It was a late Sunday night and I had to be up early the next morning to catch my flight. The anticipation alone was keeping me awake, but at the same time so was the uncertainty of how the next week was going to go. I was like a little kid on Christmas Eve, I know I needed to get sleep but the harder I tried to fall asleep the more awake I felt. I’ve never been out of the United States before, let alone Washington so this was really a big step for me. Regardless of all the reservations I have, my family has, and even my doctor has I don’t care. This is my time.
I didn’t get any sleep but I still was ready on time to head to the airport. My best friend Alexis was coming on the trip with me. It was a self-discovery trip. My last Vacation. We were headed to Miami, then on to Europe for a week of exploration. Alexis beeped the horn and I ran like a cheetah to her car with my bags. “Hurry up,” Alexis yelled. “You don’t want to be late do you?” I looked at her and rolled my eyes. “We’re two hours ahead of schedule,” I said sarcastically. She smiled and sped down the street the moment I shut my door.  Her car was a rocket speeding down the street, I was sure we were going to get a ticket. We didn’t. I wasn’t understanding why she was speeding when we weren’t going to be late. We were two hours early but I didn’t question her. I never did.
The airport was a refrigerator, which didn’t make sense because it was cold enough outside already, I’d think it would be warm inside. As soon as we got inside we took care of our bags so we wouldn’t have to rush to do it later. Alexis looked at me and asked me if I wanted anything to eat, I replied no. “Your loss,” she said as she smirked and walked away, leaving me to stand by myself in the middle of the airport. I sat down on a chair closest to me and I pulled out my phone. I scrolled on Instagram and saw all of the people I went to high school with posting pictures from parties. I was never that type of girl. I used to be content with staying home and focusing on my grades. Now that high school was over, I wanted all of that to change. I wanted to be the fun girl. The girl who was outgoing and up for anything. It was time for me to be that girl.
Thirty minutes went by since I last saw Alexis and I was beginning to get worried. It was still early in the morning, about 8am, and there weren’t that many people around. I tried calling her phone, no answer. I texted her and I got no response so I decided to try and go find her. There were only 3 places to eat in our airport so that’s where I was headed to first. I didn’t even have to go far, a saw her talking to two boys in Starbucks. Typical Alexis. “Um Hey,” I called out to her. “Lauren hey! Sorry I met these cool guys when I was getting us a drink,” she said. “Turns out they’re going to Miami too! Same flight and everything!” Great. “Lauren come over here stop being shy, I was just telling them about you.” “Okay, just a second,” I said hesitantly, “I’m coming.” I walked over to Alexis and the two guys and was greeted with smiles. One guy waved, and the other just stared at me smiling. “I’m Lauren,” I said. “Hey. I’m Brentley. It’s nice to meet you. Looks like we’re going to be on the same flight huh? That’s pretty cool.” I turned to the other guy, the one who was just staring at me smiling. I repeated myself again, “I’m Lauren.” “I’m Jayce. Nice to meet you Lauren.” His eyes were fireflies, lighting up so beautifully.
We had thirty minutes until it was time for us all to board our flight and in the meantime we sat down and talked to the two boys. They were similar to us, best friends going to Miami together to try and find something they’re missing. Trying to have new experiences that might help them find themselves. I had the most in common with Jayce. It was simple things, things that are just on the surface. We like the same movies, read the same books, liked the same food, had the same love for dogs. It was nice being able to talk to someone who shared the same similar interest as I did. Talking to Jayce was a breath of fresh air. Alexis looked like she was really enjoying Brentley’s company, she was laughing and smiling like a little kid. After all, laughter is the music of the soul. We decided we would all walk together to board the flight then reevaluate our plans after we landed.
I have never been on an airplane before so I was pretty nervous of how it was going to go. Right before it was time for us to take off it started to rain. Nice. That didn’t help calm me down, I just closed my eyes and hoped for the best. The rain was a monster. I was scared the flight was going to get canceled or delayed but it didn’t. All of the sudden the rain just stopped and the sun came out, bright as a thousand stars. The plane started to shake badly at takeoff and I thought I was going to die. I looked over at Alexis and she was laughing at me, practically making fun of how I was reacting. Once we were up in the air everything was fine. I had a window seat so I could see everything. It was so cool looking out the window and being able to see everything from above. The clouds sailed across the sky. The plane was like a bird, seamlessly flying so naturally.
