Now I See

Here I am lying on the cold bathroom floor. The shiny white tiles gleam in the bright lights. The clear water runs, to make it seem as if I am busy.

Tears run down my face as I lay against the bathtub and look up at the white ceiling. One by one I swallow the pills, like water. I am lost in a big world that is fighting against me. There is no point. My thoughts are bullets, each of them hurt me. I cry and cry, trying to make sure I can not be heard. The tears are never ending, they just fall harder, and harder. I lay down completely and slowly shut my eyes. What is the point in life? I have nothing to live for.

I woke up to a fist pounding on the door. I quickly opened my eyes and jumped up. The lights seemed brighter than usual.
“Who is it!” I yelled, as I grabbed the evidence and threw it in the medicine cabinet.
“Open the door, Leilani,” my older sister said with attitude.
I opened the door, and looked passed her as I ran out of the bathroom. My heart thumped faster and faster, I was very confused and didn’t know what to do. No, no, no my plan didn’t work! I began to panick and I barged into my room, and leaped onto my bed. I pushed my face into my purple pillow and screamed. The tears began again.
“Ahhh , I hate this!” I shouted and I lifted my head up and threw the pillow on the floor.
“Leilani,” my mom exclaimed as she opened my bedroom door, “are you done unpacking yet?
I quickly turned away from her and wiped my tears away.  Why did I have to move here to this stupid city.
“No i’m not,” I whispered, “what do you want?”
“Leilani, stop it, you need to finish unpacking, and get ready for bed it's your first day at a new school tomorrow,” my mother said.
  She slowly walked out and slammed the door shut. I sprinted to my desk as I mocked her and grabbed my white apple earbuds. I plugged them into my phone, threw myself on the bed, and I put the volume all the way up. I closed my eyes and hummed the song until I fell asleep.
The next morning the sound of my music woke me up. I quickly opened my eyes and checked my phone, I turned off the music and looked at the time.
Six oclock, I woke up just on time. Yay.
I slowly got off my bed, opened my bedroom door, and strolled to the bathroom. By seven o'clock I was ready. I walked out the front door and got into the car.
“Good morning ,Leilani,” my mother said with her squeaky voice.
I turned away and looked out the window pretending I couldn't hear her the whole car ride. All I could think about was how bad my day was going to be. I already hate this city, and i'm really not looking forward to going to a new school. No one is going to like me, I'm so worthless. I just want to  give up.
“Leilani,” my mother said, “ we are here c'mon get out the car.”
I looked to the side, and there it was,my new school. The sky was a beautiful blue and there were birds flying everywhere. There was green grass and all types of flowers outside the gates of the enormous two-story school.  I looked at my mother as we began to walk. As we walked into the entrance my heart dropped and my head ached. My emotions were out of control. I'm going to faint.
I looked down and when I looked up there was a short girl about my age with light brown hair smiling at me. She must be crazy.
“ Hi Im Elaina,” she said with a bright white smile, “you must be new.”
“Uhh yeah I am.”
“C’mon follow me i'll take you to all your classes just get your schedule first.”
I walked to the office asked for my schedule then I followed her. First she showed me all my classes and just talked to me about the school. She was really nice and I was glad that I met her first. Unfortunately we had no classes together so she dropped me off at my first class.
“Well it was really nice meeting you, if anything I hang out in the library at lunch so if you want to hang out i'll be there,” she said.
“Okay well thank you so much bye,” I said not knowing what to do next.
I walked into the class while I was shaking with fear. My first intention was to run out and hide. The spotlight was on me, all the eyes of the students were just staring at me.
“Hello, you must be Leilani,” the tall male teacher with gray hairs and a long beard said, “ take a seat right there.
He pointed at an old brown desk that had a broken black chair connected to it. I sat down and just looked straight the whole time. Before I knew it it was second period. I grabbed my schedule and checked to see what my second period was. I had pe second period, so I walked to the gym. At first I was confused about where to go, but the gym was right behind me. I opened the gym door, and walked into the gym. When I walked in all the girls were sitting down talking, and the boys were playing basketball. As I walked to the end of the gym I saw a cute boy with green eyes and light brown hair. I looked at him the whole time I was walking until I almost bumped into the wall. A tall skinny girl with brown hair taps my shoulder and begins to talk.
“Hey im Nadia, you're pretty, and if you're wondering, his name is Raul,” she said as she turned back and looked at him.
“Uhh uhh I um, I'm leilani,” I said with a stutter.
“Nice name, new girl, c'mon i'll introduce you to my friends, you're hanging out with me today.”
The rest of the day I hung out with her and her weird yet cool friends.
My day was a series of bright beautiful memories. The people at my school were so friendly and accepting, the smiles I received from everyone filled me up with joy.
The food was amazing.
The smell of the hot greasy,cheesy pizza made my mouth water.
My mind relaxed, as I drank the cold refreshing, sweet caramel frappuccino.
The bright pink of the campus was beautiful.
Everything started to go good for me.  I feel so great everything is going good. I like this school so much. I could not stop thinking happy thoughts.
As I walked out of the marvelous school campus I saw the shadow of a boy behind me. I could see his arm reach out to me. I didn't know what do and my whole body tensed up. When I thought about turning around his soft smooth hand latched onto mine. I slowly turned around and it was the cute boy Raul. When I realized it was him I felt like all this weight was lifted off my shoulders.
His beautiful green eyes looked into mine and I felt butterflies in my stomach.Oh no! What do I do? What if I say something stupid in front of him? What if I embarrass myself?
“Hey i'm not sure if you know this yet but i'm Raul,” he nervously said as he was still holding my hand  “uhh I wanted to know if you wanted to go out some…”
  I smiled so big and opened my mouth , but before I could answer something stopped me. Then there was a loud snap. My eyes automatically shut, and my mind froze.
  I woke up to a fist pounding on the door. What is happening, why am I in the  bathroom again? Was that a dream?  I turned to the side and the bottle of pills were right there. I was so confused and my vision was blurry.  I slowly stood up but my head was spinning. I looked back and saw myself right there laying down on the cold bathroom floor. The bathroom door was kicked down by my mother and some paramedics. I felt empty and knew what would happen next.
  My mother threw herself on the floor next to me while she was sobbing. She reached her arms out to me and held onto me.
“ No no no Leilani what have you done,” she said as she sobbed and couldn't continue to speak.
  The paramedics checked for a pulse but they could not find one.
“No pulse,” a paramedic called out.
“ No!” my mother sobbed as she held onto my lifeless body, “ my sweet leilani don't leave me!”
  What have I done no , no. This can't be real it can't be. I felt pure anger and felt so regretful. Im selfish, im so selfish. I love you mom.  I started to sob and fell onto my knees , then I realized I didn't have a “dream” it was a vision, a vision of how my life could've been.