Light creeps through the slit of the curtains, illuminating a slice of my dark room. The blank, navy walls are black in the obscurity. The carpet cannot be seen under piles of dirty clothes, scattered across the floor. Beside the wall, I  lie, curled up on an old mattress, with dreams of my past.
***
Lilly and I yank on the blue, green, and white knotted rope toy clenched tightly in the mouth our childhood mastiff, Heidi. I drop the rope and sneak around the side of Heidi. She yelps as I grab her thick tail and pull. Heidi quickly turns around and bites my arm. My eyes swell up with tears, despite the minimal pain. Lilly sees my teary eyes and waddles over to me.
“No, no, no, no, no. I make you not cry.” Lilly whines as she bends over and gently kisses the red, scratched skin of where I was bitten. She looks back to me and sees that the tears are still there.
“What you call a pig that knows karate?” She was already giggling in anticipation of the joke. Her joy made me smile.
“A pork chop!” Lilly runs through the yard, chopping, hopping, and flopping her arms around, while exclaiming “HI-YA!” My tears are gone and I roll around in the grass laughing. She sees me rolling and rolls with me.
Then the fun was gone. She was too.
“Alex!” Her cry was muffled by the sound of water flooding her mouth. This time I look up from my little handheld containing a pixelated pet that was bound to die. I couldn't see her anymore. The waves had consumed her. My sister’s head appeared from under the water with a wail. I dropped my Tamagotchi, then sprinted across the long, July grass. Everything felt like slow motion. My parents and their guests fearfully crowded the deck. They watched me disappear with a  dive into the dark water.
*****
Another light shakes the room with vibration. I yank my blanket back over my head. I want to forget. After another vibration, I sigh and reach out to my phone. Through squinted eyes I gaze at the painfully bright time on the screen.
The date is even harder to read. It’s been 13 years? Thirteen years of regret, self-hatred, and torment. I don’t want to deal with this right now. Instead, I decide to focus on my two unread texts from my girlfriend.
“What kind of tea did the colonists want?”
“Liberty.”
I feel a smile creep across my face, which quickly turns into a quiet chuckle. These kind of jokes can always brighten my day.
I stand up and peek out the slit in my curtain. The children from apartment 3F play across the street in the park. The siblings swing back and forth, competing to go higher than the other. The boy jumps off of his swing landing on his feet. His younger sister attempts to do the same, but her legs collapse beneath her. The older boys comforts his sister, wipes the tears off of her face and kisses her head. The peace of the park is soon interrupted by the roar of an ambulance.
*****
“Auntie Linda, why is the ambulance so loud?” I ask while cringing at the piercing wail.
“It’s so the other cars can hear us coming and pull over so we can get to the hospital sooner.” She tried to remain calm, but I could hear the tension in her voice.
“But why does it have to be so loud?” I move my hands up to  cover my ears. It doesn't help.
She turned and snapped at me. “We wouldn’t have to hear it if you didn’t let your sister swim so far out. You should have been watching her.” I place my chin in my hand and look out the window as tears rolls down the side of my face.
*****
“Alexander, come with me to my parent’s pool party,” my girlfriend pleads, “All you ever do on the Fourth of July is sulk. Instead of drinking alone in your apartment, like some lonely alcoholic, come drink with my family. You know they love you.”
“Marin, I don’t want to have this conversation right now.” I open my laptop and put on my headphones. How could I tell her that I had a sister, who is now dead because of me?
Marin crosses from the kitchen to the living room to sit beside me on my old, leathery couch. She gently pushes back my headphones so that I know that we are not done talking.
“How long are you going to be like this? Why can’t you let me in, even after all this time?” Her voice softens and she looks at me with her gentle blue eyes, “Don’t you trust me by now?”
Despite hearing her, I don’t move my eyes from the “16 Funny Firework FAILS” video. You won’t understand. You’d recognize that it’s my fault and blame me.
“There’ll be irresponsible drunks and illegal fireworks.” She closes my laptop and repeats, “Come with me to my parent’s pool party.”