It didn’t seem like we were in the air for long even though we were for about 7 hours. I slept for most of the time, and for the time I was awake I watched a movie on my phone. For some reason I was thinking about Jayce and how everything was going to go once I got off the plane. I knew Alexis was thinking the same thing about Brentley too. It was time to get off the plane and I wasn’t nervous. I could see Alexis eyeing Brentley and it made me laugh. She looked at me and said “what’s so funny, huh? Don’t act like you aren’t excited.” She was right, I was excited. We were getting our bags when they walked to us with theirs. “How was the flight?” Jayce asked me. “It was good, I slept most of the time,” I said while laughing. “How was it for you Alexis?” “Oh it was good, I watched a few movies and listened to a new album. I’m starving though, is anyone else or is it just me?” We all agreed that we were hungry and decided to go get something to eat together. The Miami sun and heat was a hot spell. The weather here was totally different than the weather in Washington but I liked it. It was a good change. We got a taxi and headed to this Mexican restaurant, taking all our bags inside with us. I sat next to Jayce and of course Alexis sat next to Brentley.
I was having such a good time hanging out with them, which was so out of my comfort zone but I liked it. We were all laughing and telling jokes, getting to know each other the right way. They didn’t feel like strangers to me, it felt like I knew them for a long time as if they were good friends. The food was fire. Literally so spicy we thought we were going to explode. “Here guys, suck on this lime it helps,” Brentley said to us. We all stuck a lime in our mouth and it helped to our surprise. “Where did you learn that trick from,” Alexis asked flirtatiously “it’s pretty cool.” “I learned it when I went to Cancun, now you learned a new trick.” Jayce looked at me and smiled. “Food too spicy huh?” “Yeah, just a little bit.” We laughed. Once we were done eating we decided to stay at the same hotel for the night, since me and Alexis’s second flight wasn’t until late the next day.
“Lauren, come here I want to talk to you about something.”
“Okay what is it Alexis?” I asked.
“I just want to make sure you’re doing okay, I mean you know why we’re going on this trip and I just wanted to make sure you’re okay and having fun.”
“Yeah I’m fine, and you know I’m having fun.”
“Good, I’m glad. Just let me know if you need anything you know I’m here for you.”

I was starting to forget why I was going on this trip until Alexis reminded me. It made me feel sad but after all, I needed to be having a good time. This week was going to be the best week of my life and I wasn’t going to let sadness and stress overcome me like I usually do. Jayce and Brentley knocked on the door of our hotel room. “Come on in,” Alexis yelled. “Do you guys want to go on a walk with us, there’s some band playing down the street and we wanted to check it out,” Brentley said while pacing around our room. Alexis looked at me smiling. I mean why not go, we’re in Miami. “Sure, we’re down to go. I’d love to,” I said while looking at Jayce. We were walking down the streets of Miami, having a good time with each other. This didn’t feel real. We heard the band playing so we knew we were getting close to it. We kept walking a block or two more and saw them. People were surrounded by them dancing to the music and living in the moment. Jayce grabbed my hand and we started dancing. I was having so much fun, and I could tell Alexis was too. She kept looking at me and smiling, I knew she was happy I was having a good time.
“We want to come to Europe with you guys, I want to go to Europe with you Lauren,” Jayce said to me. “You want to what?” “We want to come with you guys on your trip to Europe. Me and Brentley already talked to Alexis and she’s on board with it if you are…” I was so surprised I didn’t know what to say. “If you guys want to come then you should, I’m not going to say no and stop you from going on a trip.” “I know this is unexpected, but we enjoy hanging out with you and this trip is important to me for my own reasons.” “Then we’ll all go,” I said. “Book your ticket now.”
The next day consisted of us getting ready for our flight. We didn’t go out and do anything, we just stayed in the hotel room and waited until it was time to go to the airport. All of my fears about flying were gone, I was excited to get my adrenaline pumping again. On this flight Alexis and Jayce switched tickets so we could sit next to each other, I know why she did it but I didn’t say anything. I was happy for her. Her and Brentley were really getting along and I knew she was starting to like him. I was starting to like Jayce too. I was ready for this trip with him even if I just met him. Our first place we were going to was Paris. I’ve wanted to go there since I was a little girl so I was so excited. When we landed we went straight to our hotel and went to sleep. Everyone was extremely jet lagged, and decided to take the day off to rest.
