I looked at her for the first time and I knew I was in love, that she was going to be the girl for me. She was going to be the one that I would wake up thinking about, and fall asleep texting. She was going to be in my mind all the time and it would have to be something that I would have to work with. I knew that she was going to be the mother of my kids, and have my ring on her finger. She was perfect in every single way, even her flaws were perfectly imperfect to me. She was going to be the girl that my parents loved, and my friends adored. She was the girl of my dreams. And like every love struck idiot that ever walked the face of the earth, I ran.

When I first saw her, it was 1999. I was 16, and just got home from spring break in Florida. I was waiting for my parents to come and pick me up since I did not have a licenses. I was sitting on those uncomfortable chairs, tapping my foot getting more and more impatient as time went on (my parents were late to everything, and they would be late to their own funeral if they were in charge of when they got there.)

When I saw her, everything stopped. My foot stopped tapping, my impatience stopped growing, even time stopped moving. Then she made eye contact with me, and that is where I am going to stop the story so I can preserve my manliness. Let’s just say it was an… experience. But then I got pulled out of it when my parents showed up, this is the only time I was actually happy that they were late, and they wanted to go right away. It’s almost like they knew what I needed to do and they pulled me away from her.

The next time I saw her it was was 2004, and I was walking in the mall with a couple friends and I felt that my heart stopped right then and there. I stopped walking and just looked at her. Her face was something like out of a fairy tale, she was so pretty.

“What is it man?” Jacob stood next to me, trying to understand what I was looking at.

I just stook my head, not ready to share my secret with anyone. I felt that if I were to tell someone about her, it would almost taint her perfection. Even if I wanted to say something, my vocal cords would not let me. I opened my mouth and tried to speak but nothing came out.

Jacob looked at me with a strange look. “Are you ok?” He looked around the room, trying to figure out what was going on.

I shook my head and managed to speak. “I-I. I ha-have to talk t-to. To her.” The stutter was getting worse with each word that I spoke so at that moment I decided to stop speaking. I looked over at Jacob, trying to make him feel better. I patted his shoulder and turned my attention back to her.

Taking a deep breath I took my first step to my future, both literally and figuratively. Just as I was about to take another step toward her, I felt a hand clasp around my wrist. My attention jerked and I turned my attention away from her. It took me a second to realize who I was looking at, but it was my girlfriend.

“Honey, where are you going?” Her light didn’t reach her eyes and she pulled me into a hug.

I was once again lost for words as I looked down at her. I didn’t realize she was going to be here, at least not this soon. I turned my head and looked at her once again, before turning away completely away from my soul mate.

“I didn’t realize you would be here so soon?”

She pulled away from me a little and frowned. “Did you not want me here?” She looked at the direction that I was facing before, trying to figure out what was going on just like everyone else.

“No, it’s not that, at all.” I kissed her cheek and smiled down at her, wrapping my arm around her waist. I didn’t want her to ask anymore questions and the easiest way to do that was to make her happy.

She nodded slowly, a smile peeking through her lips. She was happy that I was just holding her close to me. She didn’t want to be at the mall anymore, she looked at me and smiled. “Can we go to a movie?” I quickly looked at her before nodding. It’s almost like she knew my mind was not on my girl and she would do anything for that to change.

It was a while before I saw her again. The year was 2006 and my fiancee was annoying me, so I had to get out of the house. I walked for a while before I saw her randomly on the side of the street. I didn’t think I would find her, but when I did everything changed. I almost fell off of the sidewalk, and my feet were finally failing me. I didn’t know what I was going to do, but this time I was not going to let her get away. I crossed the street, slowly picking up my pace. I had to keep her in my sight.

Once I crossed the street, I realized what I was doing. I was about to go talk to someone that I have thought about since the age of 16, and I wanted her to be the person that I marry. I wanted to call her mine, come home to her everyday. But there was one problem with my plan that I was trying to act out. She didn’t know who I was. To her, I would be some stranger that is coming up to her in the middle of the street.

I needed to come up with a plan quick, so as I studied her trying to figure out something to say that wouldn’t be super weird. I walked up to her, and this was my moment. I didn’t want my voice to fail me and it didn’t, which I was happy for. “Hi. ah excuse me… miss.” I spoke faster than I would have liked, and shoved my hands into my pockets to try and be…. casual?

She stopped walking and turned to me, that smile that I love present on her lips. “Yes? Is there something I can help you with?”

