I didn't think I'd get this far. To me flirting with scissors, knives, my life. I started doing this recently. It is ingrained in my mind. I think about it every second of the day. No one knows this. Just me. Just. Me.
     I think about death and how to kill. I also think about if someone had given me a gun and said I could fire one shot with no repercussions, I would shoot myself.
     I think that if there was one wish I could make, it would be to go back to when was nothing but an infant. Cliché, I know. School has been stressful lately. Every year worst than the last. I hate the atmosphere. Learn, eat a putrid mess, test, repeat.
     Of course, I could say school treats me better than most. I'm a straight-A student who has never gotten anything below an A in their life. I hate that I want it so bad.
     I always carry my scissors around at school, hanging them on my pencil case so that if I fall, maybe I'll land on them. A tragic “accident” that so many in my school want to happen to them.
     I'm sure that you're probably thinking, “Bah, what a lie.”. But it's a sad truth I'm willing to admit. Student mental health is not of the administrators interest. That is reserved for test scores and only test scores.
     I know now that being a good student directly translates to being constantly stressed, depressed, and constantly terrified. By terrified, I mean afraid of what would happen to yourself if you got a bad grade. Terrified that maybe you’ll be pushed to the edge, with death the only means of escape. Terrified that you’ll never be able to say what you want -- no, need- to say.
     Of course, I’ve made peace with this side of myself. I came to an agreement with it: It may forever fill my body but may never take it away from me. I now grab onto everything I can. Be it a book, song, show, person. I grab it and I squeeze out its worth, fulfilling my own worth.
     There may be a day where this conscious habit will become a desert in the middle of a sea. I dread the coming of that day as I do most days.
     However, may this be this be a lesson to you. Never sacrifice your mental health for a material reason. Even if you are told it holds the key to your future. I think about this every waking hour. It fills me to the brim of sadness. I weep to the souls as lost as I am. I weep to the souls who ache with inadequacy. And I weep to those stuck in the blinding wrath of their life, brain, emotions, and body that they will never completely own for themselves.
     Keep going onwards through the spiral of your life and keep your mind at ease. One day you will never think about the days today. Strive to reach that point and rejoice by accepting it.