When everyone was fully rested we decided to go explore the city together. Paris was so beautiful. The city looked just how it did in every picture and movie. Absolutely breathtaking. The city shined like diamonds. I looked up and Alexis was standing in front of me with her camera pointed at me. “Smile,” she said. Alexis loved taking photos but never of herself. I snatched the camera out of her hand and started taking pictures of her and Brentley. “Beautiful! How beautiful! Oh yes pose for me,” I screamed jokingly. Alexis’s lips were as red as roses, her teeth as white as pearls. She was beautiful. Brentley pulled her in for the last picture and gave her a kiss. I was so shocked but I didn’t say anything. I looked at Jayce and he just smiled and shrugged his shoulders.
The next few days I didn’t feel well and didn’t want to do much. My sickness started to catch up with me and Alexis and I both knew that. I didn’t want Jayce or Brentley to know because I didn’t want them to treat them differently. I stayed in the hotel alone 4 out of the 7 days we were in Paris while everyone went out and explored the city. I wanted to be with them but I was too sick and weak to go. I went out on the balcony to get some fresh air. The air was so crisp, like a perfect morning back in Washington. All of the sudden the weather shifted to dark, and very cold. A familiar feeling to me.
Eight months ago I was sitting in a cold hospital room, watching my crying mother stare at me while my doctor told me I would be dead within a year. When he told me that I wanted to die right then and there, I didn’t want to just sit around and wait to die. It was so hard to deal with. Every day was a struggle for me. It was so hard on my mom. For a few months she couldn’t be around me without crying. She blamed herself for some reason which I never understood, after all she didn’t make me sick. It’s just how life works out. I didn’t tell many people, only my family and Alexis knew about it. That’s why I was on this vacation. I wanted one last big trip with my best friend that she could always remember.
Someone suddenly put their hand on my shoulder and I turned around and it was Jayce. He saw me crying and he didn’t ask what was wrong. He just hugged me and said “I know, it’s okay to cry. I’m here.” So that’s what I did. I cried. I was crying because I met a guy that I liked that I wouldn’t be around to get to know. I was crying because I was going to be leaving my friends and family soon, my mom, Alexis. I was crying just because. Jayce wiped my tears away and kissed me. The next 3 days were a blur with him. We spent every second together, mostly on our own but sometimes with Alexis and Brentley. I was enjoying myself. All my pain went away. When it was time to catch our flight back to Washington I was so sad. I cried for hours but I knew this was bound to happen sometime.
When we were back in Washington we exchanged numbers. We didn’t live far from each other, only an hour or so, so we promised we’d stay in touch. I gave Jayce a long hug and a kiss, and I told him I’d call him when I could. The drive back to my house was depressing. Alexis showed me all the pictures she took of me and Jayce in Paris. They were beautiful. Two weeks went by and I still didn’t reach out to him. I just didn’t feel right doing it knowing my time was almost up. Another two weeks went by and I realized I needed to. I called him repeatedly but I got no answer. I figured that maybe I waited too long and he just didn’t want anything to do with me anymore. I accepted that it was too late. Two days later Alexis called me crying. She said that Brentley told her Jayce died in a car accident driving to Seattle to see me. My heart dropped and broke into a million pieces. I was the one supposed to die, not him.
Alexis tried to comfort me but I didn’t let her. I pushed her completely out of my life. I wanted to be alone even though my days were running out as well. Every day I looked at the pictures of me and Jayce and cried. He changed me in such a short amount of time. He showed me to be vulnerable and to say yes to anything and everything. I was the girl I always wanted to be. I wish I could’ve thanked him. I called Alexis and told her I was sorry for shutting her out. She came over and we talked about everything. We reminisced on our trip to Paris and all the memories we made together.
A month went by and I found myself in the cold, dark hospital room again. I was surrounded by Alexis and my mom. They were crying but I wasn’t. I had 10 months to accept my death and I did. I was finally okay with dying. It’s natural. It happens to everyone. This was my time. The swift breeze I felt on the balcony in Paris came in my room, I closed my eyes and whispered goodbye and that was it. That was my last vacation.