I smiled and studied her face, never wanting to forget it. But this is where I messed up… I had no idea how pretty she was up close and because of that I was at a loss for words. Everything that I was going to say had left like a dog chasing a bird, fast and sudden with no chance of stopping it. She stared at me for a moment, that perfect smile wavering.

“Well sir?” Her words were more careful this time, probably because I was scaring her.

I didn’t know what to say, but I had to say something, and quick. “I ah.. I’m James and I really need to figure out what food the coffee shop has over there?” Right then and there, I wish I could have left my body at that time, I would have. I would have jumped out and kicked myself in some place, but I couldn’t so I didn’t. The mental facepalm was real though.

She looked in the direction that I was pointing and laughed to herself. “Oh, I’m Alexis, if you really want to know you should just go over there and look at their menu.” She turned back to me and smiled, and I once again got lost in that smile. It was a couple moments before I came back to reality and she was walking away, awkwardly.
I didn’t have a choice, I had to run after her. I didn’t know what I was doing until my legs were pulling me forward. “Please don’t go.” I called after her, not sure what to say. I never would have thought she’d turn around, but she did.

She looked at her, confusion written on her face. “Yes.” She tapped her foot, looking at me softly. I could tell she didn’t know how to feel about me, but I needed to make her like me. I needed her in my life.

“Look, I saw you the other day and I thought you were really pretty and I just wanted to talk to you.” I rubbed the back of my neck, the words came out in a rush and I took a deep breath. I was really hoping that she wouldn’t hate me, but instead she blushed.

“You think I’m pretty?” Her voice was small and careful, and her eyes dropped down to the ground while she shifted her weight to the side. I stared at her for a moment, not sure what to say.

“Of course I do, and I am sure others agree.” I took a small step toward her and she looked up at me. There was a moment, a pause where we just looked at each other. That moment ended with her dropping her gaze and taking a step back.

“I have to go. I have to get to my job.” She didn’t look at me before she turned around and walked away.
I couldn’t bring myself to say anything. I just watched her go, walking faster than she was before. The only thing I could think was, I scared her away. I quickly wiped the thought from my mind, and turned away from her. There was nothing I could do anymore, so I decided that it was time for me to go home.

I walked home slowly, not ready for what I was going to find on the other side of the door. But what I found was the same when I left, a loving girlfriend that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with… right?

When you see someone in the hospital, you are bound to be concerned. I walked out of my wife’s room after telling her that I was getting some water. After a minute or two of walking around I found what I was looking for, some cold water and I quiet place to think. I was about to have a baby and I was happy. My family was coming along and everyone was overly happy for me and my wife of two years.

I was making my way back to the room where my wife needed me when I saw her, and not the way that I wanted to either. She was being wheeled in at a rate that anyone would be concerned with. There were several medics around her, trying to get her hooked to something that would keep her breathing. It broke my heart seeing her like that, needing machines to keep her alive. I know that I needed to be there with my wife, but I also needed to make sure that she was ok. I followed the medics who were frantically yelling for a doctor and a room. One of them turned to me and asked me something and I nodded not really sure what he said.

“I am her family. I was notified.” That was a lie, I was far from a member of family. But it didn’t look like there was anyone there for her like there should be, so what was the harm of a little lie. The man looked at me for a second before motioning for me to follow him to where they were keeping her.

When I got there, she was breathing but not awake. I didn’t know what to do, and I could not sit there and watched her as she could possibly take her last breaths so I didn’t. I walked out of the room quietly, taking mental note of where her room was. I needed to get back to my wife before she had the baby, I mean I needed to there for her and today was not the time to have distractions or that is what I thought at least.

Walking into my wife’s room she smiled at me. “Welcome back, did you find the water?”

I nodded slowly, trying to focus on what was right in front of me. “Yes, I did find the water and I ran into an old friend.” I smiled as I thought about her, not really meaning too but at this point it kinda just happened.

“Oh how nice, what’s his name?” She smiled up at me, even though she was in a great amount of discomfort.

“Luke.” At that moment, I don’t know why I lied and told her that it was actually a guy but I did so I couldn’t really back out now. “Anyway, how are you feeling?”

After several minutes of talking I got this really bad feeling in the pit of my stomach and I had to excuse myself from the room. I needed to go find her and make sure that everything was ok. I walked back to the room, and was strongly hoping that someone would be there for her when she needed it. But once I got to the room I found no one there.

