They’re fighting again. The rounds of self-pity fill the air. I can see my dad losing all life in his eyes. I try to comfort him, but he snaps at me. “What do you know huh? Never spend any time with us. Always reading that book meant for children,” he says. I feel my eyes water as I rush up the stairs. I can hear my mom scolding him from downstairs.
I sit in my room as they fight. My mother threatening to get a divorce, but I knew she just did it to make him shut up. It would force him to calm down so she would reconsider. It’s harsh and cold, but that’s how my mother has always been. I forget what hope feels like for things to get better. Every night I read the stories of Peter Pan and Neverland. I like to pretend I’m a lost boy and I’m accepted there.
Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to live in Neverland. An eternal escape from all the bullshit I have to face at home. I could be a boy, and I could play all day. I wouldn’t be grown up. My face would be free of all the stress in my life. The scars covering my arms would disappear. The need to end it all would disappear. I wouldn’t have to.
Recently, my friend gave me a bag of “happiness” he calls it. “Don’t take it all at once.” I remember he told me. I grab the bag and shake it, the pill rattling around. What would happen if I took it all? I don’t have much going for me. The moon’s comforting light isn’t out tonight.
I grab my water bottle, and grab a handful of pills, swallowing each one individually. I lay back in my bed and I drift to sleep. I’m shaken awake to see playful green eyes greeting me. Dressed in all green, and had the curliest brown hair. I sit up and push him away from me.
“Who the Hell are you?” I say.
“Oh sorry man. I always forget the boring introduction part. My name is Peter Pan, and I’m here to take you away to Neverland.”
I feel my face scrunch up into confusion. “But, Peter, you come for lost boys.”
“Yeah, and you think you’re a boy. Which odd because you look a lot like a girl.”
“I want, no I am a boy, I was just born with the wrong parts.”
“I wonder if there is some type of magic that can help you in Neverland.”
“Are you..”
A loud crash rings out through my house. “Look what you’ve done Lance! Made a complete mess. It’s your fault she thinks she’s a boy.” My face heats up, buried in my hands from embarrassment.
“Was that your mom?” Peter says.
“Yeah..”
He sits next to me as the awkward silence fills the air. He nudges my foot.
“Your mother is not very nice,” He eventually says.
“You could say that.”
A bitter chuckle escapes my mouth as a single tear falls. He wipes my cheek, and I don’t even feel it.
“I’ve seen a lot, having the job that I do,” He says, his eyes looking distant.
“I bet. Lost boys aren’t called lost boys for nothing.”
“Still. Usually these lost boys are runaways, or orphans.Usually trying to escape an abusive home. But I’ve never seen it like this. Your parents, they love you, unlike most lost boys I meet. They just can’t love the real you.”
I never thought Peter Pan could be so wise and thoughtful. He is afterall, a kid; yet here he is understanding my life when no one else has been able to.
“How can you tell they love me?” I say.
“It’s in the way they look at you, and want you to be what they think is normal. They love you and want to be safe. They want you to be happy.”
“Want me to be happy? They sure have a funny way of showing it.”
In a fit of anger, I get up and walk towards my bag of pills. There’s still some left.
“Will you bring me to Neverland, Peter?” I say, fiddling with the bag.
“I could, but I really wish you didn’t want me to.”
“Why not?”
I turn to face him as he leans against my window sill, a dark look crosses his features.
“Going to Neverland means never coming back here,” He says. “You stay a young boy forever, and there is no going back.”
“What’s the downside?”
“Please James, I know you. I know you’re hopes and dreams. Are you willing to give that up over one bad fight between your parents?”
I go to grab him by the lapel, only to miss as he ends up on the other side of the room. My head starts to ache and try to grab onto my dresser, but knock over my textbook, making a loud thump on the floor.
“You don’t know anything,” I manage bending over, slowly falling to the ground.
“Please stay James. You could have a life ahead of you. You could fall in love. Become a famous writer like you always wanted.”
His brown shoes fade in out of my vision. I look up he seems to start to fade.
“Peter, wait,” I say
“Look at you, barely able to speak. Let your parents come help you. Let me take away those pills and throw them far far away.”
“How’d you..”
My face hits the floor with a soft thud. The pills spill into the carpet, but if Peter did it or I did, I couldn’t tell. As I hear walking towards my room, I know I missed my chance. My vision starts to fade with the words “Goodbye Peter,” on my lips.