I wake up and rub my eyes with my hands. I run my hands through my hair which I just notice has gotten increasingly long, it’s almost to my shoulders. I throw my faded gray blanket off of me and sit up with my feet on the ice cold concrete floor. As I yawn, my toes roll along the floor and I stretch my arms out. The sun shines through the small square window right by the foot of my bed on the right wall of my room. The walls are cement too but painted with a baby blue paint that’s chipping off. I think the floor used to be yellow but it’s been such a long time since they last renovated that I can’t tell for sure. Across the room is a metal door with a window next to it. The window is skinny and has little wires running through it. I stand up and my knees pop while I walk over to the mirror that’s above my dresser. A man appears in the window next to the metal door and knocks, waving at me. I motion for him to come in and as he enters, the smell of lemons fills the room. He’s Dr. Liston.

“I see you’re up bright and early again,” Dr. Liston says, he’s wearing a long white lab coat with red stitches down the left sleeve symbolizing his authority in the ward.
I look at the clock and realize its 6am.
“Yeah well I guess I just don’t sleep much,” I responded, staring blankly at myself in the mirror.
My face is very thin now, I’m almost skin and bone. My face has started growing facial hair and even though it’s not long I find it as an accomplishment. I’ve lost around 30 pounds in the last month and stopped cutting my hair, it’s about to my shoulders.
“You know it’s your birthday today right? It’s April 7th,” Dr. Liston says smiling at me.
I stop observing my new facial hair and look over my shoulder at him.
“I don’t really pay attention but hey, I’m 19 I guess,” I say unenthusiastically and then look back in the mirror.
“You should celebrate. If you’re lucky, they might give you a little extra dessert,” he suggests, “Anyway, I came here to give you your medicine.”
He steps closer to me with a little cup full of pills, I hate pill time. It’s the worst. They don’t even make me feel better honestly, and sometimes I don’t even take them.
“Medicine is s***, it doesn’t help me at all,” I complain as I turn around to face Dr. Liston.
I take the cup and toss the pills in my mouth, hiding them under my tongue.
“Alright, let me see,” Dr. Liston says, stepping closer to me as I open my mouth to let him look inside, “Okay, you’re good, happy birthday. Don’t worry, those are the last pills you’ll have to take since your release is today.”
That brought a little joy to my face, I get out today. I’ve been in this place for about six months. My parents say it’s to help me but I honestly think it’s just because they didn’t want my depressed ass around any longer. I hate it here, the food sucks and the people are insane. Well, what else can one expect from a mental institution, this is where mentally insane people go to get better. I’m fine though and I always have been.
“It’s about damn time,” I say as Dr. Liston walks out of my room.
I look back into the mirror and my eyes seem hollow, they’re darker than before and my hair is greasy again. They put me in here for my depression due to my loss. I hadn’t been eating and I hadn’t been functioning as normal. No depression medication improved my attitude either. Nicky’s death messed me up but god I just don’t want to be in this place anymore. I look down at my dark gray shirt and pull it over my head. I throw it aside and put my deodorant on. The drawers on the dresser on my room always get stuck so I have to nearly break them to get them open. I pull out a dark blue shirt and put it on. Then I exchange my torn at the knee night pants for a pair of light, color washed jeans. After I put on the finishing touch, my socks, I brush my teeth and walk across the floor to my shoes which are pretty much slippers. They’ve got rips at the toes to where my socks are visible due to their old age. The doctors issue people clothes upon arrival if they didn’t bring clothes themselves. I open the gigantic metal door and step into the hallway, looking around for a familiar face. The people here don’t really make good friends but they’re interesting.
As I make my way into the living room area I see my acquaintance, Justin. He’s a tall, skinny guy that loves comic books. His hair is dirty blonde but shaved due to an incident where he shaved one part in the front down to his scalp. It used to be a little shorter than mine. The little bald patch is having trouble growing back and in my opinion, he looks ridiculous.
“Hey man! You ready to get out? I heard it was your day to go,” Justin said, dropping his head to his feet.
“Yeah I’m leaving,” I said, sitting next to him in a hard, plastic chair, “but it’s alright man, I don’t know what the hell I’m gonna do out there.”