I quietly knocked on the door, and waited for her to answer. “Who’s there?”

“It’s me, James.” I called through the door, not sure if she wanted me in there. After all, I barely talked to her, that could be weird.

“James?”

“Yeah, I was here when you got wheeled in, and I wanted to check on you. Wanted someone to be here with you.” 

She smiled the smile that made me melt from the inside out, and her entire body relaxed. “I’ve been seeing you everywhere.”

“Yeah, but I swear I’m not stalking you. If anything, I was here first today..” I was mentally kicking myself so many times for that comment. I didn’t know what to say at this point, I was just barely in the room and as far as I was concerned, I was just some weird kid that happened to run into this girl that I was in love with.

“Yeah, there are people so much worse than you that could have showed up.” I laughed lightly, not sure what else to do in the situation.

“So… ah…” I rubbed the back of my neck wishing that words would actually work when I needed them. “What happened?”

“An accident, I kinda pass out at the wheel.” She looked down at her hands and my heart broke. I hated seeing her this upset, I just wanted to pull her into a hug and never let her go.

“Did anyone else get hurt?”

“No. Just my car. But it still shouldn’t have happened.”

I again didn’t know what to say so silence filled the room. I didn’t want to tell her that I was about to have a kid with my wife and starting a family was really important to me. It just felt like it would be a lie to say I was happy with what was about to happen.

But all of that didn’t matter, she asked anyway. “So. What are you doing here?”

“I wanted to make sure you were ok.”

She laughed lightly and I smiled. That laugh made me so happy. “Thank you for that, but I meant what brought you to the hospital.”

“Oh.” This was the moment I could lie to her and everything would be ok, or I could tell her the truth and watch that smile possibly fall off her face. I decided to go with the right answer, and sighed.

“My wife is about to have a baby, a boy.” I tried to smile but she nodded slowly, almost understanding and it broke me.

“What are you doing in here then. You have a wife to be there for, and a baby to hold.”

“Yeah, I should probably go.” I turned to leave the room and looked back at her quickly. “I will come back when I am done if you are still here.” I gave her a small smile and left the room.

I made my way back to my wife’s room, and from the other side of the door there was screaming, and crying. I sighed quietly before shaking her out of my head and walking into the room.

She was in the middle of having her baby. I decided not to say anything and just take my position next to her like I was maybe standing there the whole time. I held her hand and did my part, making sure she didn’t give up on our child. I was doing what I needed to, what I was told to weeks before the delivery but my mind wasn’t there. My mind was with Alexis, probably the last place it should have been, but that is where it was at.

Later that day when the baby was born and my wife gave me a thorough screaming at for almost missing the birth of my child, I bolted. I needed to see if Alexis was still here, and I needed to make sure that she was ok. I ran to her room and my heart dropped when I saw that it was empty. The last thing that I wanted was for her to be gone, what if I didn’t see her again. I walked away from the room and the nurse was looking at my strangely.
It’s not like I wanted to say something to her but I had questions. “When did the lady in that room, over there, Alexis, leave?”

The nurse looked at me for a moment before actually answering the question. “About a half hour ago. Why do you ask?”

“I was just wondering. I was with her before, and I wanted to see how she was doing?”

“Wait. Are you James?”

“Yes. I am.”

The nurse smiled and handed me a small piece of paper, and walked away not watching me open it. I watched her walk away for a moment, not understanding what was going on. Very carefully, I unfolded the paper and smiled.

Hey. Thanks for being there when no one else was.
262-457-5310 Would love to get to know you a little
Alexis

I looked down at the paper, trying to understand what was actually going on. In that moment I thought I was just being creepy and weird, which I probably was. But she actually wanted to talk to me, and she gave me her number. This was the best day of my life, but as far as my wife was concerned it’s because I just had a child.

I love playing with Ben. At this point, he had gotten so big, my little ball of energy. Every night when I come home from work that is what I did. Normally it was wooden blocks or legos, but tonight was different. He wanted me to teach him how to swim in the pool. My wife and I were putting it off for a while, feeling that he was much too much to be able to swim, but I knew the time was coming.

That night I brought home some floaties, and of course he was already in his suit that I got for him and bouncing off the walls. “Daddy, swim time.” He ran up to me and hugged my legs as tight as he could.

I looked down at him and laughed. “Of course buddy. Let me put my stuff down and say hi to mommy.”

