“Sorry, Dri! I’ll fill you in on everything in a few minutes. There’s someone at the door.”, I typed as the lights above my new bedroom’s door flashed, indicating that someone was ringing the doorbell. I pulled myself off of my bed, and walked to the front door, only to be greeted by my new tutor. He seemed to be knocking on the door. I slowly opened it, and waved hello.
“You have a lot to catch up on this year, Melanie. Especially since you started right before midterms!”, he signed to me. I wasn’t up for doing any studying today, Or any day for that matter, at least since my mom died.
“Okay. Make yourself at home. I’ll be right back.”, I replied to him. I ran to my room and picked up my phone.
“Dri, I’m so sorry. My tutor came over. I’ll talk to you in a bit.” I put down my phone and sighed. I stood up and walked back to the kitchen where I found my tutor, spread out across the whole table.
“What subject would you like to start with?”, he signed to me.
“How about english and math today?”, I answered trying to look as enthusiastic as I could. English was my favorite subject. I always loved writing. Maybe it’s because I’ve never heard a word, so I try to make them look pretty on paper in hopes that they’ll sound as pretty as they look. Two and a half hours ticked by, and he finally left.
My phone lit up with a text from Adrianna, my online friend, “Hey, Mel, how was tutoring?”.
I immediately typed, “I forgot how satisfying it is to know more than they think. I used to study with my mom all the time.” I deleted the last sentence. It would just make her think that I haven’t gotten over my mom yet. It’s been six months. She wouldn’t understand why I feel so guilty, though. Nobody has to live with being as torn over this as I am. She died because I got into the argument. If I didn’t push for the cochlear implant, then she would have never driven away and gotten into the car crash. But at the same time, it wasn’t my fault that a drunk driver ran into her. I have this argument in my head all the time, and I always end up feeling like the guilty one.
“Aw, I’m glad that you’re starting to bounce back. It must be tough, with a new school tomorrow, and all.” The incoming text shook me out of my dark thoughts. “Hey! I thought you were going to fill me in on where your foster home is and what it’s like!”, Adrianna sent me in another text.
“Well, it’s in a small town in southern Maine. It’s a cute little house, but I haven’t really seen the new parents yet. They’re always at work. It’s okay though. I don’t mind.” I pressed send. It also doesn’t look like they have the time or patience to learn sign language for me. My mom learned sign language from the moment she found out that I was going to be born deaf. That was the moment my dad left. I guess that’s why I had to move up to Maine.
My phone lit up again, yanking me from my thoughts, “OMG, really?! Where in Maine did you move to? I live right on the border between Kittery and Eliot!”
“Um, I think it’s called Glenley? It’s super small. I haven’t seen it on any maps or anything.” I quickly typed back. I had tons of work to catch up on. I reluctantly started what Asher assigned me to have done by my first day. I didn’t end up getting much done because I was too stressed about my new school, new people, and my new interpreter.
I finished the work, and didn’t get much sleep. That part was normal. Sleep was like a rare gem to me at this point. In the morning, when I finally dragged myself out of bed, I put on the silver swan necklace that my mom gave me for my 16th birthday a few days before she got into the crash. I towed myself onto the bus. The ride was long and jerky. I sat there, looking out the window, and fidgeting with my hearing aid. I was nervous, and wanted my mom back to tell me that everything would be okay. Would it be okay though? My life seemed to be falling into a deeper and darker abyss as every day continued. As I walked into school, I could feel everyone’s eyes on me. They knew that I was different. I could feel it. I walked to the guidance office,my head down, looking at the pale blue and white tiled floor. When I got my schedule, my interpreter signed that she would stay with me all day and try to translate things students said to me.
My first class was Algebra II. I’m not very good at math, and it’s incredibly difficult to try to understand what seems like thousands of equations. I could read the lips of the people around me. They were talking about me. Suddenly, I couldn’t focus on the class. All I saw in my head was: “Ew, why does she have that nasty thing in her ear” “Who’s her bodyguard?” “She must need someone escorting her everywhere because she’ll get trampled” I couldn’t deal with it anymore. I stood up and asked my interpreter if I could go to the bathroom.
“Dri! They keep talking about me! What should I do?” I texted Adrianna, and asked her what I should do. She seemed like the kind of person who would be good at this kind of thing.
“Can you hear what they’re saying?” She responded. ‘No, I can’t hear anything,’ I wanted to say, but she wasn’t ready to know, or more like, I was afraid to let her know.
“No, but they’re whispering and looking at me.” I briskly typed back.
“Well, maybe you should try to get closer, and see what they’re saying.” I saw an response. Oh, if only she knew that no matter how close I get to them, I’ll never hear what they’re saying. 
“I’ll try. Thanks for all the help:)”
“No problem. Hey, Glenley is pretty close to Kittery. Do you want to meet up at the little coffee shop on the corner of Eldridge and Maple after school?” She responded after a few seconds of receiving the message. She doesn’t know. She would have to find out eventually. I couldn’t just live my whole life lying to my only true friend which whom I’ve never met. She’ll be understanding. What if she isn’t? No. Of course she will.
“Yeah, sure! I’ll see you there at 2:30? I’ll be there wearing a yellow maxi sundress.” My finger hovered over the send button. After a few seconds I worked up the courage to send it.
“Awesome! Can’t wait!!” An immediate retort came. What did I just pull myself into?
At the end of the day, I walked to the coffee shop. I sat down at the only empty table, and waited. There were too many people in there to fit, and I was lucky to snag a table before someone else did. Adrianna showed up after what seemed like forever. She sat down opposite of me, and said hello. I waved and picked up my phone. “There’s something I need to tell you…” I sent the text to her. She looked up from the notification, and stared at me with so many emotions in her eyes that it overwhelmed me. “Tell me then!” I saw her say to me. I signed “I’m deaf.” to her. Her eyes filled with sadness confusedness, and overwhelmingness all at the same time. “I’m so sorry,” she seemed to speak slower, “I don’t understand exactly what you said, but I’m guessing that you’re deaf because of the signing.” I nodded. There wasn’t much else for me to do. I just hoped that she would still accept me despite the language barrier.
“I’m not really sure what to say.” I saw her trying to enunciate as much as she could, which made me feel better. I started typing a new text telling her that she can talk normally, as long as she didn’t talk too fast, but then my phone died.
“My phone died, I’m so sorry.” I signed to her. Her face fell. She couldn’t talk to me. She doesn’t know my language. We finished our coffees and parted. I ran to the house, crying. My one true friend felt weird talking to me, so I had nothing. All of my family was dead, except my dad who ran away as soon as he found out that I was deaf, and I had no friends besides Adrianna Vasquez, who found it difficult to talk to me now.
I ran to Edward’s medicine cabinet, and took all of the pill bottles. I sat on the bathroom floor and dumped out all of them into a plastic cup. I stared at the dimly-lit checkered floor, wondering if I would be able to hear in heaven. I wondered if heaven really existed. I really hope it does because my mom would definitely be there if it does. If someone asked me if heaven . existed a year ago, the answer definitely would have been yes. Now, not so much. What kind of a God would let my mom die like that? She was a saint to me, and I really hope that that saint went to heaven six months ago. I sat down in the bathtub, and closed the shower curtain. I looked up at the light that shone upon me as if it were a sign from my mom telling me to do it, to join her. I closed my eyes and put the cup to my mouth. I suddenly saw all of the taunts from the other kids at school. I saw the look on Adrianna’s face when she found out that I was deaf. My eyes shot open.  I shoved the whole cup full of pills down my throat before I could change my mind, and prayed that it would get better in heaven, with my mom.