from the widow now, her frail body pressed against the building’s exterior. Each of her hands rested on a slightly protruding gargoyle, tightly clinging to the cold metal.
“We can talk. We need to talk. Please, come back inside. Whatever it is, this isn’t the solution,” I pleaded, angling myself out of the window, trying to grab onto her. I tried to move slowly, but everytime I inched forward she’d slither away, a fearful snake retreating breathlessly.
“You wouldn’t understand,” she spat, her wild black hair frantically dancing in the wind. “You don’t know what I’ve done.”
“What you’ve done? You haven’t done anything… you don’t know,” I struggled to form the words. “Whatever it is, it’s not your fault. Please, Ash.”
I watched her head drop forward. She stared at the ground with a steadfast resolve, eyeing the people walking below.
“You didn’t see his face. He was so cold,” she spoke slowly, as she swayed in the wind. Her hands tightening and untightening.
“That wasn’t your fault,”
“How would you know?” she said, eying me suspiciously.
“I wouldn’t!” I shouted. “Listen, you just can’t do this. If you jump, I jump too.” I forced my eyes to meet hers, finding confusion when I did.
“Why would you do that… you have every reason to live,” her troubled expression almost comforted me.
“Not without you. I can’t go home. You don’t understand,” I shut my eyes, but the darkness only made it all worse. It reminded me of countless dark nights. The shadow of a man in my room. Nightmares that didn’t disappear when I awoke.
“At least you have a home! After last night, I don’t think I’ll be welcome anywhere. I wouldn’t even welcome myself…” She slowly slid downwards, squatting against the wall with her arms outstretched behind her. Her bare feet rested on mere inches of cement. Her toes hung recklessly into the air. She was getting tired, and I was running out of time. I needed her to stay.
She was the only thing that made my past bearable, even if she couldn’t know the truth. I wouldn’t let this happen.
I inhaled and gradually forced my limbs through the open frame. Left foot. Right foot. I could do this. My eyes were wide and panicked as I reached for the wall. The wind bit at me, and I shivered, struggling to stay balanced.
She tried to scoot away, but her arms shook when she moved. She stopped moving and just watched me. “Go back inside. I’ve hurt enough people for a lifetime… more than hurt,” she said.
“You’ve never hurt me. I’m strong enough to handle whatever it is -- you can tell me,” I pleaded.
She shook her head.
“Please, Ash.”
Nothing.
I needed to make this better. I needed to say something that would help. “I’ve faced a million monsters in my lifetime. The person I was meant to trust most hurt me more than I’ll ever be able to recover from. Whatever you’ve done can’t be that bad,” I promised, resting one of my hands on hers. Her icy skin trembled beneath my touch. I was exhausted and having just one hand on the wall made my stomach uneasy. I wouldn't let go, I told myself. As a child that mantra got me through everything. Each night my innocence slipped further into an unrecoverable land, but I wouldn’t let go. Life was worth holding on to.
“Lacey, I am the monster!” She cried, panicked eyes boring into me. “He trusted me, don’t you get it! He never even got the chance to recover... it ended so quickly,” she trailed off as fresh tears started forming in her eyes.
I tried to think about where she was the last night. Shutting my eyes I recalled her darting out of my apartment, a red dress hugging her tightly.
A party. She was going to a party.
“I can never forgive myself,” she said.
“For what?”
“For being so reckless! For choosing fun over safety! For letting him down!” She was shaking now, her whole body convulsing as she cried. I gripped her hand in mine, but every time she swayed forward my heart would stutter, unable to comprehend the danger.
“Everything is going to be okay, but I need you here. I have no one to turn to, no where else to go,” I said feeling the ache in my arms increase. I couldn’t sit here much longer. I just needed to get her inside.
“It can never be okay again. I loved him. Last night I dreamed about… well, I had the worst nightmare. I could hear it all again, horns blaring like an eruption coming from every direction. The lights spiraling away from me, the throbbing pain, the racing of my heart. I was too dizzy to understand. I woke up and for a second I was relieved. But then the guilt hit me, and I realized that reality is far, far worse than my subconscious,” she pulled out of my grasp and swiveled around. She grasped the gargoyles again, now facing the wall. Her weight fell onto her toes, bent sharply against the building. They started to slide and the muscles in her arms bulged. I was running out of time, but I didn’t have the balance or strength to help her.
“I have nightmares, too. They get better. Foggier, somehow. Sleeping becomes less terrifying, I promise.”
“You don’t know anything,” she grunted.
I thought back to years of trauma. I thought of his face, his hands. I thought of my pink sheets and golden teddy bears. I thought of my mother’s defeated eyes. I thought of a broken home and wanted so badly to share it with Ashley. But I knew that I couldn’t. I was helpless.
“Don’t do this. I can’t go back--”
As I spoke, she let go of one arm and held her palm against my face. For one brief moment our eyes locked. Green and sincere, she stared at me, and in that moment I understood. Whatever happened broke her beyond repair. There was no point in suffering any longer.
“I have to. I’m sorry,” she whispered. Her head tilted upwards, and she let go of the wall.
For a moment, I watched her falling. Her dark hair swirled around her face. I waited to see a look of fear or regret, but her cold eyes looked only fragile as they gazed into the sky.
I thought that she looked almost peaceful, and then I jumped.