“YAY.” He took off down the hall and out the back door. I watched him go, and shook my head again.

“You are one lucky Daddy.” My wife came up behind me and wrapped her arms around my waist.

“I am. I have a great family.” I turned around and kissed her forehead, and looked down at her. “How was your day?”

“Just a lot of busy work, but I got home early and had a little down time.” She looked up at me and in that moment my head wandered to my other family that didn’t quite exist in any form of reality.

“Down time is good.” I spoke slowly, trying to bring myself back to the swing of things that are actually real.

She looked at me confused for a moment. “Are you ok?”

“Yeah, I’m fine. Ben is waiting, I need to go get ready for him.”

I ran up stairs happy to be out of that situation. Before I was about to change, my pocket buzzed. I took out my phone and saw that she texted me, asking how my day was. I didn’t respond because I didn’t want to keep my son I changed quickly and before I walked out of my room, I saw Ben playing on the ladder of the pool not yet in the water. I laughed to myself and walked outside. “You ready Ben?”

“Yeah!” He was so happy to be able to learn how to swim.

I jumped into the pool, and swam over to the side. “Alright champ. I need you to not let go of the ladder until I am there alright? I don’t want you going under the water.”

Ben nodded his head and climbed into the water, clutching the ladder like his life depended on it. I swam over to him and wrapped my arm around his waist. We worked on practicing and getting him comfortable with the water over his shoulders when I heard my name get called and my world came crashing down.

My wife came out of my house, holding my phone. “James. This girl called and left a message. I didn’t listen to it, but I thought you would like to know.”

I didn’t think anything of it at first, but something was telling me that I should. “What is the name of the caller.”
“It says Alexis. There is no last time.”

Everything stopped in that moment and I didn’t know what to do. I crawled out of the pool, forgetting my son was in there with me.

“Daddy.” He called after me, struggling to stay above water.

I turned around and blinked for a moment, not sure what to do. I knelt down and picked him up out of the pool and smiled. “We are gonna have to continue this later. Daddy has a class he has to make. Ben nodded but looked crushed, he never did like when I put other people first. “I’m sorry Ben. The last thing I want to do is make you upset.”

“It’s ok. We can swim later.” He smiled up at me, and I wrapped a towel around him.

“Alright. Why don’t you go get changed and maybe we can have a fire and a movie tonight.”

That got him to smile the bright smile that I loved to see, and he bound off into the house. I turned to my wife and sighed, carefully taking the phone from her.

“Who is so important that you have to hurt your son like that? Who is this Alexis?”

“She is just a friend, but she never calls so it must be important.”

She gave me a look that told me I should watch myself but of course I just smiled and kissed her cheek, unlocking my phone. I walked to the drive and started pacing while I called her.

“Hey, what’s going on?” When she picked up the phone, I got a rush of concern.

She didn’t respond for a moment, and that minute of silence all but killed me. “I just needed to hear your voice I guess.” She didn’t sound like her normal self, distant.

“Is everything ok?”

“Yeah, it’s just..” She trailed off, and I just wanted her to talk to me.

I didn’t want to push it, but I also needed to make sure that she was ok. “You know you can talk to me right?”

“I know, I just don’t know how I want to say some stuff.” Her voice was soft on the other line of the phone, and suddenly I felt helpless.

“I understand that, but I am here if you want to talk. You don’t have to do it right now.” I tried to put a smile into my words and maybe make her feel a little better, but I don’t think it worked.

“Yeah. I know. I think I’m gonna go.” There was a pause on the other line, and I shifted awkwardly. “I will talk to you later.”

She tried to make it sound lighthearted, like everything was ok but I knew it wasn’t. “Ok.” I wanted to sound strong with her, but I knew that is not what was happening at that moment. I just didn’t know what to do. I let her go, and slowly locked my phone. I paced the length of my driveway not sure what to do. I wish there was something that I could have done, but without knowing what was wrong there was nothing.

I slowly made my way back inside and my wife was watching me through the window, but I didn’t notice. “Is everything ok, James?”

“Yeah. Yeah, I’m fine.” I dismissed what I was feeling and walked into the living room.
There was my son, sitting there in front of the TV. When he saw me walk into the room he smiled and jumped up. “Dad!” He was such a happy kid, and I loved that about him. I sat down on the couch but didn’t say anything. Ben crawled onto my lap, and that is where we sat until he had to go to bed. I loved being with my son, but in that moment my mind was elsewhere. With Alexis.