After a few moments of silence I turn to her. “I’ll go, but only because this video quality is terrible.”
*****
Marin and I stand on her parent’s old, wooden deck. We look out to the pristine yard. Cousins and grandchildren splash in their kidney-shaped pool. The adults who weren't eating or chatting on the deck drank and threw bean bags across the yard.
“See? This is so much better than sitting alone and watching intoxicated rednecks become amputees.” My chuckle was muffled by the dessert which fills my mouth. Whipped cream was now hanging from the corner.
“Someone likes my trifle, doesn’t he?” Marin’s mother, Claire, who was making her rounds as the host, laughs and pats my shoulder. She glances the empty beer cans sitting on the ledge then whispers in my ear,  “If you aren’t in a state to drive home tonight, you can have some more tomorrow morning for breakfast.”
I place my hand over my mouth and use it as a food-shield, “Thank you.” A child wrapped in a towel rushes over to Claire.
“Aunt Claire, where are seeing the fireworks?”
“We’re heading to the park down the street for the firework show soon,” She turns to Marin and me, “It starts at ten. You two should come,” Claire turns to walk into the house, opens the screen door, then calls back to us, “But wear a coat, it’s getting chilly!”
I laugh, “Moms, they never change. It doesn't matter if you’re five or twenty-five.”  Most of the party guests start clearing out. Marin sees and pulls her phone out of her pocket.
“It’s 9:52, we should probably start heading over to the park.” She reaches out to grab my hand.
*****
I woke to the high pitched ring of a flat line and my mother’s wail. My father solemnly stands beside her with his left hand on her right shoulder, trying to maintain his composure. The doctor glanced at his watch.
“Time of death. 9:52 pm.”
“You were supposed to be watching her! This happened because of you!” Linda grasped my arms in her tight grip and began to shake me.
A stream of tears came flowed out of my eyes as I cried, “I didn’t mean to! I didn’t mean to!”
“Jesus, Linda! Stop it! He knows what he did was wrong!” My father rushes to my side, pushing her away from me.
Several of the nurses had entered the room to see the commotion. They came just in time to watch Aunt Linda shove my father, then strike me. Though the slap was quick, the pain was sharp and lasted far after my aunt being dragged from the room.
*****
I pull my hand away.
“Why? Why now?” Her frustrations rise along with her voice. “I thought you were having a good time.” I turn away and pick up a beer. The can opens with a loud metallic click. I raise  the can to my lips, and drink.
“I don’t want tonight to be ruined, so I guess I’m going to tell you cheesy jokes until you decide to come.” I roll my eyes as Marin stubbornly sits down in a folding chair. This is why I love her so much.
“What didn’t the man say when his vacuum broke?” I turn to face her and raise my eyebrow.
“This sucks!” Marin fakes a loud over exaggerated laugh to emphasize the terrible humor.  By then nearly everyone had already left. Marin desperately thought of another joke.
“Why did the hippie drown?”
“Time of death. 9:52 pm.”
“Because she was too far out!”
“We wouldn’t have to hear it if you didn’t let your sister swim so far out! You should have been watching her!”
I feel a fiery heat quickly spread throughout my body. I hurl my beer can across the yard as the first fireworks of the night explode in the sky.
“What the hell?” Marin yelled, “What is wrong with you?” Marin stands up and shoves my chest. I feel a flash of rage. She must have seen it flood my eyes, because she takes a step back.
“My sister drowned, Marin! That’s what is wrong with me!” Another firework shot overhead.
“Sister? You never told me that you had a sister!” The fireworks seemed to punctuate our sentences.
“I guess that’s my fault too! You want to know why she drowned?” I pause. “Me! It’s my fault that my sister is dead!”  That was the first time I had said it out loud.
Suddenly my pent up ferocity and anger dissipated into the night anger turns to sorrow. My legs suddenly feel weak, I begin to break and quietly whisper, “It’s my fault that my sister is dead.” Marin rushes to my side and helps me into a chair.
“I’m going to get you help.” She embraces me as I press my tear stricken face into her shoulder and exhale. Since the first time in what seems like forever, I feel free.