I don’t plan on living with my parents again but I still have the last semester of my senior year to finish and I’m not excited. I panic at the thought of being around so many people.
“You’ll do great, just don’t forget to come visit me… Please?” Justin whines.
“Sure I’ll come visit, I promise,” I assure him.
While I look around the room I see some people pacing back and forth and others playing cards. Some of the older ones in here get up earlier than me to drink coffee and play cards, I guess it’s their muse. I never found one of those in here, Justin is a blessing to me though.
“I’ll send you post cards,” I say, twiddling my thumbs, anxious to get out of here.
“Really?! Oh my goodness I would love that! Send me pictures of you too! I’m sure gonna miss you bud,” Justin says.
Dr. Liston and a new lady I’ve never seen before enter the living room area.
“Hey Nathen, you ready to go?” Dr. Liston asks.
I nod and stand up, there’s nothing that I really have to pack. I didn’t bring my own back in the first place. The lady standing next to Dr. Liston had short brown hair above her shoulders and thick black glasses. She sticks her hand out to me as if to get me to shake it. I just kind of stare at it not quite sure what to do.
“I’m Mary, I’ll be driving you home today,” she says, putting her hand down, displeased that I didn’t take her gesture.
“Oh hi, I’m Nathen,” I respond, flipping my hair out of my eyes.
“Nice to meet you! Let’s get out of here,” the lady says as she turns around and starts to walk towards the entrance.
I turn to wave to Justin but he’s crying and doesn’t see so I turn back around and follow Mary. I feel like I’m finally about to be free again at the same time that I am terrified. She’s going to take me back to my house which is exactly where I don’t want to go. When we reach the car, the sun is blinding me and I open the door behind the driver. I take one last look at the facility that I’ve been in for so long and reassure myself that I won’t miss it. I slide into the seat behind the driver and notice bars separating me from the front of the car. Mary shuts my door and gets into the driver’s seat. The bars make me feel very confined and uncomfortable. I space out for pretty much the whole car ride which is a surprise because it’s about 45 minutes back to my house. As we pull into the driveway, I see my parents on the front step waving. Once the car stops I throw the door open and bolt down the street. They’re stupid if they think I’m going back to the people that sent me away, back to the ones that refused to help me themselves and didn’t visit but once. I can hear my parents and Mary scream at me to come back turn around to see Mary get in her car to come after me so I take a sharp left. My feet slamming against the gravel cause my brain to shake. My blood pumps faster than the speed of light and my breaths get heavier.
I run past the neutral colored houses with bright green yards and try to keep my breaths steady. Mary’s car gets right behind me and I turn right to go down the dirt path leading to the river. Tears fill up my eyes and all I can think about is Nicky. All I can think about is how they found her body down here after she’d jumped off the bridge and the note they found. I can’t hold the tears back any longer and begin to break down. Still running down the dirt path, I start to slow down. Mary’s car can’t fit due to the path being only wide enough for about two people. I get to the edge of the river and look into the water at my reflection. I don’t know who I am anymore, I look at myself but don’t see me. I see someone who thought they were okay when they really aren’t. My hair falls in my face and my tears hit the water. All I want is to be with Nicky again, but she wouldn’t like who I am now. I don’t like who I am now.
Rising from under the water I see Nicky’s face, she swims up to the top. As she breaks the surface of the water, she swims over to the edge close to me. She grabs my hand in hers and I kneel down to be face to face with her.
“Nathen, I thought I told you to stop this, I thought I told you to move on,” she says, touching my cheek gently with her hand.
“But I love you and I can’t let this go, I can’t live without you,” I say, reaching for her with tears rolling down my cheeks.
“If you can’t move on and you can’t let this go, then come with me,” Nick says, swimming backwards, “Just jump in, come be with me.”
I watch her move in the water and place my hands on the edge of the riverbank.
“Nicky, I really want to, I really want to be with you…” I begin.
“Then do it,” she says, swimming farther away.
I take one last look back and see my parents and Mary running down the dirt path.
“I love you,” I said, thrusting my body into the river.
Right before my head goes under the water, I notice Nicky is nowhere in sight. As the current sweeps me down the river, it causes my head do bob up and down. I gasp for breath but breathe in gallons of water. When my head goes under the water once again, everything goes black.