She never needed him. Not really. She had already been in love before, right before she met him. There was no need for that s*** in her life, but she suppose that’s not for herself to decide.
She had loved the boy before him with a fierce passion, a flame that burned everyone involved. When That Boy cheated, she went off the deep end- she stayed home every night, in the corner room of her crooked house. Surrounded by her own tears, begging God to never allow her to experience it again. It. The pain, the uttermost pain to love someone only to watch it burn. She let the flames go out, slowly but surely, until all that remained were the ashes and scars on her heart.
When she left that boy behind and transferred schools, she thought for sure her heart was safe. She knew better- until he came along.
The way they met was typical: across the room, eyes met, died to know one another’s name. A week later, it turned out he was a classmate of hers, and although everyone warned her, she went after him as she did with boy before. They warned don't do it, he is dangerous. But that silly girl forgot those scars on her heart from the boy before and the flames of love that turned to ashes. She dove right in.
Don't be pessimistic- their love was real most of the time. He cared for her, he did. He wasn't abusive, or cruel, or untrue like the boy before. But he and she were naive. He thought she were to be perfect 24/7, and she thought he was to be hers forever. They loved, but on a bed of fragile lies, bound to break in due time.
Oh, when that time came. He realized her imperfections, the way she loved him too much, too hard. He used her passion against her, but did he see it could not be helped? That the love she gave was not her choice? No. He held her heart against her, and she ended up always being the one who apologized. She said she was sorry for being herself, her stupid stubborn self, and he never could accept her. So he walked away.
I understand now why. That girl loved in such a fearless way, to give herself up in hopes a man will fill herself up in ways she never could. But now, she, the woman I am, knows better than to fall in love when I am unable to love myself first.
I don't know who she is anymore, the girl I was, who needed someone else’s love. I know my worth, and have been set free.