I never thought I would have to make this decision. So many thoughts have been racing through my mind. My heart stops, and I come to the realization that it’s time. Time to be different time to stand out. My name is Ashley Growlando. I am 14 years old, go to Ridge Wood Middle school, and I am different from everyone else. Things come different to me then it does to other people. Every since I was born I was told I wouldn’t live past the age of 4, but here I am. My mother’s heart was crushed as she had just given birth to this beautiful baby girl (me). I am the oldest with 6 other siblings, and it is definitely a crazy house. When I am at school I am just a ordinary girl, but when I'm home no one knows the real me. I stand out when I don’t have my mask on. On March 17, 2015 the doctors figured out what was wrong with my body. It’s hard to believe that when I was younger I was just a normal baby who may not live long enough to see the next day. I have a disease called hyper jenterlaopromious. What this means is my body  has less red blood cells than white. It causes problems in my stomach and makes it so I cannot breath very well. Oh and another thing I am blind. I fit in because I go to a school where everyone is blind. I am different then most blind people because I can see blobs of blackness, unlike everyone else who all they see is black. I just cannot make out anything.
I am also dying of heart failure. The heart failure was just something I found about when I was at my  checkup. I had explained to the doctor that I had been having some pretty bad chest pains, and that I coughed a lot. He took an x-ray and found out, that because my stomach  is so small from not having the right supply of cells, it’s putting too much pressure then it normally should on my heart. It is like it has to work double the normal speed to keep up with the rest of my body. My mother had a major break down in the doctor's office and I kept my cool. Inside I was crying for help like the never ending roller coaster of depression. We got up and left with the rest of kids at school, and my little sister who was 18 months didn’t know any different we sat in silence. My mother broke the silence by asking if we wanted to get some ice cream. I decided that for now that sounds like a great idea. Ice cream is pretty much the only food I can eat without it having to be in a tube. We stop at the drive through and I ask for my favorite flavor: peach. As my mom orders the ice cream I sit and listen to what it will be like when I am gone. I wondering if the man I am supposed to marry is going to miss me. I also wonder what it will be like to live in heaven. Will I see grandpa? Will my great grandma remember me? My thoughts are interrupted by the man bringing out the ice cream. I take a bite and wonder if this is going to be the last time I would eat my favorite ice cream. My mom takes a big breathe and slowly starts to speak. “I hear that there are donors who give their hearts when they pass away and we can sign you up to have you on a waiting list.” “I don’t know mom that could be a while and I don’t know how much time I have left on the earth and if I don’t have a lot of time than I want to live life to the fullest”. “Sweetheart don’t talk like that there is always hope don’t ever stop believing”. The rest of the ride is in silence. I rush through the front door and fall on my bed. I look around and I see pictures of when I was little, so many medication bottles, and my grandpa’s cowboy hat. I close my eyes and dream, and think about everything that has happened in this past 14 years of my life. I here a bang and little kids screaming. I know that school is over so I rush down stairs to go say hello to all of my siblings. Being the oldest can be a pain, but it also comes with some perks. I love them all so much.  I am the oldest at 14 then there is Eli at the age of 10 then the Lyla at the age of 8 and then there is Kobie he is 6 then the twins Liza and Sammi. Then my baby sister Audrey.
I greet them with big smiles and we start to do our homework and get a snack. As we finish up our homework my dad walks into the door and we all tackle him. My mom comes over and gives him a kiss. I can see that she is still pretty upset about my heart but is putting up a good face. After dinner we get the little kids to bed. It is just me up now and I hear a smash of a glass bowl shatter across the floor. I creep downstairs I sit down and listen. “Why here Andrew I mean she has already gone through so much and to now find this out, it’s breaking her heart.” “I know babe but we just need to get through this there will be a donor soon I know. We just need to keep hoping and praying”. I sit waiting on the stairs and I start thinking again. In order for me to have a heart someone must pass away. In order for me to be happy I have to cause somebody else pain. This isn’t fair. I walk down the stairs to tell my parents that it’s not the right thing to do when the fun starts to ring. My mom answers “Hello”? “Hi this is Doctor Miears we have some news for you”. I can’t hear the rest I don’t know what is going to happen. I close my eyes and dream. I dream of a place far away where I can be free from the pain and troubles. My thoughts are interrupted by the smash of the phone. I know that my mom has dropped it and its has broken into a million pieces. I am so nervous I can’t think straight I start to get dizzy, and my body is swaying back and forth. I cry for help but my throat is so dry that I can’t say it loud enough. Boom! I fall to the floor.