2014- A few months later - 29 years old.

He stops getting texts and calls from her. He starts getting worried and whenever he gets the change he calls her. The next day, he gets a call from one of her family members telling him that she died and he shouldn’t call anymore.

He looked up and saw his 5 year old kid and wife playing outside. He felt bad, he had a life and he had to move on.

“That is my story of you.”

Goes out and plays with his kids.

When you talk to someone every day for about 4 years, you start to depend on that conversation to take place. The day that, that stops you very much notice. I waited a day to get the text, or even a response to my messages that I sent, but there was nothing.

When I got home from work, I called her multiple times but nothing was working. Alexis was not answering my texts or picking up my phone calls, and I knew there was something wrong. I sat there on the couch, my eyes fixed on my phone in case the call that I was waiting for came in. I wouldn’t make her wait for a moment, I would jump so high and answer the phone.

But nothing came. I looked up, through the front window, I could see my wife and Ben playing outside. They were laughing and having a good time playing whatever game Ben decided to come up with this week. A smile tugged at my lips as I watched them before my phone started to ring.

My eyes darted to the phone but it wasn’t Alexis, it was some number that I didn’t recognize. I decided that it would be best to answer it, so I did. “Hello, this is James.” For all I knew it could have been someone from my job, and being professional would be good. I didn’t know how wrong I was until they spoke.

“This is Martha.” Her voice was choked, and I could tell she had been crying. “From what I understand you were close to my daughter, Alexis.” There was a pause on the other line. “You were the person she contacted the most.”

“Up until a couple months ago.” I muttered into the phone, hoping that she didn’t hear that but of course she did.

“I understand that. The last few months were a challenge for her to deal with, and she didn’t want to bring others into her problems.”

“Why are you talking about her in a past tense.” Then it clicked and I started to shake. “What happened to her?”

“About four months ago Alexis was diagnosed with cancer, and she didn’t know what to do. I know she was going to reach out to you but I guess she decided against it.”

I didn’t know what to say, it was so much to take in. I shook my head, even though I knew that no one would be able to see what I was doing. My body started to shake, and tears threatened to spill down my face.

“I know she called me and it didn’t sound like she was in the best place, but she told me that she didn’t want to talk about it. What happened?”

“Alexis died this morning, and we didn’t know who of her friends needed to know right away. We figured that you guys were close so you were the first one that I told.”

I didn’t know what to say, so I didn’t say anything. I just waited for her to speak again.

“The funeral is on Saturday just so you know, and if you wanted to, she wanted me to give you something.”

There was a brief pause and I could feel the numb sweeping through my body. “She wrote you a letter that she didn’t know if she could tell you in person, or even over the phone. If you can’t make it to the funeral I understand, but I really want you to have it.”No it was my time to speak, and I didn’t think my voice would work.

But it did, my voice didn’t fail me this time. “Would it be possible to email it to me?”

Alexis’s mother sighed. “Yes, if that is what’s needed. Then yes, I can do that.”

I said goodbye to her and dropped my phone into my lap, I didn’t know what to do. There was nothing I could do, the women I loved had died and she didn’t even tell me that she was going through that in the first place. I didn’t know what to do. I sat there for a moment, in shock, just looking at the floor.

After about five minutes I looked up, and through the window I could still see my family having a good time. A part of me wanted to go mourn the death of Alexis, not that I knew how to do that. On the other hand, I really wanted to go be happy with my wife and kid and just be happy like I’m sure Alexis would want. I didn’t know if she loved me or thought of me as a friend, but I wanted to make her happy with the life that I lived. At that moment I realized that I had to move on and be happy with the life that I had, and not take anything for granted.

That is my story of you. I smiled and stood up, being stable enough to move for the first time in about 30 minutes. I needed to be happy, if not for Alexis but for Ben. He was going to need his father in the years to come and I was going to do everything in my best interest to be there as he needs me. I walked outside and laughed.

“Can I play too?”

Maria looked up at me and smiled, and Ben charged me. “We are playing pretend, you want to play too?”

I picked up my son and nodded. “Of course I want to play, but I need to ask first because that is what you do when you want to join something.”

“Of course Daddy. Come play.”

And we played. Until the sun went down, then we went inside and had a fire and watched a movie that Ben picked out. It was a good night, and I couldn’t wait for more days like this.